As I Say My Goodbyes

Monday, April 29, 2013

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You obviously take this friendship for granted.

I'm hanging by a thread|1:27 AM|

Friday, April 26, 2013

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I had an eggs phase.
I had a Japanese/udon/chawanmushi phase.
I had a seaweed chicken phase.
I had a grilled chicken phase.
I had a pork ribs phase.
I had an EasyMac phase.
I had a scallops phase.
I had a beef jerky phase.
I think I'm in a steak phase now.

And I don't mean normal steak like the stupid beef chops mediocre western places give you.
I mean the thick, 8-onwards oz prime cuts served without sides (mostly. cos that's the kinda place they come from).
The kinds you pay >70 bucks for... On average.
This is an expensive phase, okay.

Eggs, Japanese and chicken are not expensive.
Pork ribs are about 20 bucks with lost of sides.
EasyMac was a prize cos they came from AU through family who went there to visit my uncle. Hella fattening but hella good.

Scallops were hard to find but I had a wonderful person to bring me places and who actually cooked beautiful scallops (with bacon [!] ) for me.
Beef jerky was a middle-of-the-night thing. Mum would buy em every time she went to cold storage.

Meh. This is one of my more expensive phases. Hahaaha. I even had two in one day. Well, that was cos I had one for lunch on the off chance that it was a legit steak.

It wasn't. So I had delectable steak at Bedrock with mum for dinner. 8oz USA prime tenderloin and 14oz AUS grass-fed rib eye.
It was so fucking good. The bread was also amazing. Warm, fluffy and flavourful. It wasn't even normal bread that you get at restaurants. It was kind of like pita bread.

I might eat another good steak soon. Hmm. Expensive phase. I'll tahan like I did for scallops. HAHAHAHA.

I'm hanging by a thread|9:19 PM|

Thursday, April 25, 2013

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This is like 2007 all over again.
Except worse. There's no explanation.

I thought I was getting better but I'm back at it again.
It's pathetic now though. Shallow. Short. Humph. It used to be much deeper. Much longer.
If this isn't a one-off, I'll be back at it full swing.
I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing but damn it feels good.

Need to replenish the stash. I'm left with one and its r***ed as hell.

I'm hanging by a thread|4:57 AM|

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

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You'll never figure me out, no matter how hard you try.

I'm hanging by a thread|11:55 PM|

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Making plans and holding my hand sends shivers down my spine.

I'm hanging by a thread|11:27 PM|

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No fucking respect

I'm hanging by a thread|7:13 PM|

Friday, April 19, 2013

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You're welcome. I'm feeling more and more like you take me for granted. I don't owe you a ride to anywhere. The least you could do is say thanks. Don't just get out and close the door without looking back. I'm not your chauffeur.

I'm hanging by a thread|5:36 PM|

Thursday, April 18, 2013

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I wanna learn how to make pasta.
I would make such fucking fun shapes HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHHHAAHAHAH.
:>

I'm hanging by a thread|5:12 PM|

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I'm too young to feel this lonely.
Mentally, emotionally.
And physically - over and over again.
I'm such a fearful human being. It's some twisted psychological cycle, really.
I am so fearful because people have done these things to me before.
But because I'm so fearful, people keep doing it.
Hah! Like a hamster on a wheel.
I need to get off this ride.

It goes for trust, too.
I can't trust people cos people keep breaking my trust.
And somehow, people can continue to break the little trust I do invest in them.
No man is an island. I can't go without trusting anybody. I'm lonely enough (ahhaha).

I'm not even talking about the kind of trust regarding secrets or private information (I haven't had huge problems with this, though it has come around before).
I have problems trusting people emotionally.
Trusting people not to leave me. Trusting people to be there for me. Trusting people to still value me no matter how pathetic I appear.
Uh yeah, none of that has worked out just yet.
I don't know how anyone can expect me to readily trust people.

Needless to say, the people I ever fully trusted broke me in the worst ways.
It's probably the cycle, again, though.
I get fearful because I realise I trust them 'too much' and thus hold back and distrust them in the most ridiculous, overt ways.
And BAM!
Goodbye.

I don't know what all this is for.
I believe in feeling your emotions, so I can never become numb to this pain.
I would like some answers.
The surface kind and the philosophical kind.
I'll never get them and this, I know.

I'm laughing it off. I don't know how it's helping but I seem to have adopted this new 'coping' mechanism. But deep down, I know I'm fucked.
I wonder what the future holds cos right now, it looks bleak as hell.

Hahhahahahahaha.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:22 AM|

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

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Nobody knows how badly this affects me.
Nobody knows but me.

I'm hanging by a thread|3:47 AM|

Thursday, April 11, 2013

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I just laugh at myself when I think of these things.
Just laugh.
Cos I'm so pathetic.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Stupid, stupid girl.

I'm hanging by a thread|10:40 PM|

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I don't know what to feel. I am feeling what I'm feeling and I don't like what I'm feeling. I don't believe what I'm feeling. I reject what I'm feeling. Cos this can't be. I can't be like this.
What about you? How do you feel? Do you like how you're feeling?
Share with me. I want to know that we are alright. And if we're not, I'd like to know too.

I'm hanging by a thread|8:41 PM|

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

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Studying what I'm studying on development across the lifespan and I'm on childhood. Where parents roles are important.
I am noticing that y'all did a shit job lol. No offence.
There is shame and doubt.
There is guilt.
Stuck in the oral stage and possibly anal too, if that's possible.
Role confusion being such a threat (from poor resolution of conflicts in those earlier stages e.g. Guilt and shame and doubt)

I'm hanging by a thread|9:56 PM|

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Trending shit that annoys me every time I see it:
Stahp/staph (stop)
Nao (now)
Sigh pie

But really the staph shit is super fucking annoying. Really.

I'm hanging by a thread|8:19 PM|

Monday, April 08, 2013

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I feel like I should start going for therapy again.

This is bad.

It'll also add to the list of people who have advised me to get antidepressants and/or anxiety meds. Haaaaaaaaaaaah.

I'm hanging by a thread|3:34 AM|

Thursday, April 04, 2013

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Proud of myself. (:

I'm getting better. It's not such a torture to send emails to people anymore. I mean business emails like support, admin, lecturers/tutors and others.

This is good. (:

I have better learned to keep my emotions to myself. This way, I don't burden the people closest to me and I have time to sort it out on my own before reacting or freaking about anything.
Once I've slept on them for a few nights, if they were induced by an actual event, I can deal with them better. And if need be, I can calmly and sensibly talk it out... which doesn't happen cos no one is really at that level with me. Haaaaaaaaaaaa.

It's okay. I'm getting better. I talked slower than I usually do during my presentation today. That's gotta be a good thing. We got a distinction. ;D Cos it was fun, comprehensive and complete (and some others).

I also got to use my new Plants VS Zombies sunflower thumb drive. *eeps* The Leaves ran away, though. I found em amongst the wires behind the class CPU after class when I was searching for it with a torch.
My life is not boring. HAHA.

I'm gonna learn how to use Photoshop and Illustrator, too. And HTML & CSS coding.
I'm looking forward to that.
Yeah. I'm trying to do something with my life. Make it more worthwhile to live and maybe spice up my resume since I've no working experience.
Speaking of which, I'm trying to do volunteer work too. Self-growth and it sort of makes up for my lack of experience. :>

Mum's birthday is tomorrow and I get to pick her from her massage of some sort after I'm let off from class.
In a selfish way, I'm glad mum works where she does. Cos then I get to use the car everyday as opposed to incurring about a hundred bucks in cab fares per week. $100/week VS $60/week or so (on petrol). Okay, so maybe I wouldn't take a taxi home all the time but still... I get to pick mum from work sometimes. (: And send her to work on my 9AM days. :> I love it. I love waking up early and sending her to work, and picking her from work.

Another area in which I get fulfillment: I see my friend weekly to help him with time signatures.
He has a music exam coming up which tests him on detecting time signatures and repeating clapped rhythms.
I haven't overcome enough of my anxiety to clap rhythms for him in public but I'm helping him with the time signatures. I create these rhythms and things in different time signatures and he's supposed to listen to them and tell me what TS they're in. I'm flattered that he comes to me to help him with rhythm-related things and that he thinks I'm a good drummer with rhythm in my heart. Good to know I'm useful in some small way.

I'm also addicted to Solitaire Blitz. Everyone who likes solitaire should try it. It's like a mix of Solitaire and Speed. It's a pretty interactive game.

In other news, school is really stressful now. I've come to realise that I need to work really hard to do well because procrastinating and last-minute work/studying is not going to get me distinctions, let alone an Honour's degree. Well, it's obvious but it really just hit me recently. I know that I am working towards something I really want. I have direction, I have a long-term goal, I have ambition, I have a calling. I'm not gonna fuck it up just by being lazy. It's not worth it.

I guess I'll think about that the next time I think about killing myself. hahahaaaaaa.

I've been playing my drums more often. I'm improving my double-pedal technique and I've learned a few more songs. No doubt I do feel lousy cos I'm nowhere near as good as I would like to be but I also feel happy because this is what I love to do and it's not for anyone but me! I guess it's iffy therapy. The beats are food for my soul and it's even better that I can listen to my music in the car. Some good music everyday is good stuff. I miss just stoning with my earphones in during a long bus ride, though.

I don't know why I just typed all of this. Well, why only log the negative things? This is good. Happy posts are good.
Y'know what they say; never keep a journal of bad thoughts and only write down your happiest moments.

Don't revisit the darkness, only bring with you the lessons you learned from it.

I'm hanging by a thread|1:42 AM|

Tuesday, April 02, 2013

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Please? Thank you? I feel like I'm a pawn while you slack away or tell me what to do.
Hmm.

I'm hanging by a thread|11:15 PM|