As I Say My Goodbyes

Monday, February 16, 2015

______________________________

Maybe my life is too interesting. Sometimes, I feel glad that my life is not boring. Something is always happening, something is always about to happen, something... always something. Never nothing. Sometimes it gets boring, when I think about how I'm not really doing anything with my life. I'm just a kid, who can't actually take care of herself, in university and I have nothing else going for me. I don't have proper hobbies, I have no talents. I'm nothing more than my body and how well I do in school (which isn't very well).

But maybe it's just too interesting. Just over 6 years in therapy, and I feel like my deeper issues have not been addressed. Why is this so? Maybe because I've never had one therapist for at least a year, maybe because I've had to restart the process with every new therapist and I've had several breaks in between. I've had several breaks where I thought I'd be okay without it and I find myself back in a therapist's office because I almost killed myself and realised I need to stay alive for my mother.

Why do I feel like, deep down, the same things have been wrong all this while? I've had breakthroughs, I've been helped through numerous various situations/events, and I just handle life better when I go for regular sessions. Maybe I'm not really getting better. Maybe it's because things keep happening, and I have at least one new thing on my mind every time I see a therapist. Maybe it's because when I have a dozen things on my mind, that's when my deeper issues show and surface in my mind. Maybe because when I don't have anything pressing or longwinded to talk about, these deeper issues don't occur to me. So when nothing much is going on in my life, the deeper issues don't come to mind to discuss. Maybe when I do start, I'm never able to finish the entire, super long, thought because the therapist addresses something I said and we move in that direction so I don't get to really say everything.

I can't win. And for some reason this web of thoughts I have every now and then, which is pretty complex, never comes to me when I'm in session. It comes to me in the shower, while I'm driving, when I'm brooding, when I'm crying, but never in session.

And over time, despite being 'helped' through the dips in life as it goes, I feel like these issues get deeper and deeper. I feel like these issues get worse. Maybe I handle them better, outwardly. Maybe I learned to hide them better. Because they definitely asphyxiate me when I am alone. And these things that happen in my life, they tend to support these thoughts I have. So these issues become more solid, they become heavier. They become increasingly real.

And I think, ultimately, this keeps me from moving through life. I'm stuck. I'm absolutely stuck. Time goes by, and I gain years, and I go from one semester to the next in school. But where am I really going? What am I achieving? What do I have to show, to myself or to anyone?
Nothing.
And I don't even have enough motivation to significantly change that.

I am going through the motions and I am stuck in the same place as I have been for years.
My life is not worth much and I, less than that.

I'm hanging by a thread|4:28 AM|

Thursday, February 12, 2015

______________________________

I'm trying to remind myself that this is not what it seems.

But it's pretty difficult when it just makes sense if it is exactly what it seems.

I'm hanging by a thread|7:45 AM|

Thursday, February 05, 2015

______________________________

May God lead you through, for there seems nothing we can do.

I'm hanging by a thread|8:23 PM|

Wednesday, February 04, 2015

______________________________

Every day that I decide I'll start on it, this happens and I just feel like fuck that.

I'm hanging by a thread|12:54 AM|

Tuesday, February 03, 2015

______________________________

It's been a while since I've felt this alone. It's ironic.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:46 AM|

Sunday, February 01, 2015

______________________________

I fear that you delight in it, however secretly.

I'm hanging by a thread|1:06 AM|