As I Say My Goodbyes

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

______________________________

So that friendship gradually evanesced into thin air huh. Or was it never real to begin with? And now you've moved on and you've no qualms about it. You're happy with your new life and this begs the question, do you miss me? I don't expect you to, of course. Some part of me hopes you do but the other just doesn't expect you to ever want to talk to me again. You've got such good friends out there for you, what's the point of talking to me right? Hearing my vehemently annoying suicidal thoughts. No matter what I try, nothing ever works. I try to talk to you. Sometimes even tell you we don't talk anymore. Unfortunately it changes nothing. Now it's raining, the sky is crying with me. You just don't understand how much I miss the friendship we had. The calls, texts, the instant messages, the nonsense. Everything, all of it is missed. You've moved on though, far away from this apparent dark past you have in you. Would I be wrong if I said our friendship lasted long? Cos it's still around it's just far more distant. It's as if we were never close to begin with. You've even grown sick of consoling me, and I'm sure you wouldn't bother to anymore if you don't need to. Maybe I just never showed it, how precious our friendship was to me. Maybe I just never showed how closely I cherished it. Now it's lost and I don't know how to react. In a fight of course it's easier to hide the pain of loss. Anger lies as a smooth layer to cover up any feeling of sadness that there's even a fight. But now the anger is spent, but you still don't see how this hurts me. You don't see how much I miss spending time with you and talking to you. My efforts aren't recognized.

I don't want to say anymore.

It's just... It can't be put into words. This emptiness of missing what we once had, so close to best friends.

You had a great impact on my life, I'll never forget you.

You'll always be a part of me, it was like you were my everything.

& Thanks Nicole for listening to my nonsense.

I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:25 AM|

Monday, November 17, 2008

______________________________

I'm guilelessly running away, trying to abdicate my ominous situations and dismal quandaries. It's all too difficult and yet sparsely comforting.

Every turn meets failure, every decision meets dire repercussion, every action meets scrutiny, every word meets indignation. Everything I do is fallacious. Results in pure demur.

Painstakingly careful with what I do and what I say, yet it all pulverizes into a heap of sheer defeat by the evils life bestows upon us little inadequate beings. Living to find our 'purpose in life', but never espying in the end. We cease our search, only awaiting our contingent and poignant deaths. Ever rueing our erroneous decisions, cowering to those who demand power and control.

Wait while they divide and squander.

I'm hanging by a thread|10:52 PM|

Monday, November 10, 2008

______________________________

I. Want. To. Play. Like. The. Rev.

I. Want. The. Rev's. Drum. Kit. Set. Up.

I. Want. The. Rev's. Bloody. Drum. Sticks. I. Don't. Care. Where. They've. Been.

I. Want. The. A7x. All. Excess. DVD.

So many wants I'm so full of crap. I know I have to work to play like him but how am I going to get double pedal/double bass and more cymbals, let alone fit them into my room in which my simple drum set is already crammed. When I walk in the door there is a high possibility I walk into the hi-hat. Blah.

"Grapes in the mouth make you happy down south."

So cute.

Whatever whatever.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:04 AM|

Monday, November 03, 2008

______________________________

"There's too much bad shit in this world."

"Without suffering, there'd be no compassion."

"Well tell that to those who suffer."

From my favourite movie of all time.

I'm hanging by a thread|8:00 PM|