As I Say My Goodbyes

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

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I was so happy about it then so many people made me feel like I didn't deserve it at all. Like I wasted money. Like I don't do shit on a computer and I'm a tech noob. Well I'm not. I know the specs and I will make good use of the awesomeness that is Alienware.
Y'all are all just jealous. The friends who don't understand computer specifications and that stuff don't have that same reaction.
Resentment all over the place.

Just cos I don't broadcast every single game I play or everything I do on the computer, people assume that I don't do anything demanding or that the only game I play is Sims.
These people don't know me that well. We don't talk very often and now it's as if they know all about what I do on a laptop and whether I'll make full use of Alienware's capability? Oh please.

Funnily enough, the Alienware isn't that different from my Lenovo. The only big difference is the resolution and the screen size. Though my Lenovo was pretty HD, too. Only the speakers might be considered a big diff, but my Lenovo wins here. My Lenovo had JBL speakers, Alienware's just... Alienware speakers

There's a difference in the graphics card, but my Lenovo was the highest-end gaming laptop at the time so actually that's not a huge difference. The Alienware I got has 2GB GDDR5 NVIDIA GTX 660 and the Lenovo was DirectX 9 or 10.
Hard disk space? Not a big diff.
Ram? Not a big diff.
CPU? Same processor (maybe a slight diff)

So if people don't think I deserve the Alienware, I might as well have been undeserving of my Lenovo too, huh???
Gosh. What branding does.
But hey. Alienware is a winner in specs and novelty! All the lights and the cool themes.

I'm loving my Alienware. Maybe for a while ill feel like people think I'm undeserving but in the end, I have it and you don't. So why should I care? I am very happy with it and I will put it to good use.

Best of all: I bought it myself.
So fuck off. It wasn't some want that my lovely mother satisfied. Suck it.

I'm hanging by a thread|10:35 AM|

Monday, January 28, 2013

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Everyone suddenly getting into super bright red lipstick.

Bitches, I did that from 2008-2011 and a little bit of 2012.

/aheadofthecurve

I'm hanging by a thread|10:24 PM|

______________________________

I think something might be wrong. Can we just come clean completely? I promise I won't leave.
Don't let this go. It's not worth it to walk away. Keep us strong.

I'm hanging by a thread|5:02 AM|

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

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One promised me a late-night weekend and another promised me a Thursday.
I think they've forgotten. Do my friends remember the promises they make to me? I guess not.
(:

I'm hanging by a thread|4:44 PM|

Saturday, January 12, 2013

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Forget it. I'm done. I don't need this. Though it would be nice if he could have the decency to respond. I'm being nice, willing to send the episodes. The least he could do is respond and remove 'em from Dropbox or reply and say he doesn't need them anymore.
That would be the least one could do, right? Even as an acquaintance, one should reply, right?
No one has ever made me feel so worthless but forget it.
I'm finished. I don't need this. I don't need him.

Labels: orthiscouldbethehighintheyoyocycleihavegoingonherebutwhateverfuckyoufuckthisjustrespondatleastdontbeafuckingprick

I'm hanging by a thread|4:50 PM|

______________________________

I remembered that time when I saw those posts on Facebook.
I mean, you got so mad about my tweets but at least my Twitter is private. I know exactly who has access to my tweets and I actually know who bothers to read them.
Fine, I guess I deserved to know what it feels like for the person you care a lot about (I'm not even going to bother saying love) to post something negative about you/your relationship for others to see but at least mine was relatively private and relatively discreet ('it's like you don't even care' could easily refer to a friend or a family member, no?)
You posted one on FACEBOOK that was clearly about a relationship. Everyone on Facebook who saw that post would know the state of our relationship. And you have a lot of friends. They will read that shit. And Facebook is where you scroll and see all these pictures and pictures with words. That's what people do. So yours was one of those on people's newsfeeds who set it to 'most recent'.
These people aren't even all close to you. You don't know who read it.
The worst part is that Foundation people would've seen it. People we both know. At least on Twitter, I can count on one hand how many people actually bother to read my tweets and less still how many really feel anything when reading those tweets. 90% it's like 'oh ok scroll' or 'I relate to that. Scroll.'
You got upset because my closest friends could read it? Well damn, that must be much worse than closest friends + close friends + friends + FAMILY + classmates/schoolmates/colleagues/MUTUAL friends + old friends you never speak to anymore + acquaintances. YA?
And my tweets didn't sum up the state of our relationship. They were things that we could've gotten over and been fine after which. Your post pretty much summed things up, showing every person you have on Facebook that you were unhappy in your relationship (did I mention the Foundation people who know both of us????).
So thanks.
Maybe I deserved it.
But thanks. Really, that really hurt and humiliated me.

And just so you know, I do have friends who still love what we had. One of them said she was hoping we'd get married cos we were just the cutest together and she loved us together.
Shame that her OTP didn't work out.

Labels: rant

I'm hanging by a thread|12:33 AM|

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

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Twister fries are back in McDonald's for the lunar new year.
I remember how you were sweet and brought me twister fries at midnight. I snuck out of my house just to meet you. We were only friends.
I also remember all the mosquito bites I got since I wore shorts, and I had thought, 'it was worth it'.
That was a good night. I appreciated what you did so much.

Good times. (:

I'm hanging by a thread|5:19 AM|

Monday, January 07, 2013

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I just need to know that all is forgiven. That we are okay and that you don't harbour any feelings of resentment or disgust... or excessive guilt.
I just need to know that if I ever needed to speak to you, I wouldn't feel like the most annoying person in the world throughout the entire conversation (which was how it had been).

I just hope you can find someone who loves you the way I do or better. Someone who can keep you happy.
Believe it or not, there are internal issues you need to work out within yourself but I guess I'll leave that to you. I can't make you face/admit your problems.

Know that I will always be here. Not waiting for you to 'come back', but I'll be here if you ever need me (which I doubt anyway). If you ever need a hand to hold, a shoulder on which to cry, a listening ear or even simply a meal to share.
Whether I have someone new or not, I'll always be here for you. Don't be afraid.

Though I'm affirmative that you'll never need me. You are stubbornly overly emotionally independent, let alone calling up an old whoever when in need.

I'm hanging by a thread|5:19 AM|

Sunday, January 06, 2013

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If I could have one talent, I would choose writing.
Firstly, schoolwork would be much easier.
And I would be able to express my thoughts and feelings in writing, articulating my psychological going ons and the emotions that so many cannot understand, describe or imagine.
I would be able to make clear to whoever what it's like to feel this way. And that's something people really need - a better understanding of something they could never imagine.

I'm hanging by a thread|7:01 AM|

Saturday, January 05, 2013

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Even just telling the story of the beginning never ceases to make me smile.
Something many people never experience in their lifetime. It didn't have to end, and I don't believe it has, but that was a great one and I'm thankful for the memories. I will always hold them dear.

I'm hanging by a thread|10:26 PM|

Friday, January 04, 2013

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I was clearing out my room and I found a contract my therapist and I drew up once.

Following the standard first line (I, [name], will not [do such and such] from today until [whenever]),
It went:
If I feel anxious, upset, sad or angry, I will instead do the following 3 things;
1. Write in a journal
2. Play a computer/iPhone game
3. Cry until I feel better >> if I don't feel better, I'll call ____.

Haha. 16 march 2012. I never did do those things, I think. At least not within the written time frame.
I just find it a little amusing how I can look at it now and see your name as the person I would call should I not have been feeling good, and just think about how things have changed. How if I were to call you now, you'd write me off and tell me you don't have the 'time', because you simply do not care.

I just want the skies to clear. Why is that too much to ask?

I'm hanging by a thread|2:22 PM|

______________________________

Isn't it funny how the reasons someone loved you or the things someone loved about you can be the very same reasons that someone couldn't love you or couldn't stand about you? The very same things one used to find really cute could be the same things the person found really annoying towards the end. Aren't humans strange? Applaud for the irony.

I'm hanging by a thread|12:36 AM|

Thursday, January 03, 2013

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I feel like the end is near.
The end is near for him.
And I don't know how my family is going to take it, especially my mum.
Just a while ago, during Christmas, he had good news about life and his house.
Over the past 3 years, he's lost 15-20kg. He's only 60kg now. That's really light for a man his height and used-to-be build.
He's been admitted again. It's the same song and dance, but with every warding comes a step closer to the big fall... Isn't that so?
I guess it's just a blessing that my cousins are mentally healthy, being able to cope with such things. The ladies here aren't doing so well, especially mum and Hon. They're not stable. I guess it is hereditary to a certain extent, huh?
Observable behaviour, risk factors and whatnot.
I can only hope and pray for the best but if he has to go, at least he finds peace.

I'm hanging by a thread|6:49 PM|

Wednesday, January 02, 2013

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You're such a dick.
Not replying is one thing, but you saw it. You read it. And you didn't do a fucking shit about it. If you don't want the shows anymore, it doesn't cut your balls to say so. It also wouldn't make you foam at the mouth to delete the shows from Dropbox anyway. Be considerate and make space, no? Just cos you don't use it doesn't mean I don't.
I'm being nice. I'm still sending you the shows cos you said sure, you'd like them.
It's not difficult to read the message, go to Dropbox and move the shows out. Or does that cut you somehow?

You're just a motherfucking dick la, okay? Don't say that you'll find a day for me then tell me you were sick then forget it all together.

I should've known from the days you started forgetting everything I asked you to do. Freud said you remember what's important to you/things you want/like. I should've known that that was when I wasn't important anymore. I should've known when you didn't even make the slightest effort to try to remember.

I should've known no one can love me for more than a few months.
I should've known it was over when I started caring so much more about us than you did. Cos that was always how anything ended with people I loved - friends or more.

Thanks for remembering my birthday and wishing me, though. I appreciated that. I had a splendid birthday weekend.

Restart. Come home. If you have to go, go with some grace.
You don't need to be an asshole about everything.
Do you remember our first conversation?

I'm hanging by a thread|7:58 PM|

Tuesday, January 01, 2013

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He let me down.
I believed and I thanked and I asked and I apologised.
I communicated every day.
I don't feel myself on His shoulders.
I feel cold, scattered and alone on this winding, rocky road as more poison courses through my veins.
I'm dying a little more every day, and I no longer feel His life breathing into me.

I'm hanging by a thread|4:52 AM|