As I Say My Goodbyes

Thursday, August 30, 2012

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Fabulous. I am the person that everyone steps on when everyone else steps on them. How fantastic it is to be the one that the hurt hurt.

Last relationship, ex broke his heart and now he breaks mine. Doesn't miss me, doesn't care about how I'm doing, totally fine suddenly not having me in his life (female companionship is another thing). Gets irritated every time I ask him to do something, and even more irritated when I remind because he forgets every frikking thing I ask him to do and then I become the one who's bugging.

Last last relationship, first person he ever broke up with. OH WAIT surprise! Up till today, I am STILL the ONLY person he has EVER broken up with! (and there were many before and many after me)

It really is the best feeling to be the one that people who are fucked over fuck over. Really. I'm like everyone's punching bag.

Did you get hurt? Come, let me make you a priority so that you can feel the goodness of hurting someone else to rid you of your pain. Come, let me be on the receiving end of all the pain you're feeling. It's like I'm karma's freaking spare outlet or some fuckshit.

I'm hanging by a thread|10:01 PM|

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Why did blogger change the template on its own. Wtf is this. Where did my template go?

I'm hanging by a thread|2:19 PM|

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It's not fair that something bad happened to you and then you do similarly to someone else. I never meant you any harm. Just cos she ever did that shit to you doesn't mean you can go doing the same to me.

Idk why you even said you'll miss me when you know you won't. You'll only miss my company as a significant other human being.
Admit you're glad I'm out of your hair. Admit you're glad we're over.
Admit you can't wait for everything to be really over so you can truly get away from me.

Admit you never really loved me proper. If you did you wouldn't have stopped feeling that way so fast. And you didn't even try to save it. Being nice to me doesn't change a thing, it's trying to work out the shit that made you doubt that fixes shit. I don't know why you couldn't see that.
Admit you knew you're better off without me, that's why you didn't even try.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:15 PM|

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

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There's one thing you must understand: you can't trust a cold blooded man. He'll love you and leave you alive.

I'm hanging by a thread|6:43 PM|

Monday, August 27, 2012

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I'm not worth anything. I'm so fucking worthless.
I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough.
I want to mean something to someone but in the back of my mind I know there's no reason why I should.
I'm such a fuck up. No one can handle me.
People say, oh you have friends and family.
I do.
But they don't know anything.
They have no idea. They only know the bits and pieces. The edges I cut out for them to see.
People say I would have those relationships with friends and love if I just trusted people more.
Well, don't you ever think about why I even stopped trusting people in the first place?
Probably not.
People have shown me that I cannot trust anyone.
I keep trying.
I tried yet again. I opened up. I allowed someone to see my heart, and he ran away.
He couldn't take it.
I'm not good enough for him. I'm too fucked up for him.
I'm too fucked up for anyone.
The only reason I still have the friends I have is because I don't tell them shit.
They would love to know, because they care, but once they know there's no going back.
There's no going back, and they won't be coming back either.
I'm too much for anyone. I don't know why I ever truly believed he loved me.
I don't know why I ever truly believed I could make a home with him, build a future with him.
I forgot that I was too fucked up for anyone to stay for long.
Anyone who has known my thoughts has never stayed with me for more than a year, and not even just romantically.
I don't know why I still believed he would be there for me through and true.

I've been alone all my life.

My mother wasn't there for me as a child. My father was only there in material gifts. My brother had his own life. I was always left out in family gatherings.

I never really had anyone.

But because I am older and going into the adult world, I am expected to think and behave like every other average person. I'm not allowed to have the effects of my childhood development affect me or my life.

Well, they do. Go read up a little on psychology and you'll see.

I'm working on it, but clearly, not fast enough.

I'm drowning. I'm dying to be free but all that's really happening is that I'm simply dying.

I want to believe that someone can love me. I want to believe that someone will want a future with me, and never leave me. I want to know that I can be very angry at someone, let them know and they won't walk out in a second.

I want to believe I can have a strong friendship like so many people around me.

I want to believe I can find love that lasts.

At the same time, I don't believe I will.

I really don't know why I let him in, why I trusted him so much. I should've known it was just a matter of time before I became too fucking fucked up. Just as I have been to everyone else.

I want to leave. I need to escape. I don't want to exist anymore. And fuck, I want you all to fucking mourn.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:25 AM|

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Why are you acting like this is so unimportant?? Did you even bother to think about what photos I may already have? Or is this just a purely functional thing cos you couldn't give a fuck??
Do I really mean that little to you? Would you be this callous with a friend? You call me a friend, you say I'm a friend but I'm not feeling it. I know you have your own takeaways from the relationship but this is like something fucking basic. I feel like I don't mean a damn shit and you're just doing whatever I say out of courtesy or something. I mean, did you even fucking think that you were sending me back all my own photos?? Why wouldn't I have my own photos right? I don't know what's going through your head. I just feel like I mean less to you than any of your friends. I don't know how you can still say we are friends when you're treating this last thing like it doesn't mean a goddamn shit to you.
Initially totally forgot about it, too. I understand that you don't think about me as often as I do about you, obviously, but fuck. I was at least a big part of your life for some time and suddenly gone, one would think I'd cross your mind once in a while. One would think you'd remember to tie up the loose ends?
I'm not worth scum to you. If I fucking died it's like you'd just be like 'oh too bad'.

I've never felt so fucking unimportant to someone before. Maybe cos I know what it's like to be even somewhat important to you. So this feels like I don't mean a fucking shit to you.
I seriously cannot understand how you couldn't have thought that you were sending me back my own photos. I seriously don't get it. The only reason I can think of is that you don't give a shit and sent me whatever folder had anything to do with us. Wow, great to know you wouldn't even give this a second thought. If I were you, I'd remember I sent you the zoo & old professional camera photos, and I'd at least realise or remember that the science centre and v day photos are YOURS. So duh why would I send those back to you? Unless I wasn't thinking when I was sending it, 'just send whatever whatever shit she wants'. Thanks, for being thoughtful yeah? If I were you the first shit I would send would be shit I KNOW you don't have. Like photobooth and phone.

I'm so hurt, even as just a bloody 'friend'.

And I try to be cheerful in my texts but the moment dropbox comes up you're fucking colder than ice! You're colder than death! It's not like I can never bring it up right? You've forgotten about so many things when we were together, how can I really trust you to remember and check these things when I don't mean a goddam thing to you now? I can already see I can't trust you to check these things cos 1) you had forgotten until I reminded you and 2) you sent me my own photos so obviously this doesn't mean shit to you and you don't even care about what you're sending me.
It's one thing to be meticulous or particular but it's a whole other thing to not even be fucking aware.

I am angry. And I am incredibly hurt. You didn't even apologise for sending me my own photos. That's called making a mistake, and usually people apologise for that. But why would you? YOU DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK. Wouldn't you say sorry to a fucking FRIEND? For sending them their own photos or forgetting all about it? I think you would. BUT I AM NOTHING TO YOU. SO YOU DON'T APOLOGISE FOR FORGETTING ALL ABOUT IT. AND YOU DON'T APOLOGISE FOR SENDING ME BACK MY OWN PHOTOS. AND YOU DON'T APOLOGISE FOR SENDING ME PHOTOS YOU FUCKING KNOW I ALREADY HAVE, WHICH YOU WOULD'VE REALISED IF YOU PUT ANNNNNNNYYYYYY THOUGHT AT ALL INTO THIS.

So thank you!! Thank you for making me feel like I'm being treated like shit! Thank you for completely forgetting me! Thank you for not putting any thought into this!

#rant #hurt #worthless

I'm hanging by a thread|1:41 AM|

Saturday, August 25, 2012

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Lay my head, under the water
Lay my head, under the sea

Excuse me sir, am I your daughter?
Won't you take me back, take me back and see?
There's not a time, for being younger
And all my friends, are enemies
And if I cried unto my mother
No she wasn't there, she wasn't there for me

Don't let the water drag you down (Don't let the water drag you down)
Don't let the water drag you down

Broken lines, across my mirror
Show my face, all red and bruised
And though I screamed and I screamed, well, no one came running
No I wasn't saved, I wasn't safe from me

Don't let the water drag you down (Don't let the water drag you down)
Don't let the water drag you down
Don't let me drown, don't let me drown in the waves, oh
I could be found, I could be one who is saved
Saved, saved, saved

(Musical Break)

Lay my head, under the water
Lord I pray, for calmer seas
And when I wake from this dream, with chains all around me

No, I've never been, I've never been free
No, I've never been, I've never been free
No, I've never been, I've never been free

I'm hanging by a thread|2:58 AM|

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I know I fucked up this time
Just give me one more try
I know you’ve made up your mind
To leave me here behind you

And all the things you said
Made it harder to breathe
When I was lying on the floor
I couldn’t believe you wouldn’t save me
But you blame me

You cried, the fire just died
It’s gone forever
And the chance to live our lives
It’s gone forever
And where we stand tonight
It’s where we stand tonight
So far from never

I know I messed with your mind
And wasted all your precious time
The more I try, the more I find that

All the things you’ve said
Made it harder to breathe
When I was lying on the floor
And I couldn’t believe you wouldn’t save me
But you blame me

You cried, the fire just died
It’s gone forever
And the chance to live our lives
It’s gone forever
And where we stand tonight
It’s where we stand tonight
So far from...

No one will never let you down
No one will never let you down
No one will never let you down
No one will never let you down

Cause the fire has just died
It’s gone forever
And the chance to live our lives
It’s gone forever
And where we stand tonight
It’s where we stand tonight
So far from never
So far from never

You said you’d never let me down
You said you’d never let me down

I'm hanging by a thread|2:31 AM|

Saturday, August 18, 2012

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I need to stop being so desperately pathetic. I don't know why I even post subtle hints on twitter/facebook shit. You don't even see them, so what is the point right? What difference does it make anyway? It's too late, there is nothing that I can do to save us. You've lost it all and I'm holding on to nothing but memories. To some extent, I wish you would read this blog too. Again, I don't know why since it doesn't make a difference. I guess I'd just like you to know, however insignificant it is to you.

I still have a lot of things I want to ask or talk about, but it's finally occurred to me that talking about things breeds more questions, and it'll never end and I will never move on. I need to forget about all my questions and confusions.
I just can't imagine anyone doing what you did. The good things. It will never be the same with anyone. Well, that's a given but I loved everything. Almost everything.
I hope you didn't forget our jokes, our laughs, our bonding, our loving silences, our smiles, our hugs, our kisses, our excitement, our admiration for each other, or the ways in which we did complement each other. I hope you didn't forget the good times. I hope you didn't forget those little moments that are ever clear in my mind.
Unfortunately, as life would have it, you will forget me in time to come. And you'll forget a lot about our time together. Eventually, you'll forget my face.
I don't really wanna harp on that...

I keep losing myself in my imagination. My fantasy. It is far better than reality, but when my feet hit the ground it's like I crashed from an incredible height and I am left in complete internal chaos. I'll pin it on my "avoidant personality disorder"... for now. I have truly drifted away countless times throughout my life, right into my world of fantasy. And I don't mean fantasy like unicorns and castles. I get really into it. I guess it just increases frequency when I'm trying to get away from excruciating reality.

What kills me the most is that you do not mourn at all.
You have nothing to 'get over'.
You do not miss me.
It is so easy to have me out of your life.
It kills me. It really does.

Plus, you have friends. Whatever 'mourning' you might be doing (mostly recovering from the guilt and sudden lack of romantic companionship) is over more quickly because of your friends.
They're there for you. They know what happened, and make the effort to get you out and about, which is the textbook thing to do after a break up.
My friends? They still don't have time for me. Nothing changed. They know, and they still carry on with their lives. You all keep saying that I think I don't have 'best friend' type friends because I don't let them in. Have you ever thought that it's because they've never really been 'there' for me? So why trust in someone who can't handle you when you're broken? Or maybe it's a me thing again. Like everything else.
This is the time for me to see who will truly be there for me. And what I have found is that nobody is there for me. No one but my family, but that's a whole different dynamic and a whole different thing.
They could try to talk to me more, to get my mind off it. They could make the time to get me out more, to help me get over it. It doesn't require talking about it. But they don't. Their own problems and their own social lives will always be far more important. I have accepted that but it doesn't mean I don't still yearn.
I can only get myself through this. I can't say I'm not a bit jealous that you have such great friends who'll do all this for you. They don't say it but it shows. Right now, I'm not in a state to be happy for you that you have them to speed up the after-break-up process.

I need you to mourn. Not over the guilt, not the surge of alone time. Mourn over losing me. Mourn over the fact that I am no longer in your life.
That's not happening. It's all in my mind.

Sometimes, I really wanna be admitted into a psychiatric ward. I'm waiting for the push, to finally make me breakdown. These are the times when I want to get better, without having to manage functioning as a healthy individual in a society such as ours.
I have episodes of feeling grandiose and like I can pull through and be better. Like nothing can stop me and I will make something of myself.
Then I have episodes of wanting to just fucking die.
I want to escape. I need to stop the pain. Whatever my circumstances, the monsters still live inside me and they torture me everyday. Even when everything seems perfect.
In times of stress or in times like these, the monsters call their friends to come out to play.
I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I need to get away.
Make all this stop.

I can't even explain it. The back and forth in my mood and self-image, what I'm struggling with, why I do the things I do to cope, why I want to stop living.
And I don't expect anyone to really understand it, because I don't either.
I just need someone to still be holding my hand no matter how bad I get. Someone who will push back when I push them away, knowing that that's what I really need. "Dependent personality disorder" perhaps?
Someone who realizes when I'm paranoid and reassures me. I mean, it's kind of straightforward isn't it? To reassure someone when they are insecure and/or paranoid?

I'm so incredibly afraid of being alone, of being abandoned, that I fuck myself over in the end and cause myself to be left behind.

I have been abandoned, yet again. What's new?
What's new is that I love(d) you in a way I have loved no other. You were a part of my life in a way no one else has been. I trusted you, more than anyone else. I may not have trusted you completely, but I trusted you more than the rest.
Sadly, that made me even more afraid to lose you. I was consumed and controlled by the intense fear of losing you. As life and all its friends would have it, that itself made you walk away.

I cannot fucking win. I can't.
I can pretend that I'm okay as much as I want, but at the end of the day I know I am not.
At the end of the day, I know that if someone gave me a pill and said it would kill me, I would take it in a heartbeat.

I'm teetering on the edge. Who knows? I could kill myself anytime. And no one cares enough to or is able to see it, how much I want to do it.

Well whatever. You're the only person close to me who reads this nowadays, and you've probably stopped.
Cos as the days go by, you care less and less. If I died tomorrow you wouldn't even know.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:27 AM|

Monday, August 13, 2012

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Why'd I set myself up to feel the same broken feeling three fucking times by the same person?
I was clinging on to the hope that things could get better. I was feasting on the borderline lies you fed me. But I guess deep inside I knew the answer every time. I just didn't want to believe it.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:56 AM|

Sunday, August 05, 2012

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Everyone wants a happy, secure and confident lady by their side.
Sadly, I'm not. I'm paranoid and cannot accept myself.
I wonder why you even fell in love with me in the first place... Maybe you just liked the thrill of something new... and nothing more.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:15 AM|

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It already seems to me that you're happier without me... It kills me.
Do you remember? When Love And Death Embrace.
The song was never the same for me after you came into my life. When you had an attachment to the song, the song changed for me too.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:13 AM|

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Stop making excuses. It was as if you were dishing out any reason you can find as to why we will never work out or something. I don't know if you were convincing yourself that we will never work out or if you were trying to make me believe it... or if you truly have no faith in us as a couple.
You tell me you feel so guilty. Yeah, it's natural to feel guilty. But that doesn't concern me, cos if you didn't feel guilty, that's where there might be a problem. What concerns me is that you keep avoiding. When I ask you how you feel, most of what you tell me points to guilt. It's like you just feel guilty. And when you tell me you're losing your 'better half', I don't know if that's just to make me feel better or not. Cos what I'm seeing is that you're feeling just guilt, mostly, and acting on it. Are you being nice to me because you feel bad? Do you even feel a loss? Is there any part of you that really really really didn't wanna leave? I don't even know what to make of it. I will never get closure until you can say "I don't love you" and mean it, or tell me you love me and want to get me back. It's one or the other. While you're teetering on the fence, I'm going crazy not knowing what to do with myself. I know it's better if I move on but I can't because signs tell me you do have some feelings for me somewhere, while other signs show me you don't. I don't know what to believe, and you're just hot and cold.
I wish I had the self-respect to say I'm not gonna wait around for you. I wish I had the self-worth to say I don't need someone who doesn't even know if he needs me or not. At least if you know, I can be sure of what to do next. But you don't, therefore neither do I.
If you know for sure that I am not the one, then come and fucking say it. Don't drop hints here and there, then go and take them back. I don't know what you're doing. Sometimes, I don't know if you know what you're doing.
Are you just trying to please me? To tell me what I wanna hear to soften the blow? It isn't working. I don't know why we even had the whole conversation about what could happen if we got back together when you had already made up your mind that you're better off without me attached to you.
I have so many questions but I know you'll just become defensive and thus have a lot of excuses. It's not that you did anything wrong in particular, but one can get defensive anyway.

I can only hope, for your sake, that you grow more emotionally mature. So you'll know what you want, what you need and what you have to do... as well as grow more able to handle the pressure you put on yourself. I have my theories as to why you put so much pressure on yourself but it isn't my place to say. I just don't know why you have to end up indirectly blaming me for the parts which have to do with 'us'.
School is distracting you, but only somewhat. You can tell me that you've lost yourself, or that you've messed up your priorities but it shows already. I know where your priorities lie, but do you? It's quite clear. Family, friends, school. I got pushed out of the picture because you don't want to deal with me anymore. I'm not worth the fight, and I'm not worth the time.

Your confusion affects me, too. I may know what I want, need and how to handle my priorities. But your confusion has left me wondering what to do with what I know I want and need. I want and need you in my life, by my side. I don't know if I should walk away, because you don't know if you want to keep walking.
Some of the things you do, some of the things you say (which I speculate may or may not be powered by guilt) and your freudian slips keep me hanging on. Yet some of the things you do and say make me feel like you're long gone.
You don't know how you feel. Or so you say. I'm not sure if you really are confused. You behave in a way that guides me to believe that you know you don't love me, but you are guilted into keeping in touch. And you're still getting over the lack of feelings you have for me, and the companionship.
I don't know if I'm even making sense or if I'm being overly cynical. A lot of this just points back to guilt.

I miss you. I don't just miss your company, though it is true that there are a lot of things I feel I cannot do because there's no one to do them with. Yeah, I'm a pretty lonely girl. If I did the same things I wanted to do with you, with someone else, it wouldn't be the same at all. I'd still wish I were doing it with you.

I wrote a letter. I don't know if I should give it to you or not.
All I can say is I'd take you back in a heartbeat. At least, in my soul. Since I should make you work for it. Lol. I don't know if it's possible you might ever want me back, though.
You remember all the general negative things but only remember specific positive things.
The five positive things you told me when I asked, they were generic as hell but the five negative things were so specific. What does that say?
So if you ever think about getting back together, I have a feeling you'd decide you'd rather not. Cos most of what you can remember is bad, bad, bad and bad. And you peg them as being 'me'. There's a difference between being 'me' and bad habits or flaws that can be improved on.
I know I keep looking for reasons why you don't love me, but all I really wanted was proof that you do. I look for the bad but what I want is to find that there is no bad. I tried to find reasons to say you didn't love me because I wanted you to prove that you did, I wanted to be proven wrong.
Now I keep thinking you're stringing me along out of guilt, but I want to be wrong.
Prove me wrong. Realise you love me and that you do want/need me by your side. Please.

I guess you could say this is partly denial. But can it really be considered denial? After all, I'm not quite sure what I'm denying. I'm not saying we are still together, so I'm not denying we broke up. It can't really be said that I'm denying you don't love me cos you couldn't say it. You couldn't say you don't love me, cos a part of you stopped you. The part that, I believe, is still in love with me. In some twisted way. So technically I'm not denying it, I guess. See, this is confusing me too.
What I'm not confused about, though, is that I am indeed in love with you. I'm hoping I can move on, but for now I'm still here for you.
I know what I want and I know what I can do to make things between us better if you got your shit sorted out and realised what I want you to realise. I know what I can do to improve, but do you? Are you willing? If you're not then that is another excuse not to be with me. Cos you're determined to find someone able to happily accept the things I cannot. But they're small things, that I can eventually get over. Your larger, less changeable, negative traits are ones I don't have a problem with. Unless it's the stubbornness against trying harder for me. Then I don't know what to say.

I have a lot of things I have been working on for 4 years to sort out within myself. I'm still trying. I just thought you'd be here with me to support me, like you said you would. I don't expect you to fix me. If you don't know how to handle me when I get paranoid, I can help you. Maybe not when I'm actually being paranoid but I can tell you what you can do. If you have to help me with my mental shit then that's how. Not by leaving me cold and alone, to fight the returning demons. Oh, wait. This is guilting again.
I can't win.

I don't know if I should give you the letter. Let me know, if you see this, if you want it. It's not a mean letter. I promise. And let me know if you'd rather have me steer clear, so you can better sort out your feelings. If you want me to keep close, you talk to me. I can try and talk to you but the conversation will die and blah. And I don't wanna ask you out because there's a chance you'll hang out out of guilt.

I can't be more sorry. I hope you find yourself soon, and then find that I'm a part of you that you still want in your life... that you still need.
I can't remember the last time I was this pathetic about someone. I can't let go just yet.
I love you. With or without me, I'd like to see you get your life in order (whatever that really means...).

I just need you to be sure. And when you are, please take care to let me know.

I'm hanging by a thread|1:52 AM|