As I Say My Goodbyes

Sunday, March 31, 2013

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I just feel really depressed.
I feel like I truly have no friends.
Schoolwork is so difficult this semester and my project partner keeps procrastinating and not working during weekends.
I'm 3 weeks late and I know there's no baby so it must be the stress/depression.
My anxiety has gone up a lot. No doubt I'm better with PR people like ordering food (I avoid hawker centres and food courts cos that's where it's the worst anxiety, though) and asking questions but I'm just anxious in general.
I have difficulty breathing. I get heart palpitations. I get this full body heat wave. I feel like crying for absolutely no reason. I get really energetic and then become really, really sad.
Nobody knows, though.
I've learned, through the years and more recently the extremely tough way, that nobody wants to know.
Nobody gives a shit. They just want you to be easy to deal with cos that's all that matters - they don't have to handle your instability and emotions.
And that's fine. I get that now.
It just doesn't make this any easier. Cos virtually nobody is here for me.
I'm off therapy. I'm off 5HTP. And honestly, I contemplate dying by my own hands every day. At least three times a day.
I guess I'm too much of a failure to do it, yeah?
I'm not even cutting. I don't see the point now. I want it all to build up so I eventually implode and finally throw myself off a fucking building or swallow a ton of bleach.
It needs to be foolproof. Wouldn't want to deal with the law.

I'm hanging by a thread|11:21 PM|

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

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I need a hug.

I'm hanging by a thread|11:33 PM|

Monday, March 25, 2013

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I'm hanging by a thread|1:40 AM|

Sunday, March 24, 2013

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I want to die but I'd fail at killing myself like I fail at everything else, which will lead to facing criminal charges.
So I guess that's out of the question.
Sigh.

I'm hanging by a thread|8:06 PM|

Friday, March 22, 2013

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GDI YOU COULDN'T BE EARLY JUST ONCE. JUST FUCKING ONCE. Without fail! ALWAYS late! And you take it so lightly like all your life, everyone will wait for you. ETERNALLY. Cos you're always AT LEAST an HOUR late.
I am so angry right now. So angry.

I'm hanging by a thread|7:07 PM|

Thursday, March 21, 2013

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When I really care a lot about something to do with someone, I can't show it. I keep it to myself and I freak out alone. I cry every day, worrying.
I just wish I knew a way to convey that feeling. For the person to know just how much I care. How much I would do to be there for them.

The more I care, the more I withdraw. Unless I've reached a certain level of closeness with the person which has only happened once, and that wasn't all the way either.

I want to call but I don't know what to say.
I want to text to check that they're okay...
That they're alive.
I want them to know how important they are and how wonderful they are but when they really need it, I don't know what to do.

Like I've said before, I can almost easily think of what to do or say to someone in the same situation whom I don't care as much about. Someone who isn't as close to my heart. Sure, I'll be adding a whole bunch of people to my mental list of people to pray for but that's okay.
I'm incredibly, personally disturbed when someone close is experiencing it.

And this time, it was like it came all at once. Everybody suddenly felt that way.
One even withdrew for a few days. I couldn't take it. I thought about it every hour and my heart was a cinder block.
I seriously worried that she might be dead.
How stupid, it must seem. Perhaps, but the feelings are ever real. And you can't stop yourself from your emotions. You can only accept, change or ignore them and that last one is not completely voluntary.

I need to find a way that would show these people how much they mean to me and how much I care. A way that doesn't render me vulnerable and them powerful.
I guess it can't happen.

I'm hanging by a thread|7:05 PM|

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The more and more I learn about infancy in class, the clearer the divide between the way my brother and I were raised. Hah!

My brother achieved secure attachment at 15mths whereas I did not (insecure attachment). He did not have separation anxiety after 3.5 yrs while I was freaking out at 5 yrs.

Curious isn't it?

It is also interesting how his temperament and self-image follow his father's and I follow our mother's. That, alone, is a very big difference.

Amusement.

I'm hanging by a thread|11:04 AM|

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

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I feel like such an annoying shit HAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHA

I'm hanging by a thread|11:14 PM|

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I would rather be the only one and them not understanding than for them to go through it too. It breaks my heart and I'm worried to death.

I'm hanging by a thread|7:49 PM|

Monday, March 18, 2013

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The fight between the want to eat and the will to be thin.
I don't even need to be thin like models. I just want to be slim enough for myself.
Flat midriff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And slimmer legs. Less flabby arms. yeah...
I keep wanting to eat something. I have to remind myself, each time, of the goal ahead - lose the inches.

I'm hanging by a thread|9:29 PM|

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Every night, I pray for the people I love to be alright. To be content at least. I pray for my friends to not fall into a depression or some kind of disorder.
Every day, I worry. I worry about what they do. I worry about how they are. I worry about how they feel.

It's one thing to be dealing with troubled people for the rest of my life, but I wouldn't care for them on the same level as I do my closest friends and family.

And it kills me. It kills me to know they're not doing fine. It tears me apart to know that I can't do anything.
Therapy is the same. If they don't come to you, you can't do anything.

I feel so helpless.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:47 PM|

Saturday, March 16, 2013

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I'm wasting everybody's time.

I have no idea what to do. Do I start a new one? I mean, it's a bit late, isn't it? It's ridiculous. Ridicufuckinglous.

I'm hanging by a thread|8:30 PM|

Friday, March 15, 2013

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You two worry me so much, to the point of even just being sad.
I feel sad. Just sad. Knowing what I know and seeing what I see.

If you don't want to tell people because you know they'll lie to you, then don't announce it to all your followers. Don't announce that you don't have anybody to tell this unknown thing to, because everyone will lie about this unknown thing and/or try to stop you - whatever this unknown thing is.
I don't know what you're getting at. I don't know if you're begging for attention and for people to care/worry about you - given that people think you're talking about something harmful to yourself.
If you really don't want people to know (so they won't stop you or lie to you) then what's the point of indirectly actually telling everyone who follows you?

I feel so replaced. You're another one. It really kills me. It's one thing to know and it's another thing for you to tell me yourself. I knew, I just wanted you to tell me. There is a difference and I'm sure you know that?
And this bitch thinks she's so fucking exclusive, privy to your life going ons. Oh, please.
Then again, is that really who I am to you now? Am I no longer that person?
You're expressive with all these other people, telling everyone what a great time you're having with them and whatnot. And you only see me when I ask you out or ask you to ask me out. And no one has to know about it. Even when I put it out there, all you do is 'favourite' it. You wouldn't retweet it or tweet one of your own.
I feel unimportant. You're still as important to me as ever. I feel like I've been fully replaced by your poly 'friends' and I truly have no idea if I'm as important to you as you are to me.
If I am, you're not showing it at all.
Maybe you invited me out, sure, but there does exist a reason to believe you did it out of guilt. And you are very susceptible to feeling guilt.
I don't expect you to talk to me everyday like we did two years ago, or ask me out all the time.
I would just like to know what I mean to you, and I would like it to be as much as it used to be.
I have no idea what happened.
You were not there for me when I really needed you because you were caught up in your own unhappiness.
Now you know how I felt half a year ago, and every day I wish you didn't ever have to find out for yourself.
I never wanted you to know how that felt, I just wanted you to be able to imagine how it felt and how much I needed a friend.
It's different for you because you have so many friends who are 'there' for you and wanna take you out.
I did not have that. I had none of that. The two people who could've been there for me weren't.
One was too tired whenever I asked and one was absorbed in her own mini crises.
I really needed my friends. I really needed you to be there for me. I even asked but you turned away.
In a way, you don't really know how I felt. Just, maybe, multiply your feelings by about 20 to feel what I felt. Because he still loves you very much. You are both still very much in love. That makes all the difference in the world, even if you don't know that right now.
It was made clear to me that I was not wanted in his life, and I was neither needed nor loved.
I just needed my friends to tell me that they loved me. To tell me that they cared. To try to take my mind off of it.
Though, of course, you wouldn't know that. Nah. I don't like to tell my friends how much I really care/worry for them or love them. It gives them too much power.
The worst part is that I cannot be there for you because I feel like you do not want me. Your poly friends suffice. And you love it. You love them. You don't need me.
I don't know what happened. I'm not sure.
It's okay... I guess I'll leave you be. You're at a difficult time, and your poly friends are more than enough.
They take you out, they try to comfort you and all... I want what's best for you and if that's not me, I guess I'll back off for now.

I'll be right here. Just say the word.

I love you both so much. And I don't think either of you know how weighted that sentence is.
I don't really have any other friends. Both of you have your set of friends that you see really often, the ones from poly. The ones who hang out with you outside of school and all. (:
It's pathetic, really, how all I have is you.
So I feel the slightest distance.
And it hurts like a splinter in my heart.

Hahhahahaa. I'm so goddamned pathetic. Shoot me.

I'm hanging by a thread|11:12 PM|

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"I turn my head to the east
I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west
Still nobody in sight."

I'm hanging by a thread|8:30 AM|

Friday, March 08, 2013

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What the fuck? You know we were waiting and you decided to have cake when you said you're on the way?! The world doesn't revolve around you.

I'm hanging by a thread|11:08 PM|

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

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You weren't this bad before, now you are. What's it gonna be like in a few years' time?
If you can slam and punch and kick things now, until there's a hole in the wall, because of GAMES then what are you gonna be like in a few years?
If you react so badly when people ask you about the hole in the wall, and you don't want to own up to it no matter how obvious it is that it was you, and then slam MORE things out of anger, what's gonna be damaged in a few years' time?
Please control/manage your temper. I don't want you to be like your father. And I'm sure you'd swim the seven seas if it would prevent that.
You're scaring me. You used to be my security blanket but now I'm afraid.

I'm hanging by a thread|8:43 AM|

Monday, March 04, 2013

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You swore you wouldn't want to become your father.

You're becoming more and more like him. It's scaring the living daylight out of me.
Increasingly rough and aggressive.
Increasingly snappy and stubborn.
Increasingly spiteful and selfish.
Increasingly violent... And that's what's scaring me the most.

I can't handle violence. Please manage your anger. Please.

You've been punching things and one day we come home and there's a hole in the wall? Why? Cos the wifi dropped?

I know you have some adversity in your life, as do all of us, but please handle it more... Healthily.

What more, when your mother reprimanded you about such destructive behaviour, you get angry all over again like it wasn't your fault there's a hole in the wall. And then you slam your door and shake the entire house.

The worst part is that all of us are too afraid to talk to you about it because we know you'll blow up and nothing will be resolved.

I don't know what to do.
Please don't become like your father.
Please don't become violent and overly aggressive... Well, not anymore than you are.

I'm hanging by a thread|8:11 PM|

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Whatever, man.

I'm hanging by a thread|3:53 PM|

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They have no idea.
I want it that way.
Though sometimes it would be nice if they think about whether I feel miserable.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:45 PM|

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It's a disease. It's fucking contagious. That's why I always thought I was the cause. Now I realise that it's everywhere. None but the strong willed are spared.
I hate it. I hate it so much. It also dilutes the seriousness of real cases.
Everyone is becoming sadder and at younger ages. The world should've ended. Humanity is spiralling downwards.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:28 PM|

Sunday, March 03, 2013

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You can get heart palpitations due to anxiety.

That explains a lot.

Except for what is causing my sharp chest/heart pains.

Hmm.

I'm hanging by a thread|11:21 PM|

Saturday, March 02, 2013

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Too fucking uncool for everyone.

Everyone has time to go out with their poly friends and old secondary school friends but when I ask them out, they're always busy.

They can force themselves to go out to 'be there for' someone who doesn't know jack shit about their life but always 'too tired' to go out with me when I'm fucking depressed as shit.

Is this what it is? These are my friends.
Fabulous.
This is why I feel like I have no friends ever so often.

I'm just too uncool for them all. I'm only a considered a close friend when there's no one else, when it's convenient or when they need something.
Or when they feel guilty.

Laughs.

I'm hanging by a thread|1:02 AM|