Did you make all those promises because you knew that soon, you wouldn't be obliged to keep them? Did you have no intention of keeping them, knowing you already wanted to leave?
The blue ice cream, the bandana thing... Keeping me company in a rented terrace apartment. I'm not even gonna start on the promises you made regarding the longevity of our love, or should I say your love for me?
quickly fading
I hate always being right about my worst intuitions. It would be a fucking relief to be wrong for once. I need a break. Ideally, a permanent one.
I am so sorry.
Please come home and stop this pain tonight.
I miss you.
Where's my plane to take me to another land?
I need to go.
I need to get away.
Someone get me out of here,
I need to go,
Go somewhere that I can see clear.
I cannot seem to escape,
I cannot seem to see the end.
All my wounds, they're left agape,
My broken heart, I only yearn to mend.
I'm trapped within myself,
My personal beasts, ever alive.
My one, true, burning desire,
Is to get out here, I want to survive.
I need to go.
I need to get away.
I just feel so imprisoned.
I need to get away from here, for now.
Just for now.
Perhaps another day,
My lust for death will return.
I think it suffices just to say
That death, to me, is freedom.
I wanna let go.
I wanna let go, break down and go bat shit crazy.
I wanna rock back and forth, hugging my knees. I wanna cry and whimper, with a blade running across my wrists.
I wanna accidentally go too deep and shiver as I run out of blood.
I wanna be free.
You're the one that I want. The one that I need. The one that I gotta have just to succeed.
When I first saw you, I knew it was real. I'm sorry about the pain that I made you feel. That wasn't me, let me show you the way. I looked for the sun but it's raining today.
I remember when I first looked into your eyes - it was like God was there, heaven in the skies.
I wore a disguise cos I didn't wanna get hurt but I didn't know I made everything worse.
You told me we were crazy in love, but you didn't care when push came to shove.
If you loved me as much as you said you did, then you wouldn't have hurt me like I'm not shit.
Now you pushed me away like you never even knew me. I loved you with my heart, really and truly.
I guess you forgot about the times that we shared, when I would run my fingers through your hair. Late nights in your arms, I don't know how I could do you so wrong.
I really wanna show you I really need to hold you. I really wanna know you like no one else could know you.
You're number one, always in my heart. And now I can't believe that our love is torn apart
I know you're gonna sit and play this with your new woman and then sit there and laugh as you're holding her hand. The thought of this shatters my heart. It breaks my soul and it tears me apart.
At times, we were off and I was scared to show you. Now I wanna hold you until I can't hold you. Without you, everything seems strange. Your name is forever planted in my brain.
Damn it, I'm insane. Take away the pain. Take away the hurt. Baby, we can make it work.
What about when you looked into my eyes, told me you loved me as you would hug me?
I guess everything you said was a lie. I think it about and it brings tears to my eyes. Now, I'm not even a thought in your mind. I can see clearly, my love is not blind.
Our first day, it was magical. I remember all the times that I had with you.
We hit it off, I knew it was real but now I can't take all the pain that I feel.
Reach into your heart, I know I'm still there. I don't wanna hear that you no longer care.
Remember the times? Remember when we kissed? I didn't think you would ever do me like this. I didn't think you'd wanna see me depressed. I thought you'd be there for me, this I confess.
I tried, I tried, I tried and I'm trying. Now, on the inside, it feels like I'm dying.
I need you and I miss you and I want you and I love you cos I wanna hold you, I wanna kiss you. You were my everything and I really miss you.
I love you.
I miss you.
I want you.
I need you.
"I ache for you."
"A fragile flame aged in misery. And when our eyes meet, I know you see...
I do not want to be afraid, I do not want to die inside just to breathe in.
I'm tired of feeling so numb. Relief exists... I find it when I am cut.
I may seem crazy or painfully shy, and these scars wouldn't be so hidden if you would just look me in the eye.
I feel cold and alone here. No, I don't want to die but the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside.
Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up. Unfold me. I am small, I'm needy. Warm me up and breathe me.
Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes, I'm numb. Sometimes, I'm overcome.
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm for you to see me? I need release.
Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
Cos I grieve, you're not listening to me. Do I need to scream?
Has anybody seen what's been done?
Where was my defense? No one heard my protest.
The eyes of God were watching me. It's time to make my peace, let it go, and be released so I can breathe again. I'm on my knees.
I've been marked - set apart - but I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark.
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut. My weakness is that I care too much, and my scars remind me that my past is real.
I tear my heart open just to feel.
I wish I could I could have quit you.
I wish I never missed you and told you that I loved you.
Every time I fucked you.
The future that we both drew and all the shit we've been through.
Obsessed with the thought of you.
The pain just grew and grew.
How could you do this to me?
Look at what I made for you...
It never was enough and the world is what I gave to you.
I used to be love struck.
Now I'm just fucked up.
Pull up my sleeve and see the pattern of my cuts!"
No one talks to her, she feels so alone. She's in too much pain to survive on her own.
The hurt she can't handle overflows to a knife. She writes on her arm, wants to give up her life.
Each day she goes on is a day that she is brave, fighting the lie that giving up is the way.
If we make a choice and be the voice for those who won't speak up for themselves, how many lives would be saved, changed, rearranged?
My secret is fatally gorgeous. I'd die for you. But when your precious life is at stake, tell me, would you die for me too?
On the first page of our story, the future seemed so bright.
Then this thing turned out so evil. I don't know why I'm still surprised.
But you'll always be my hero even though you've lost your mind.
In this tug of war, you always win even when I'm right.
Cos you feed me fables from your head, with violent words and empty threats.
And it's sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied.
So maybe I'm a masochist. I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave till the walls are going up in smoke with all our memories.
Sweet and divine razor of mine.
Sweet and divine razorblade shine.
Patience, my dear. We could spend a lifetime waiting here.
Maybe this time, I hope I get the chance to say goodbye.
So many questions, but I'm talking to myself. I know that you can't hear me anymore... Not anymore.
So much to tell you and most of all, goodbye, but I know that you can't hear me anymore. It's so loud inside my head, with words that I should've said. As I drown in my regrets, I can't take back the words I never said. Always talking shit, took your advice and did the opposite. Just being young and stupid, I haven't been all that you could've hoped for... but if you'd held on a little longer, you'd have more reason to be proud. The longer I stand here, the louder the silence. I know that you're gone, but sometimes I swear that I hear your voice when the wind blows. So, I talk to the shadows, hoping you might be listening.
I take these pills to make me thin. I dye my hair and cut my skin.
I try everything to make them see me but all they see is someone that's not me.
Here, inside my quiet hell, you cannot hear my cries for help.
I try everything to make them see me but everyone sees what I can't be.
Sometimes, when I'm alone, I pretend that I'm a queen. It's almost believable.
Even when I'm walking on the wire, even when I set myself on fire.
Why do I always feel invisible? Invisible.
Everyday, I try to look my best even though inside, I'm such a mess.
Why do I always feel invisible? Invisible.
I think it's not the lack of positive emotion that hurts me the most about this. It's the negative emotion. The disgust, the annoyance, the anger that you feel towards me. That is what hurts me the most.
The lack of love you feel for me, if it were that and nothing else, I would be able to take. What really kills me is that you actually feel negative towards me, not just honest loss of the most important feeling.
The sad part is, it can be reconciled through friendship with you... the friendship that I might never be blessed with.
Or maybe I just haven't had enough of people being disgusted, annoyed and angered by me. Perhaps I've played it too safe with people and my relationships with them. Am I supposed to anger, disgust and annoy people to strengthen myself? I'd say that is a rather twisted concept. Unfortunately, I've done it and I didn't mean for any of it to happen, especially with the person most important to me aside from my family, the person I trusted more than anyone in my entire life from the day I was born, the person who meant the world to me.
I walked across an empty land, I knew the pathway like the back of my hand.
I felt the earth beneath my feet, sat by the river and it made me complete.
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on.
So, tell me when you're gonna let me in. I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.
I came across a fallen tree, I felt the branches of it looking at me.
Is this the place we used to love? Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on.
So, tell me when you're gonna let me in. I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.
And if you have a minute, why don't we go talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything, so why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know.
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone? I'm getting old and I need something to rely on.
So tell me when you're gonna let me in. I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.
And if you have a minute, why don't we go talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything, so why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know.
How can I try to explain? When I do, he turns away again. It's always been the same, same old story.
All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside. It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it.
Totally screwing up my concentration level for exams. Fuck. I can't concentrate at all.
What happened to my ability to compartmentalise? Or did this just spill over into everything? I think it did.
I hope I don't fail because of this. I always thought it was pathetic, maybe this is karma.
Is Hallelujah like a broken love song? Cos if it is, then it's kinda like you were never over her lolol since this song has so much meaning to you. Still hurt? Means you still care, you still love.
And it kills me that technically she's back in your life.
'Twas just a little insensitive to accept the request so soon. If I were you I would've waited.
Not like she's so important that you gotta accept it straight away.
Or is she?
I was dreaming of the past, and my heart was beating fast.
I began to lose control... I began to lose control.
I didn't meant to hurt you.
I'm sorry that I made you cry.
Oh, no. I didn't mean to hurt you.
I'm just a jealous guy.
I was feeling insecure you might not love me anymore.
I was shivering inside... I was shivering inside.
Oh, I didn't mean to hurt you.
I'm sorry that I made you cry.
No, I didn't want to hurt you.
I'm just a jealous guy.
I was trying to catch your eyes... Thought that you were trying to hide.
I was swallowing my pain... I was swallowing my pain.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
I'm sorry that I made you cry.
I didn't want to hurt you, no.
I'm just a jealous guy.
"girl, let me love you and I will love you until you learn to love yourself"
The songs on the radio... They continue to kill me.
Just a random thought.
People argue over creationist ideas, like Darwin's theory VS God. According to Darwin, we (man) descended from nature - the trees and the fishes and the birds and fruits - and evolved into the human species. According to religion, there is a higher deity/power who created us and put us all here as is - humans, birds, trees and fruits were there from the beginning.
I'm a little fuzzy on the whole dinosaur ages thing, because if that really existed then it throws off the whole Adam & Eve story doesn't it?
Anyway, I just had a random thought that went something along the lines of:
If Darwin resists the idea of a God who created everything, then what put the trees, plants, birds and fruits on Earth in the first place and where did the air and atmosphere stuff come from and what about the universe?
Ah hah, ah hah, ah hah.
The fucking shit I think of in a subconscious (I don't know if awareness makes it conscious...) attempt to avoid studying.
Everything used to be so different.
Do you remember what you said?
"I don't care how much we have to go through but Imma marry your ass one day bitch!"
You made a promise and you probably don't even remember it.
You used to be able to dream. I don't know when that stopped. You used to tell me you wanna have 2 properties, one overseas and one here. You want a boat. 2 cars & a bike. A workshop with tools, a gym and lots of space for fish tanks.
I told you that's never gonna happen.
You said it doesn't hurt to dream.
So when did it become a problem when I said I wanna live in a condo and eventually do up my own interior? Plus, that's honestly more feasible than what you dreamt of. How could that scare you when you had dreams of your own?
Something else that seemed to have had disappeared was "I can't wait to see you."
You used to say it a lot. Then you missed me less and less, and you couldn't wait to not see me, and my heart & mind reacted reflexively and I lost control which ended up in me losing you.
If I were given the opportunity to find out one thing about the recent past, I'd like to know which came first. Did your heart leave or did mine freak out first?
You used to say I ease your heart. When did I start making it hurt?
You said you hadn't "felt this way in a long long time..." and, well, you didn't feel it for a long long time either.
You told me you're "glad you are who you are because I love who you are" and you thanked God for me.
I guess you changed your mind and your mind changed your heart and your heart changed your actions and my reactions changed our spark.
You stopped loving who I am.
I fell so in love with a man who could only stand me for the honeymoon period. If I think about it, I don't know if I could call that 'love'... As much as I would like to.
Dehydrated.
Someone comes along and offers their palm to you, carrying some water.
You lap it up slowly, cautiously.
One lick, two licks...
Just as you're about to go for the third, the person withdraws their hand.
That little bit of water quenched your thirst for a short while,
but in the end you're still dehydrated and dying.
Where's the well you were promised?
That was nice. I hope nothing ruins it.
I tend to overreact. I'm working on it.
I cannot fathom how accurate this is.
Honestly, it's a reflex. The vulnerable child inside me takes over and I lose control. If you asked me, I'd say those few months are hazy to me now. Do you know what it feels like to know you're fucking up but you can't do a shit about it?
I never used to think I had a bad childhood, but now it's becoming increasingly clear how fucked up my childhood was to have had this effect on me.
1, 2, and perhaps 6 but that, no one would know.
People can tell me, everyday, to trust people. To open up, to allow people to 'help' me.
For one, they don't really help. They make me feel worse and I think most people are more concerned about their own lives than mine.
And honestly, how can they expect me to change and trust people? I have trusted so many people in the course of this pathetic life and they aren't here today.
I am so afraid to fully trust the friends I have now. I love them like crazy, and to a certain extent I know they have my back but I'm not about to trust them with what I've always wanted to trust someone with.
I don't know how it's so easy to expect me to just trust people.
Every person I have put all my trust in has left me. Do tell me how it is logical to continue to trust people.
Empirically, it is not a good idea, am I right?
Instinctively, I don't feel like I should trust people anymore.
I thought I could try again, and I trusted him more than anyone in my life at that time.
He walked away, too.
It's nothing new but with every person who walks away, a fresh wound is left and every cut gets deeper and deeper.
With romantic love, maybe the 'first cut is the deepest' but it shouldn't be grounds for an excuse as to why it seems like your first love was the most amazing person you've ever had in your life. Saying 'first cut is the deepest' when your current lover is insecure about your ex just makes it seem like you're agreeing that your ex is better and you wish it worked out or some fuck AKA not over her.
As with everything else, I don't believe the first cut is the deepest. As far as my experiences go, the cuts get deeper and the scars get darker despite becoming increasingly numb.
I'm such a fuck up. It's better that people don't become too aware of that or I'll be more alone than I already am. I need to learn to distance myself from people.
I know I need to 'fix' myself. I just thought it'd be nice to have someone to hold my hand, supporting me.
He seemed promising.
I couldn't have been more wrong. I don't think I ever had that much faith in someone making it through with me, and now I'm in pieces lying in a pool of my own blood and tears.
I give and I give, people take and they take.
I don't seem to run out of heart and soul.
So I just keep giving.
At least if I were empty, it'd be easier to shut people out.
I can't do that, though, and I keep getting hurt again and again.
I'm too unstable for anyone.
If you ever even read my blog, it isn't even because you care about me.
It's to remind yourself of what you did.
Well, lol. not checking up on me, not cos you're concerned about me, not cos you wanna know how I'm doing.
nope, that shit doesn't matter. hah~
oh, she wants to kill herself. she's drowning and she can't get out.
I am such a horrible person.
damn me. doesn't matter that she might die any day, nope, what concerns me is how bad a person I am for being part of the cause of this.
FUCKIN FUNFAIR IS IT!?!
HEARD YOUR PAST GODDESS'S VOICE WHICH BROUGHT THE MEMORY BACK THEN WANTED TO TEXT HER, NOT BAD ENOUGH.
BUMPED INTO HER WHEN YOU'RE SINGLE. CAN'T GET ENOUGH!?!??!?!?!?
WHAT. WHAT. WHAT.
SO MANY FUCKING YEARS WITHOUT HER, WHAT'S THE POINT OF ADDING HER BACK NOW?!
WAS I SOME TWISTED REBOUND SHIT?!??!!? TOOK SO FUCKING LONG TO GET OVER HER (AND THOUGHT YOU DID COS YOU HAVE A TENDENCY TO REPRESS A LOT OF SHIT), TRANSFERRED FEELINGS TO ME THEN FUNFAIR FOR A WHILE AND LOST ALL FEELINGS FOR ME BECAUSE, WELL THAT'S HOW FUCKING REBOUND RELATIONSHIPS WORK. THEN NOW FUCKING FUN RIGHT SO HAPPY RIGHT. COMPLETELY OVER HER NOW RIGHT, CAN BE FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK ALL ALREADY. HUH. FUCK.
GO LA. GO CHASE HER AGAIN. FUCK. BET SHE'S STILL AS BUSTY AS EVER. STILL AS FUCKING FUNNY AS EVER. STILL AS FUCKING SECURE AND CONFIDENT AS FUCKING EVER.
Fine. I'll admit it's my fault for even going to your fucking profile but really, this is so unnecessary. How am I to concentrate on exams now?
Oh wait, my feelings and opinions don't mean a fucking shit. you can do whatever the fuck you want without regard for my emotions. Ha ha, so funny.
You didn't feel the need to have her back on Facebook, so what's the fucking point now? Please, enlighten me. She can't be a fucking 'contact', what the fuck is she gonna do for you? Dance at your fucking wedding? Or would you like a private dance, a lap dance maybe? Surely, you'd like that. Her magnificent boobs in your face and whatnot. Ya?
Are you like a total free bird now? Cos the number 1 reason you always gave me before anything else was "cos she is/I am attached". Love me and only me and only want me, no one else cos I'm better? Nope, relationship status more important. She isn't what you're looking for or whatever other reasons why you wouldn't fall in love with her? Nope, relationship status more important. So the only reason I can think of now that you could give me if I asked is that "she has a boyfriend".
- Go chase her la
- I won't
- Why
- Cos she has a boyfriend
Yup. Not cos you're completely over her and have no intention of getting back together with her.
Yup. Not cos she's not attractive to you anymore.
Yup. Not cos you realised she's definitely not someone you want in your life that way (or in my ideal world, in your life at all).
But because she has a boyfriend. That's the most *important* thing, really.
Fun, huh? Are you texting her ferreal now? Not a hypothetical situation anymore? Yeah? Good to have her back in your life? Did she bring back some light into your life by bumping into you, since I drained it all and left you in darkness?
Good to know she's STILL so FUCKING FANTASTIC to you!!!!
So it's 'meant to be' or what huh? Since you like to take your relationship and fit it into others' moulds. Like how you thought I'd be a crazy-angry wife when you know for certain I don't manifest my anger in that way. And that 5-6 years, bumping into each other thing you told me. WELL, HERE YOU GO. Here's your fucking first love, some several years later, bumped into you.
Go. Have some fucking fun. It must be fucking meant to be, ya? Cos that's how it happened for your friend.
You said you don't like that I compare to myself to your ex. Well, I think it's no different from you comparing our relationship to your friends' and perceiving ours through their ups and downs. As if anything slightly similar between ours and theirs or what had happened to them before will result in the same outcome for us as them.
I can literally feel my heart hurting. I wouldn't even say 'aching'.
And I honestly don't think I am wrong for getting upset.
I'd like to know who was the one who sent the friend request, but I'm afraid of the answer... however seemingly unlikely the worse of the two answers could be.
I don't know if tomorrow is still on. If you forgot, it would be nothing new. You tend to forget all about me, so good on you.
They tell me it's okay.
They tell me it doesn't matter.
They tell me they're alright.
I cannot find a way to believe them.
And I can't help but feel like I've caused part of it.
"Romance is when two people are walking next to each other and all of a sudden they find themselves holding hands, and they don't know how that happened."
We had exactly that. EXACTLY.
That was definitely one of the best nights of my life, I guess I just never told you that.
We were walking along the bridge, and somehow we ended up holding hands. It started with hooked arms earlier in the night, and by the time we crossed that bridge, we were holding hands and we were comfortable. I still don't know how that happened, and I don't think you do either.
I'm just sorry it withered away like a flower without sun, and it wasn't saved.
It's good to be there for people, but sometimes I just don't want to know.
Like H. Sometimes I wish she wouldn't bitch to me about everything my brother does. It just makes me feel horrible to know he does that. Unload to me, I unload to who!?
Well I used to have someone but I guess he never understood that ranting/unloading doesn't always need advice, just a listening ear and some comforting words sometimes.
Oh well. That's long gone anyway.
I'm slipping.
The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down by Anne Fadiman. 1997.
It's a pretty good book if you don't mind digressions and history, but there were some parts that really touch you. I'm not sure if it's the same effect if you don't know the story, though. It's about this epileptic Hmong girl (Lia) and how her parents and American docs tried to help her and after a septic shock and being infected by a bacteria that impairs the blood's ability to clot, she becomes a vegetable.
Hahhhhhhh. I just wanted to share the parts that touched me. ): Don't ask why, cos I haven't the faintest.
"When the CPS workers arrived, Foua [[Lia's mum]] was out of the house, visiting relatives. Several years later, Nao Kao [[Lia's dad]] told me, through an interpreter, what had happened. (He was under the impression that the social workers, who were accompanied by a Hmong interpreter named Sue Xiong, were police officers.) 'The police came to take Lia away. Sue told the doctor that we didn't give Lia any medicine and that is why the doctors got mad and they came to take Lia away. I was very angry. I almost killed the translator. I said, This is my child and I love her. The police said for six months Lia is government property.' Foua told me, 'When I came home, my husband told me that they took the baby and he said that they didn't tell them where they took the baby. I didn't know any English so I didn't know what to think or what to say. I told my elder relatives, but they said, Well, if those people came to take her, then you can't do anything. I cried so much that I thought my eyes would go blind.'"
"At the end of each of the Lees' visits to the Kordas' [[foster parents she was with for a little less than a year]] house, Lia tried to get in the car with them and screamed with panic when they drove away without her. Nao Kao told me, 'The family really took care of Lia and really cared for her too, but maybe she missed us too much and that is why she got sicker. We missed her too. I do not know how to describe how we missed her.' Foua said, 'Our bed was empty without her. I loved her a lot and I had always held her during the night and didn't let her sleep by herself. I cried every night when I got in the bed and she was not there,'"
Then there's a whole chapter 11 'The Big One'. Which was describing the entire episode of her 2-hour long seizing and the crash which landed her brain-dead. Relatively painful to read... The hospital gave Nao Kao a paper to sign which said Lia would die in 2 hours. He couldn't take it and wanted her to go home. Which she did.
"Her parents carried her back to their apartment, took off her funeral clothes, and laid her on a shower curtain they had spread on the living room floor. 'Lia was going to die if she stayed in the hospital,' said Nao Kao, 'but we boiled up some herbs and we washed her body. At the hospital she was so sick that when she was sleeping on the bed, she sweated so much her bed got all wet. She had too much medicine and her body just gave awy. But then we boiled the herbs and we washed her and her sweat stopped, and she didn't die.'"
"In other words, Lia's brain damage had cured her epilepsy, and, over time, as she grew taller - or rather, longer, since she never stood again - her obligatory soft-food diet cured her obesity. 'She was the healthiest she'd ever been. She was just perfect. A perfect vegetable.'"
Peggy and Neil were residents (docs) at the hospital and they worked very closely with Lia. One of those very personal docs and her parents liked them and trusted them even though they wouldn't listen if they felt very differently. Two years later, Lia was still alive and 'well' at home.
"Teresa Callahan, a resident who had seen Lia during both phass, told me, 'Her mom and dad must have taken wonderful care of her because she grew so much. Most kids that are that severely gorked sort of shrivel up and turn into a bag of bones. I've seen seventeen-year-olds who were the size of four-year-olds.' Neil said, 'Whenever they brought her into the clinic in that baby carrier, Lia was always well-groomed, well-dressed, and immaculate. Just immaculate. It was very impressive.' Peggy added, 'They did a better job than most white families. Most white families would institutionalise her in a second.'"
"They showered Lia with affection because they could not imagine doing otherwise. They had always thought of her as an anointed one, a princess [[epileptics often become Shamans cos they believe the fits = ability to communicate with the spirits]]. Now, constantly attended by her parents and siblings, she had assumed a position in the family that was, if anything, even more regal. She was a central stillness around which the life of the family condensed. If she sat in her wheelchair, someone was always at her elbow; if she was strapped into a nyias [[baby carrier Foua had sewn to fit Lia]], her bearer, whether it was her mother, her father, or one of her older sisters, did a constant little swaying dance to soothe her. More photographs of her hung on the walls than of any of her eight siblings. For years, the schedule Jeanine [[passionate social worker]] had once written for her - 'Wake up,' 'Meds,' 'Leave for School,' 'Playtime' - continued to hang there too, even though she no longer took medicines, went to school, or played. Whether she still woke up in the morning was a question of semantics."
"Lia was the only Lee child who had birthday parties. Every July 19, the sidewalk outside the East 12th Streeth apartment overflowed with relatives and Hmong children. Jeanine Hilt brought Frisbees, beach balls, and water pistols. Foua served Hmong eggrolls stuffed with minced pork and onion; steamed bananas with rice; chickens that had been sacrificed that morning, and their skulls and tongues examined for divinatory signs, before they were stewed; and Doritos. There was always an American birthday cake. Jeanine lit the candles and cut the first piece. The guest of honor, of course, could not blow out her candles or eat her cake. She sat in her wheelchair, immobile and impassive, while the children, who had learned a standard repertoire of American songs in school, sang 'Happy Birthday'"
"Lia was still a beautiful child. She was nothing like the patients in vegetative states whom I had seen in hospitals, pasty-skinned carcasses with slack mouths, hair like straw, bodies that smelled of urine even after they were bathed. Lia's black hair was still shiny, her skin was soft and fine, her lips were still pink and shaped like a Cupid's bow. She smelled delicious. It therefore never seemed strange to me that her family treated her as one would an especially winsome baby: a diapered, bottle-fed, fussing baby who just happened to be three feet tall. Foua cuddled her, stroked her, rocked her, bounced her, sang to her, nuzzled her neck, inhaled her hair, played with her fingers, and made raspberry sounds against her belly. There were also times when Lia seemed more like a pet - a golden retriever, perhaps, with strokable fur and a tractable disposition. Her younger sister, Pang liked to give her bear hugs, tug her ears, and then, joined by Mai and True, lie on top of her in a heap: three squirming, giggling children and one silent one."
"Sometimes Foua simply pre-chewed the chicken, like a mother bird, and stuffed it into Lia's mouth. Every day, Foua boiled quantities of a spinachlike vegetable called zaub, which she grew specially for Lia in the parking lot, and fed her the broth. Lia usually straddled Foua's lap, her long legs sticking out on either side, while Foua, after putting her lips to the food to make sure it wasn't too hot, coaxed tiny bites into her mouth. She always wiped Lia's droll with he hand rather than with a napkin or a towel. ... Then she laughed and kissed Lia's ricey mouth."
"But whenever I began to be lulled by thsi relatively rosy picture, I was drawn up short by an explosion of rage from Nao Kao ('My child is lost because of those doctors!') or, more frequently, by a sudden seepage of grief from Foua. One minute Foua would be laughing, and the next she would be in tears. She would go for weeks without a word of complaint, and then exclaim, 'Lia is so heavy! She is so hard to carry! Other people see nice places but I never can.' She went for two years without sewing any paj ntaub except Lia's giant nyias. 'Lia is too sick,' she said, 'and I am too sad. I am so busy with Lia that I don't know anything except being alive.' Once I saw her rocking back and forth on her haunches, keening. When I asked her what was the matter, she just said, 'I love Lia too much.'"
And there was another part earlier that was about a Hmong child with cancer whose parents refused chemo after the first cycle cos they saw all his hair fall.
"Arnie, who had appeared perfectly healthy after his surgery, lost all his shiny black hair within three weeks after his first cycle of chemotherapy, and every time the drugs were administered, he vomited. Arnie's parents concluded that the chemotherapy was making him sick and refused to bring him in for further treatment. After giving the Vangs three days' warning, his doctor called Child Protective Services, the state agency that deals with child abuse, which dispatched two social workers and two police officers to their house.
Arnie's mother, Dia Xiong, explained to me later, 'When they come, my husband isn't there. I say, Wait for my husband. But they say they can't wait. I say, Please that you go away. I hold my son. I hold him so tight. I say, Give my son back. Two police, they hold my hand behind my back. I can't move. I am scared. My two daughters are crying. The police hold my hand, they take my son away! I scream and cry. Then I take my husband's guns from the bedroom closet. They were two long guns. We bought them to shoot squirrels and deer, not to shoot people. I say, I will kill myself and the little girls if they don't bring him back. I just yell, Please bring my son back to me. I say, Just bring! I want to hold my son!' A SWAT team was summoned, and for three house the Vangs' immediate neighborhood was closed to traffic."
Forgotten faces
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Scream, scream scream
Turn the other way
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