As I Say My Goodbyes

Thursday, August 28, 2008

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Living a charade, always on parade. What a mess I've made of my existence.

Behind this broken smile, I bear a broken heart.
Behind this empty stare, the pieces of my heart shatter once again into a million more pieces.
They scatter everywhere.
Obvious are my fears, so silent are my tears.

When your world breaks down. And the voices tell you, 'turn around'.
When your dreams give out, I will carry you.
When the stars go blind and the darkness starts to flood your eyes, when you're falling behind.
I will carry you.

I'm getting a cough.

I didn't drink a single sip of water today, if you exclude the water added in drinks.

I should've just kept it to myself. So you'd never know, and I'd continue to purely isolate myself because of you. And you'd continue.

Do I have to spill my tears, teach you how to say Goodbye.

Am I simply a sacrifice?

I'm hanging by a thread|12:00 AM|

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

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Feel I'm getting old.

Sometimes you have to assert your authority to get something done, and then deal with the different reactions later.

Keep me safe from harm.
You were always there to protect me. Shower me with love and affection. Returned the favour and the next thing I knew we were keeping as distant from each other as possible. Where did I go wrong?

Today is Jac's birthday, aka Tutu. =D
Happy Birthday. =D

Don't think she'll read this though haha.

I'm watching A7x youtube videos.
And I realised this skin, the post space is too small to post youtube vids. =(
So I shan't post. =D

I watched Robbie Williams live, better man.
And Guns N Roses live, Sweet child o' mine.
Lol.
Inspired by Sir's concert.
I feel so lousy. =(
Ms Wee came on Monday. And I wasn't there! D;<
Shannen has the 'best' timing....

Hold me, like you held on to life.

I'm hanging by a thread|7:26 PM|

Monday, August 25, 2008

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This spot in hell is where I belong?

Would you believe her if she said she was going to run away?
Would you believe her if she told you she was on the edge of breaking down?
Would you believe her if she warned you she was on the brink of killing herself?
Would you believe her if she broke down in front of you?
Would you comfort her? Would you bother? Or would you simply pat her on the back, tell her she'll be fine, and walk away to join the rest of your friends?
If she sat at the edge of the roof of a building, ready to let herself fall any moment.
If she had a knife to her throat, ready to kill herself any moment.
If she had a noose ready hanging in her room, ready to hang herself any moment.
If she had a gun to her head, ready to pull the trigger any moment.
If she runs away screaming vile curses completely unlike her.
If she bursts into tears out of nowhere for no apparent reason.
Would you care?

If she sobbed quietly in a corner, would you notice?
Or would you be too busy? Talking to your other friends, having fun and sharing jokes with them.
Do you take time to pay careful attention to her insecurities, her complexes, her troubles?
Would you be feeling enough to notice her small signs, would you notice if she was on the verge of suicide.

Didn't think so.

Can't you see her future looks so bleak.
There's nothing for her to look forward to, nothing to look back on.
She thought she found happiness in you but you've only ended up disappointing her like everyone else in her life.
Everything ends in disappointment.
Sure you didn't notice that.

If she were absent erratically, would you give a damn. Or would you just assume that's the way she is?
If she never went online again, would you spare a thought to wonder why?
If she went on holiday for 3 weeks, would you ever text or call?
Maybe not, you'd be too caught up with the rest of them to bother.

If she died on a Thursday night.
You wouldn't wonder what happened to her on Monday.
Don't need to contemplate about the weekend because you haven't been bothering.

All she needs is for you to show that you care. Words typed out show emotion. However, from you, it isn't enough. She needs to hear it in your voice, she needs to see the sincerity in your face.
Perhaps you never comfort her in real life because there is no sincerity?
That one time, was because it was an instruction from a figure of authority.

She's a dwelling place for demons.

Her insecurities make her think she's seeming too needy when she asks.

So she shuts up.
No one knows the turmoil in her.
A mixture of emotions.
Pandora's box. Keep it shut or else evil is released into the world.

She's always sorry you're not there with there, beside her, through everything, like you always say.
You always tell her you'll be by her side, and you'll be with her through everything. Where are you?
Her most lonely times are when your body is there, but not your mind or your soul nor your heart.
You're just there. Doing other things. Not noticing or thinking that she's right beside you, needing you more than ever but you seem so oblivious.

It's as if she never crosses your mind. She used to be so special, why the change.

_

You can't understand.

The sorrow that made her live.

I'm hanging by a thread|5:45 PM|

Sunday, August 24, 2008

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Lost and lonely and I can't get through the night.
You don't have to save my life.
Someday your heart will just let it go. As soon as the worst is over, you can make it all make sense.
Right now, I can't give you what you need. But as soon as you get that feeling, run to me.
You don't have to say a word.
Trust, I'm not gonna hate you for it.
Some day those memories will fade away. As soon as you get that feeling you can start to live again.
How can I be brave enough to say goodbye? I'd die inside without you.
Can't you see it's hard enough to walk away?
Valentine is done. Here but now, they're gone.
C'mon baby, take my hand. Don't fear the reaper.
A lonely road.
Miles away from those I love.
Now I wish I'd stayed.
I'm lonely and I'm tired.
There's nothing here for me on this barren road.
No one here while the city sleeps.

When hope begins to fade....

What we don't touch, we cannot feel.
We're throwing it all away. Please, bring back yesterday.
When we laughed and enjoyed the moments.
Now we can do nothing but look back, regret.
Why didn't we cherish those moments?
Cos we took it for granted they'd be forever.
Who'd have known this would happen.
Who saw it coming. Not me, that's for sure.
All hope is gone of moving on.

I don't want it anymore. It hurts too much.

I'm done.

I'm hanging by a thread|12:55 PM|

Friday, August 22, 2008

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Seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost.
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over.
I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time.
But I'm too young to worry. These streets we travel on will undergo our same lost past.
I found you here, now please just stay for a while.
I can move on with you around.
I hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?
I'd do anything for a smile, holding you ti.l our time is done.
We both know the day will come, but I don't want to leave you.
I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time.
But I'm too young to worry.
A melody, a memory, or just one picture.
Seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost.
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over.
Newborn life replacing all of us, changing this fable we live in.
No longer needed here so where do we go?
Will you take a journey tonight, follow me past the walls of Death?
But girl, what if there is no eternal life?
I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time.
But I'm too young to worry
A melody, a memory, or just one picture.
Seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost.
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over.
Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here.
Please tell me what we have is real.
So what if I never hold you, yeah, or kiss your lips again?
Woooaaah, so I never want to leave you, and the memories of us to see.
I beg, don't leave me.
Seize the day, or die regretting the time you lost.
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over.
Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here.
Please tell me what we have is real.
Silence you lost me, no chance for one more day.
I stand here alone.
Falling away from me, no chance to get back home.

I'm hanging by a thread|11:03 PM|

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

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Through early-morning fog I see visions of the things to be. The pains that are withheld for me.
I realise, and I can see that suicide is painless. It brings on many changes and I can take it or leave it if I please. I try to find a way to make all our little joys relate without that ever-present hate. But now I know that it's too late and the game of life is hard to play. I'm gonna lose it anyway. The losing card, I'll someday lay, and this is all I have to say. The only way to win is cheat. And lay it down before I'm beat. And to another, give my seat, for that the only painless feat.
The sword of time will pierce our skins. It doesn't hurt when it begins, but as it works its way on in, the pain grows stronger. Watch it grin. But a brave man once requested me to answer questions that are key. Is it to be or not to be? And I replied, "Oh why ask me?"
Cos suicide is painless, it brings on many changes. And I can take it or leave it as I please, and you can do the same thing if you please.

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head. They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed. Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone. There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain. An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again? And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face? And will you never try to reach me? Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow. You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate. You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take. So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind. And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind. And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave. Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made. And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away!” Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be.

Take me. I want you to show me the way. To find the world.

I wish that you could hate me, then things would be so easy.
..... I'd get over it quickly.

And in you I confide.

I'm hanging by a thread|9:36 PM|

Monday, August 18, 2008

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Another new blog skin!
Sorry, rapid changes.
But this blog is... Fairly neglected. Almost no one comes here anyway. :/
I TRY. =( My HTML skills are just BAD.

Eh you, stop stealing. It's painful.

And YOU. You can't give me zero!! =( I PRESENTED.

And youuuuu. You Bxxxx... I don't want to talk to you already... But what choice do I have? I HAVE to. And you have no clue. Either that, or you DO and you're just one hell of a diabolical, mean, emotionally sadistic BITCH.
Oh there I said it. D=<<
And if that was true, you just love to see me SUFFER don't you. You enjoy tormenting me, screwing up my emotions, making me think and feel all sorts of things to bring me down.

I could say sorry in a thousand ways...

I'm hanging by a thread|9:28 PM|

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New blogskin! =)

Sadly, my posts have no titles now. =(
I'm not good enough at HTML to edit it such that my titles are back! D=

This whole new-blogskin thing is really tiring. :/
Adding the links, editing the things, the cbox code, the title changes, the everything.
That's if, you like it the way you want it.
If you really don't care or really don't mind what the creator had done already then leave it it's your choice in the end. =]

2:19AM.

Blogger. Tsk. Always giving me problems eh?

I'm hanging by a thread|2:17 AM|

Saturday, August 16, 2008

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Endlessly searching...

Mondays and Fridays are the worst days of the week!
Monday:
- First day of the week -_-
- HHF [sucks like .... ]
- Geography [Hates]
- T-shirt and not blouse thanks to HHF.
- Art [SOVA]. Boring hell I swear.
- RME [hates, not because it's RME but because it's hardly productive and when I do turn up in school, I sleep.]
- SS. [Hates hates hates]
- ____... First time I've felt that way towards it, the not-looking-forward-to-it-at-all feeling.

Friday:
- GEOG ugh.
- PE [sucks to the core @^#&$%^^&*%#^$%^]
- Marry a cow, poa is last period.
- People "tgif" here and there and everywhere, I dread the busy weekend of horrendous nonsense.
- Chem first thing in the morning, when people who sleep really late [or really EARLY depending on how you look at it haha] are disoriented from lack of sleep.

Seems like short lists right.
But each point has this whole thing to it.
And a lot more of... Daily things I just cannot cope with. And everyday there's this pressure put on me, by one teacher or another... That I'm just not doing well, I mean, I KNOW ALREADY why tell me, you think I'm THAT slow? To the point of not knowing that I'm falling way behind...

I don't want to know, if you're joking or you're serious. I mean, I do, but I'm afraid of the answer...

Anyway, Damaged is omg. I felt for the character, strangely enough. I guess Cathy Glass is a good writer AND foster carer.

Hmm...
One step two step three step four.
Should be steps.

Wrisk. There's no such word man, don't be ridiculous.

I'm just talking to myself, I'm mad of course.

I'm hanging by a thread|12:08 AM|

Thursday, August 07, 2008

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This was the youtube person's description:
READ MY DESCRIPTION******

So it turns out the whole Adam' Song was about Adam Krieger is completely false. There is no connection. www.adamsletter.com was recently updated to make it clear.

However, the whole message behind this stands. This note is written beautifully and in such a way that we might be able to understand a small portion of what is going on inside the minds of these types of people and possibly save some lives.

****But what I really do not like about all this .....if this (a SINGLE person's) note was real, it would have more of an impact on people. But seeing a fake note and only reading statistics of literally THOUSANDS who take their life away every day because of relatively the same problems, we do not flinch. What has become of ourselves?

We are so unmotivated and stone-cold. We live in a society where showing visible emotion is seen as one being weak. We're destroying ourselves. This is how the world ends...

And the Adam's song.
The lyrics:

I never thought I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest who'd have known
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder it was never plugged in at all
I took my time, I hurried up
The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed, to go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never thought I'd die alone
Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never set foot in my room again
You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault

I never conquered, rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never conquered, rarely came
Tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I'd survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone

All of it makes a lot of sense...

I'm hanging by a thread|9:52 PM|

Saturday, August 02, 2008

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In a little while from now
If I’m not feeling any less sour
I promise myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower
And climbing to the top will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to who
Ever what it’s like when you’re shattered
Left standing in the lurch at a church
Where people saying: "My God, that’s tough
She's stood him up"
No point in us remaining
We may as well go home
As I did on my own
Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday
I was cheerful, bright and gay
Looking forward to well wouldn’t do
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down
Reality came around
And without so much, as a mere touch
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt
Talk about God and His mercy
Or if He really does exist
Why did He desert me in my hour of need
I truly am indeed Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that there are more hearts
broken in the world that can’t be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?

Alone again, naturally
Now looking back over the years
And whatever else that appears
I remember I cried when my father died
Never wishing to hide the tears
And at sixty-five years old
My mother, God rest her soul,
Couldn’t understand why the only man
She had ever loved had been taken
Leaving her to start with a heart so badly broken
Despite encouragement from me
No words were ever spoken
And when she passed away
I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally

The part about God's existence. Right now I don't agree.
But I used to, things of the past.
Will history repeat itself? ='(

I'm hanging by a thread|6:20 PM|