As I Say My Goodbyes

Monday, December 31, 2012

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Peer pressure.

I'm hanging by a thread|11:11 AM|

Thursday, December 27, 2012

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I need to resist the urge.
I've resisted for so long, I can do it some more. I've survived, I can continue.
Or so I like to tell myself.
That's good, right? That's an improvement?

I'm hanging by a thread|10:55 PM|

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I'm so tired of this. If you don't want to be happy, admit it and stop spreading your complaining around. You so obviously choose to see things a certain way such that you're 'allowed' to pity yourself.
You're just giving yourself excuses to be unhappy. If that's the case then that's your choice, but don't make other people feel like they have to wreck their brains to find something to tell you that'll help you feel better when you never will - because you don't want to.

I'm hanging by a thread|10:22 PM|

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YOU'RE WELCOME.

I'm hanging by a thread|6:06 PM|

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

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'Tis yet another year that I've shed tears on Christmas Day.

I'm hanging by a thread|12:21 PM|

Monday, December 24, 2012

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OMG you are the exact meaning of the fucking bandwagon effect. How could you seriously believe the world was gonna end and live life as such? Seriously? Please grow a mind for yourself. Stop following everyone else, they're getting more and more stupid. I know you're smarter than that shit.

I'm hanging by a thread|1:26 AM|

Friday, December 21, 2012

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I got a nice booth seat at the food court. I put down all my shopping - it's crazy heavy and bulky. I sat here for a while and noticed a woman looking for seats/tables and she had a huge item with her, probably kitchen appliance of some sort? She then walked to the edge of the food court, coincidentally more or less beside me. I turned around and asked if she was looking for a seat. She said she was and I told her she could sit at my table (since I had 4 seats here, though the booth seat side was taken up by my shopping bags and myself).
I feel good about what I did.
I also feel good about how I've been able to ask people things. Where to go, where things are, and other things like, "if..." You know, those shopping questions regarding promotions and whatever other standard questions.
I feel good. (:

I'm hanging by a thread|7:58 PM|

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

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Right by a broken heart, I found independence.

At least, much more than I used to have. I am very comfortable hanging out by myself, eating by myself, and I find myself able to ask/do more things on my own despite my - I would like to think, decreasing - levels of anxiety.

If I can ever finally manage to truly love and respect myself, I won't need someone to love me to feel complete and satisfied and, well, loved.

I'm hanging by a thread|11:38 PM|

Thursday, December 13, 2012

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Someday, you'll know that I was the one for you.

I'm hanging by a thread|1:22 AM|

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

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THAT'S ALL?! THAT'S IT?! THAT'S FUCKING WHAT IS FUCKING MAKING YOU FUCKING.... ARGH. WHAT THE FUCK. I don't fucking need this okay I really don't fucking need this.

I'm hanging by a thread|9:47 PM|

Monday, December 10, 2012

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Nothing nothing nothing nothing in my life is working out. Is god testing me? To see if I would lose faith or something? Is the devil testing me? Trying to push me to kill myself?

I'm hanging by a thread|2:45 PM|

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I don't know why you just REFUSE to spell my name with a double 'n' after breaking up. That kind of habit/info/whatever doesn't just disappear.
It would be hard to believe if you tell me that for almost a year, you had to actively remember to spell it with double 'n'. Oh wait maybe not cos you almost never called me by name in text anyway. But when we were on a break you could still spell it with a double 'n'.
I am disturbed by this incredible inconsistency.
Never mind. Forget it. I need to let it pass. I've accepted that I can't make you love me if you don't. It's just disappointing that you're so arrogant, you only wait for people to call you out unless its incredibly convenient for you or you can't do it alone.
What happened to making time just to talk? Even as a friend that annoys me, yeah?
People forget what's not important (Freud said so). I don't mean jack shit to you.
And one day, I'll be totally okay with that. For now, I wish I were an actual human being with feelings to you at least.

I'm hanging by a thread|11:13 AM|

Saturday, December 08, 2012

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You know what. Forget it. My closest 'friends' would rather do anything than sacrifice or compromise a little bit for my birthday. Only if it's fucking free, they'll go for what I wanted them to go for for me. She can lie to her mum when it's free & her poly friends, but she can't lie to her mum for me? Okay. I thought I had quality friends. Turns out I'm just there when they need me, they wouldn't do the same for me - on any fucking level.

I'm hanging by a thread|7:47 PM|

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Utter disappointment.

I'm hanging by a thread|7:47 PM|

Friday, December 07, 2012

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Why do people like to lie to me so much? And if you're going to lie about this one-off thing, don't reveal the truth later. I would rather have continued thinking it was the first reason. Did you think I wouldn't understand your real reason? Who has been the one listening to all your back-and-forths about this exact topic? Me.
And when I think about it, another point goes to the My Friends Are Self-Centred team.

I'm hanging by a thread|3:57 PM|

Thursday, December 06, 2012

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I don't know why I ever thought our friendship would mean anything. I'm always too uncool for people like you, anyway. I'm your hell of a good friend only when you need me and/or when it's convenient. When 'cool' things come up, I'm pushed to the backseat and the friends you always told me you cannot trust become your first social circle. Why does this keep happening? In Primary school, too. I'd be really good friends with a 'cool' person but I'll always be kept at the periphery of the 'cool' circle & events. It's not that I want to be 'cool' in that way so much, it's just that I'd like to be included like a real friend would do.
I'm not a fan of having my knowledge and successes put down or undermined but that's just the way you keep your sense of superiority so never mind.
I guess our friendship will last as long as our time in the same class/school. Cos besides that, I don't mean much to you. (:

I guess I'm still on the search for friends who respect me, won't put me down, support me, think I'm 'cool' [i.e. include me] and accept my 'knowledge' [like my fun facts, for one example]. I do have friends like that, except that they're not there for me most of the time. I'm going in a circle cos I've said it before, it's probably because I can't open up anyway so it's self-inflicted. I can't expect them to know what I'm feeling the same way I do for them.
I guess the 'one, best friend' I'm looking for only exists in the male realm. Hah! My brother has a friend who's always there for him. Those cliche sayings on the net that go, 'a good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend will be sitting next to you'? Yeah, that's his best friend. Until now, he's always been there for my brother. Supporting him, slapping him and respecting him at all the right times.
The closest person I've had to a best friend doesn't want to talk to me anymore because it's awkward but he has his own best friend(s), too, anyway. I won't comment on their friendship (one of 'em) cos I don't exactly have the nicest things to say but he's a got a damn good friend there. He's got 3 of them. 19 years of my life and I don't have one. The one person I finally thought could be that best friend turned around and went right through my heart with a fucking spiked and poisoned javelin, and hurt me on all levels.
I'm not angry. I'm not resentful. I have forgiven (doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt). I just wish it hadn't gotten screwed up. At least I would have someone I can truly feel is my best friend.
Well, I fucked that up for myself. (: Here's to ruining any kind of relationship I have with anybody for the rest of my life!

I'm hanging by a thread|2:29 PM|

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

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Is it me or is it just weird that more than 2 people have told me 'if I weren't straight, I'd date you' or 'if I weren't attached, I'd date you'?
I mean, I don't think I can feel very flattered because it is all hypothetical. Just like how people can say 'if you hurt her, I'll break your face' but we all know that almost never happens.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:25 PM|