As I Say My Goodbyes

Monday, April 30, 2012

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I want you on a day when you're well rested and have nothing else on. Then you'll finally not be tired while we're spending time together. When we first started for a good while you weren't tired and when we were friends you weren't tired. I can't seem to understand what changed. That's what leads me to think I'm so boring.

I'm hanging by a thread|1:47 AM|

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Ever thought that maybe sometimes (not all the time) I am snappy because I dislike your tone or the words you use and feel hurt/disrespected/stupid?

I'm hanging by a thread|12:02 AM|

Sunday, April 29, 2012

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I've always been taught to never express my anger. Well, not directly that way but every time I showed some level of anger I'd get shot in face with a canon. So, over the years I learned to suppress and suppress and suppress. I found other ways to express my anger and they weren't the healthiest options.
I thought I had finally found someone who is patient with me and will try to understand when I snap and attend to my feelings which people have so incredibly rarely done. I thought I'd met someone who could take care of me, emotionally.
But as life would have it, same shit different day. He could, for a while, but like everyone else I think he is getting sick of me. Of my emotions.
No one can ever understand me but no one really tries, anyway. I'm just some "extremely annoying" fucked up girl too far gone to fix. So why BOTHER, right?
I feel like he doesn't even try anymore. I feel like I'm pushing conversations and altering my outward mood to suit his because mine are just too much for him. I want to have the love and affection and security I used to feel so much of and I would like it without any suggestive touching at all.
Now, almost every other day I'm afraid he's going to walk away. I'm too much for anyone. Everyone wants that girl with self confidence and assertiveness. I'm far from that, though I wouldn't consider myself particularly needy.
It's probably just me. It's just me getting hurt by his choice of words and tone implications. Why should anyone try to be better when I'm actually the problem? Maybe it's just me finding "you're expensive" to be very hurtful when it could've been "you have expensive taste". There are nicer ways to say some things but I feel like he doesn't consider my feelings anymore. Well, not much anyways. Then again, it must be just me. It's always my problem that's the cause of everything. I'm being too damn sensitive. I'm not always in the best mood. I get really insecure.
That's me but I'm working on it. It's a long process but I'm working on it. Who the fuck wants me while I'm working on it? Who wants to live in a house under construction when they can just have it when it's all done up? Anyone who chooses to live in the house under construction is gonna leave eventually because the rain through the unbuilt roof and holes on the floor and dust & debris everywhere will always get to a person. It's the same with me. My problems chase people away. The holes in my floor, my unbuilt roof, my emotional debris.
I need to come to terms with the apparent fact that everyone will leave some day until I am fully built as the analogical house.
Should I even begin on PMS? I'm not blaming everything on it but I do realise at a certain time I get more angst and emotionally dysfunctional. He seems to be the only guy in the world who won't think 'maybe it's just PMS' and be patient until it's over. I don't think a lot of guys are very patient until the PMS stops but they do think moodiness = PMS. Somewhat ignorant but somewhat true at times and somewhat helpful to both parties, I'd say.

Are you still afraid to lose me?
Are you still willing to stick with me through my recovery (or forever if I don't have the luxury of getting better)?
Are you still willing to be patient with me?
Honestly, right now it doesn't seem so. Your non-physical affection is fading. I don't want a physical relationship. Give me your heart. You say you have but I don't feel it beating for me anymore.

I'm hanging by a thread|1:41 PM|

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

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So it's often less about the inability to spend as much as it is a deeper psychological issue?
Yes and no. Attitudes about money come from childhood. When money is tight and we can't do what we want, this impedes our sense of control. People tend not to talk about it because it's a hard subject to navigate. And when money is tight, people blame each other: "You don't make enough, you spend too much, you can't save money…" So in that sense, couples will fight about spending. But really, this loss of control comes from down deep; it's more than "I can't buy this or that" – it's about identifying what money means to you on an emotional level.

Scenario 1: You're a guy and you want spend money on an item and your wife says "no, you can't buy that". You are doing more than arguing over whether or not you can spend the money; you might end up resenting her for reigning in your control.

Scenario 2: You're a woman and you want to feel nurtured. Maybe when you were a child your parents bought you things, so in turn "things" could be a representation of love. If he cuts back on spending on you or is made to feel guilty about how little he can spend, it can cause problems. But it's not really about your getting things, it translates to a lack of nurturing.

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/imag/Love/3+Mistakes+Couples+Make+In+a+Bad+Economy#ixzz1quIPNBRw

I'm hanging by a thread|1:57 AM|