As I Say My Goodbyes

Monday, January 16, 2012

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I don't want love to destroy me like it did my family.

I'm hanging by a thread|4:51 PM|

Sunday, December 04, 2011

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I had my birthday party yesterday. It was close to perfect.

I had such a great time and so did my guests. It was amazing. The food was fabulous.

I truly appreciate all the effort my family put in to make things perfect. All the little details and small surprises.

My cake was incredible. I'd asked for it but I am still really happy I got it. Synyster Gates's Schecter guitar. And all the guests loved it. Even Hon could eat it and she's lactose intolerant, so she usually can't eat the extravagant birthday cakes.

Sweetest 18th, indeed.

I can't put into words just how satisfying yesterday was.

And to be surprised by someone who isn't the sort to surprise people. That's priceless. I can't expect to have more surprises of course, but a girl can dream, can't she?

Mummy put in a few little surprises too! We had a bread basket intricately arranged by my uncle's girlfriend. It was beautiful and everyone loved the bread. Warm and soft straight from the oven! The bread was from some Swiss bakery. We had a variety of breads. Sadly, it hadn't occurred to me to take a photo and I'm not sure if anyone else took one.

Mummy also went to buy a few balloons. Colourful. One was heart shaped and another was a novelty "Happy Birthday" balloon on which party guests signed to wish me Happy Birthday.

Definitely a birthday party I'll never forget.

I'm hanging by a thread|10:15 PM|

Monday, November 28, 2011

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The one that I let go.

The one I'll never forget.

So in love.

I'm hanging by a thread|10:55 PM|

Monday, November 21, 2011

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I must be incredibly twisted but I have a tendency to or a habit of nitpicking.
Why is this twisted? Because I only do it to those I love like family or people I am very very very very comfortable with.

Of course, this will not work out in my favour if the person is not my family member because this person will get sick and tired of my nitpicking.

I'm already holding back on a lot of things I've wanted to say. Splitting hairs and whatnot. I'm trying not to nitpick so much, as much as I consciously can.

My family has grown used to it and I hope that you will too... It's not that I'm not trying to change but we all must know we can't exactly change what we notice subconsciously or automatically. It's out of our control.

Nitpicking is not necessarily irrelevant or of unimportance. It would be nice if what I pick at were taken into some level of consideration.

Once again, this doesn't work in my favour because it increased my sensitivity to people's body language and subtle possible implications.

In the end I am my own downfall.

I'm hanging by a thread|11:36 PM|

Sunday, November 20, 2011

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I gave fair warning that I'm very difficult to be with.

I made it clear my emotions can be fucked in any and every way.

If you can't stand it then I can't blame you if you wanna walk out.

I guess it's something I got used to. Goodbyes.

I thought things could be different for me but it's crystal clear it's me that's the problem, 100%.

This is the first time the person I'm with has seen this side of me. The most the others ever saw was the insecurity but it ended there. I never really opened up much. They knew nothing.

I'd finally thought someone could understand, or have the patience to try to understand.

The truth is that no one will.

It's so difficult to have me in anyone's life. As long as I don't open up, everything is fine.

If it's easier that everything goes back to first base honeymoon style so my emotional tendencies don't have to be dealt with then OK. But that won't get us anywhere.

I'm in a very fragile state for the time being and nothing is helping at all. I just feel worse every day.

Somewhere inside I'm balancing between going away forever and sticking around for the family that loves me.

Everyone is better off without me anyway.

I'm hanging by a thread|12:10 AM|

Saturday, November 12, 2011

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Everyone gets it right on their first try. Or so it seems.

Does this make me easy? Does it make me stupid? Does it make me just plainly worthless?

I don't even know how to explain it. It took them a while longer or something, but everything just clicks. It comes so easy to them. First try and they hit the jackpot or something.

I just feel like trash thinking about it.

I feel like I'm at a loss of some sort. I don't know. I really just don't.

It's not like I don't appreciate what I have now, I do. All I can say is I just don't know. I just don't.

My last appointment with my psych was a few weeks ago. By now I'd have had another but that was the last cos she got transferred. Nothing is set in stone, so it's true. I didn't think anything would change very much just being without a psych for a while until I get another one but I was wrong. If this is what's happening to me now, I can't imagine what I'd feel like in a month.

The perpetual sadness, the feelings of worthlessness, it's all coming back. The worst part is that I think I've pushed my problems back so far that I, myself, cannot put a finger on any root of any feeling.

The urge is strong and I'm holding back for you but I'm not feeling myself getting any better.

I'm sorry.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:11 AM|

Sunday, October 30, 2011

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When the rain is blowing in your face

And the whole world is on your case

I could offer you a warm embrace

To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear

And there is no one there to dry your tears

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet

But I would never do you wrong

I've known it from the moment that we met

No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue

I'd go crawling down the avenue

No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rolling sea

And on the highway of regret

Though winds of change are blowing wild and free

You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true

Nothing that I wouldn't do

Go to the ends of the Earth for you

To make you feel my love

Adele isn't my usual type of music but I love this song. The first time I heard it was when I was watching Bones and it just hit me.

I'm hanging by a thread|1:50 AM|