As I Say My Goodbyes

Thursday, November 22, 2012

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People say it is rare for one to experience even one miracle in their lifetime - a 'miracle' being the general meaning of something that's (almost) impossible happening.

I experienced a miracle. God kept me alive when I could have even more easily died. Every doctor, till this day, whom I share my "past operations/injuries/medical history" with still agrees that it was a miracle I had survived.

The one miracle I experienced was one I had never asked for.
The one miracle I experienced was one I had never imagined.
The one miracle I experienced was one I still believe I could 'live' without.

'Live' because I would've died otherwise (haha).

I wouldn't have minded dying, honestly. Though, of course, I wouldn't have been experiencing the death consciously since I was in comatose. Sometimes, I think back to that time and I still wish I had died.

The one miracle I experienced was one that wasn't for me.

I was brought back to health with almost no lasting disabilities or 'consequences' and it wasn't for me. I truly do not believe that I had such a strong will to survive back then. I was suicidal for almost 2 years before I actually almost died but not by my own hands and yet, I lived to tell the tale - the tale which was too traumatic for my brain to recall. Selective amnesia, they call it. All I can make of what happened is from what people have told me. The story that I tell is the result of everything I've gathered and pieced together.

I digress. I wasn't saved for me, I was I saved for my family. I was saved for the close friends I had back then, who used to care. I was saved to bring my family closer together in faith.
I was saved to answer others' prayers (and every church + my school was praying for me).

Is it really twisted that I just don't appreciate it enough? I mean, yes, hundreds prayed for me to wake up and get better but I still doubt it would've been that way if the accident hadn't happened at a church-related event or if my family didn't express so much grief. They weren't really praying for me, were they? They were praying for the easing of my family's pain.

Church people only visited because they were there when it happened and perhaps it demonstrated the fragility of life.
Band people only visited because it is only socially accepted to at least pretend to care when a member of this "united" CCA is dying. I only spoke more than 5 sentences to a handful of band people, how could the rest of them really give a damn? I never socialised with them and I was in the section that was generally outcasted, at least in that year. Plus, my academic level was lower than all of theirs. Band was filled with people from the best 4 classes and whatnot. They visited out of obligation. They wanted me to get better because it wasn't easy to just get someone to play my part for the songs in the upcoming performance (I was replaced anyway, cos I was still asleep when the concert date came around) and SYF. For them, I couldn't die because it would be troublesome.

As for schoolmates, I believe it was a 'friends' thing. I don't know how to explain it. Like an alliance. But I still don't believe that they really cared that much. Some of them, yes, but they disappeared not long after I was well enough to function as a normal human being.

One of the only obvious differences I appreciated from the miracle was that I feel more important to my family now. My whole life I had been vying for the attention of my aunt and brother. Now, it is clear to me that the accident did change the relationship we had. It is not a huge change, because I am still left out much of the time but there is a difference.

Well, I guess what I am trying to say is that the one miracle I was so 'lucky' or 'blessed' to have experienced was a miracle that served others, not me. I have 'wasted' my one miracle, and I never even asked for it. It's not that I don't appreciate it because I do. I mean, the only reason I'm not fucking dead by my own hand is because I don't want to hurt my family that way again. They say, 'please take care of yourself. I don't want to lose you again.' I just know that the day I lose my family is the day I will end up dead, inside and out. And I'm thankful for them.

I just wish I might have one more miracle that I could actually ask for.
My one miracle was one for others and not for me.
Am I living out my entire existence just for others, then?
Is that why I feel like I cannot be weak and break down in front of my friends - because I am meant to be there for them and that's all?
Is that why my first relationship with a guy was to merely serve as his rebound?
Is that why I could never open up to a friend without them leaving for some reason or other soon after? Because I am not meant to be confiding in them, I am meant to be confided in?
Is that why I'm going the way I'm going with my future career?
Did I literally live for sake of other people?
And is that why the one person I had finally found whom I could talk to about anything and just feel comfortable with had to be the one who hurt me more than anyone, and can't even be a friend to me anymore? Because I am just living for other people. I am alive to serve. When I have someone to be my emotional rock, it cannot be that way for long because I am not meant to lean but to be leaned on. Is that it?

I am questioning the meaning of my existence. People tell me I was 'brought back to life' as god had a purpose for me. This purpose seems to be to 'help people'. Yes, that sounds really nice but when is someone gonna help me? The way my life (and emotional development) has gone, I am not meant to be the one who enjoys.

Peace of mind? Nope.
Security? Not for you.
Love? Hah are you kidding me?
Total comfort with someone? Whoops wrong person, you can't have this.
Someone to confide in? Lol not anymore! Gonna rip that one up like wrapping paper on Christmas Day.
Emotional stability? Never.
Friends or one friend you can always call on to be with you? Nah, you only exist when people need you for something. People don't make time for you because you're not important until they have something to vent, complain, or confide in you about. Or if they need money, that too.
Everlasting loneliness, depression and all that other indescribable crap? Jackpot!

Okay. I'm done. At least, with thoughts/feelings that I can put into words.

I'm hanging by a thread|3:09 AM|

Sunday, November 11, 2012

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Maybe I'm just upset that you're publishing on Facebook the part of you that was privy to me.
You're suddenly a whole different person and I can't understand why. It's not like I dumped you so you've no reason to just go all out. Or maybe you do.
I really don't appreciate your wonderful life being smashed in my face but what can I do huh. You're x999 better off without me so..

I'm hanging by a thread|2:00 PM|

Thursday, November 08, 2012

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I'm pondering over the idea that I function better in school when I'm really down. I don't mean down as in something-devastating-happened kind of down, but just one of my periods of major melancholy. What I brood about is irrelevant.
I'm thinking about this because I figured that I go into robot-mode. Everything becomes a mundane activity that has to be done and I just go through the motions. By doing this, I tend to be more punctual for things (like school). However, I pay less attention to things like grooming (make up, dressing nicely etc).
I'm at a strange point, right now, where I'm putting a lot of energy into looking as good as my fats and ugliness can look while feeling down more than 3/4 of the hours in a day that I'm awake.
Oh well. I'm trying to psycho myself into believing things will get better in time, to just be patient and God will calm the waters.

I'm hanging by a thread|6:40 PM|