As I Say My Goodbyes

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

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I need coffee and cigarettes.

I'm hanging by a thread|1:20 AM|

Monday, September 26, 2011

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I'm coughing my lungs out, I'm crying my eyes out.

I'm hanging by a thread|12:51 AM|

Saturday, September 24, 2011

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So I've had this recent belief that I am the cause of many people's problems. When J and I got pretty close (we were on the phone almost everyday), she started feeling negative emotions a lot more and she just had pessimistic views on everything. I guess this could have been the influence of my own emotions since she was with me through my break-up. Then again, I didn't talk too much about it with her. She was excellent because she never made me talk about it. She took my mind off it by talking to me about other things.

Since it was the holidays (between O's and whatever further education), I'd gotten much closer to C as we had a lot of time to spend. We met up frequently and could talk for hours on end (which we still do, just not frequently). I had told her that every time I share my crazy feelings with someone, they end up with shit on their plate. One day after I'd told her this (and she promised that whatever I tell her wouldn't change a thing), the fucked up shit with A happened and I couldn't feel anything but responsible. I know it wasn't directly related but I couldn't help feeling like it's me. I guess it could sound pretty self-centred but I feel like whoever gets close to me will be the next person to experience a brand new kind of problem.

With recent happenings, I can't help but feel the same way.

I'm sorry. I'm like a virus. Wherever I go, I bring some form of emotional destruction or unease and I don't know how to change this.

I must be a horrid girl to still want to be close to people, knowing that all I seem to bring is misery and misfortune.

I'm thankful to have started blogging again. Sort of. A part of me doesn't want to get better because I'm incredibly comfortable in my suicidal state of mind but I know that there are people who love me (mostly family) and I don't want to waste all that they've been through with me. A split mind, you could say. Blogging is like an outlet, seeing as letting out all this on Twitter just makes tweeters feel like shit too.

Depression (most usually suicidal thoughts) is a contagion.

All I can say is that I'm very sorry.

Nobody can live alone. No matter how 'independent' people say they are or they wanna be, it can never happen. There's always somebody whom you'll need. No one can go without anyone else unless you live in a fucking cave and live on nature.

Nevertheless, I am truly thankful for the people whose lives I feel I've indirectly fucked up. Cos the few I really care about are still around and they'll forever be in my heart.

As for my most recent unintentional victim, I hope he sticks around because I love him more than I've loved anyone else outside my family and he makes me feel the way I never thought I'd need someone to make me feel.

I'm hanging by a thread|1:29 AM|

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

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Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

I'm hanging by a thread|11:25 PM|

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I'm on Tumblr instead of studying for my upcoming exams.

I found this and I felt like I needed to share it:

"unfortunately we live in a world where it is okay to wish ill will on a human being for making a personal choice. her personal choice is ~SO RADICAL~, because her choice defies a patriarchal society that applies unfair standards of beauty to women (including but not limited to: shaving most of the body, wearing make-up, being skinny, looking youthful, etc, etc). society puts an incredible amount of weight on a woman’s appearance, whereas men are not judged harshly for what they look like. women are not society’s property, we do not need to look how you want us to look. everyone should have the freedom to make personal choices about their appearance, personal choices about ANYTHING, and not garner hateful comments wishing violence upon them. live and let live."

I'm hanging by a thread|3:13 PM|

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I realise that whenever I eat, I feel guilty. I feel like I've failed, somehow. However much I feel like a failure when I eat, I still eat a hell of a lot of junk food. Like raindrops falling from the sky; I can't stop it. Self-discipline is just that little bit beyond reach. I had a moist chocolate cake for dessert after dinner today. That was after a carb-filled prawn penne dish (with cheese and mushrooms). Not to mention that I had deep-fried potatoes (not fries, they were almost like yams), yellow rice (carbs) and slices of an omelette (with mushrooms, salty too) for lunch. I also had a dark mocha frappucino in the afternoon, between lunch and dinner.

I have atrocious eating habits. What makes it worse is that I have an aversion to green veggies. The only veggies I eat are lame things like potatoes and corn... and the occasional carrots & peas (in things like fried rice and shepherd's pie). Perhaps some white cabbage in chicken soup every once in a while but that's it. Lest I become much fatter, I exercise and have actually started thinking about what I'm putting into my system.

Once again, where's my motivation? I have no drive to get off my ass and go for a good 3KM walk. I study merely for the sake of studying (what a society in which we dwell).

My mother used to tell me that the lowest-hanging fruit are the easiest to pick (metaphorically, though literally true as well) but I feel like the tree I'm climbing is bare.

I had an appointment with my psychologist today. Something we did today helped me to realise that it's going to be a long and hard road to recovery. No, I'm not fucking mental. I just saw it for myself, today, that it is going to be tougher once it's down to the wire (perhaps even before that).

I've been kind of glazing through my years of therapy, just going with the flow and taking it easy. It's not helpful that I will only have two more sessions with my current psychologist, she having been moved to another unit. After which, I'd most probably have to find a private psych.

It's funny how it's in the last few sessions that my psych seemed to get serious. Maybe she had been taking her time to get to 'know' me. The thought of having to go through all of the same old shit with a new psych makes me feel tired, mentally.

I've been through about four therapists in my lifetime (excluding my school counselor who was absolutely useless, I didn't trust her anyway). Well, my lifetime being the last 4 to 5 years? It's been a long-drawn struggle and I've had ups and downs, ins and outs like a fucking electrocardiogram. None of the 'ups' were high enough to relieve me from my depression, though. It's like a demon that holds me down. I can't say that I definitely want to get away, because I've grown comfortable being the way I am. I have grown comfortable hating myself, I have grown comfortable with all my 'core beliefs' about myself. Unhappiness is my comfort zone. I also believe that if I were to be rid of my depression, I'd return to the horrid person I once was. I can't stand the thought.

Maybe all that is part of what I need to work on. I hope I'm sorted out soon enough.

To be honest, I can't say that it's just been me all along. There have been many recent (or not) events that have led to my decline. Of course, some people/situations having a greater effect than others. Some certain things even drove me back into the deepest of my depressions.

Do you know what it feels like being completely alone? I'm truly, truly sorry to the people closest to me, that they cannot make me feel much less lonely. I'm kind of a burden to carry and so very often do I consciously think that everyone is better off without me.

Overall, I guess I'm always sorry for the way I feel. Cos anyone who loves me wouldn't want me to feel this way.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:18 AM|

Monday, September 19, 2011

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It's 2:30 in the morning and I'm still on the Internet. The Internet is addictive, I swear. It's difficult to close everything and shut down my laptop because there is just so much to do!

No, actually. I do get pretty bored. Generally, life is boring (with the exception of a few things). The mundane activities of everyday life serve no mental or emotional entertainment to me and I have no goals but to do well for my upcoming exams. These exams for which I am not exactly worried. It's something about me, how I just cannot stress out because of exams. Or because of schoolwork per se, for that matter. Where's my motivation? I have merely 2 reasons to do 'well': So as to not waste the 10 grand my mother is putting into my Foundation course here at JCU, and to prove to myself that I am not as stupid as I tend to think I am.

I've been playing Insaniquarium instead of studying. Guilty. I can't help it! That game is addictive! Oh well. Tomorrow I'll be studying, if even for a little while.

Nothing lasts forever.

I'm choking on my insecurities. I'm bounded by the paranoia that I'll never measure up. I'll never think I'm good enough (nor will I ever be) and I'll never love myself wholly.

The fear, coupled with the knowledge that I'm full of shit, is eating at me. Bit by bit. I'm slowly falling away. I'm waiting for the day you'll give up, get sick and tired of me and walk away. That's all I've ever known so why should this be any different? I feel so guilty for feeling the things I feel because I can honestly say I haven't felt this secure in several years. I can't find any reason on a part other than my own to doubt our future and your love for me.

I will never see or understand why I'm so important and what there is to love. I know that will backfire on me in time to come cos if I can't love myself, who the fuck can stand to love me for long?

I feel so bad that this is what you've to put up with. I wouldn't blame you if you were to just leave one day because I get so annoying being paranoid and self-loathing and whatnot. I'm deeply sorry that it indirectly insults your taste that I think I'm such a fuck-up.

Help me find my way.

No one can make me feel the way you can.

Words can't describe how fucking grateful I am to have found someone like you.

Still, I can't help but feel like you will give up one day. One fine day, you'll tell me I'm too much.

I don't know. I just want to break the pattern I've been having and see where it goes from there.

I can't seem to give my all, however hard I try. Learned behaviour; I've lost everything countless times whenever I'd given all I could. Something inside is stopping me from letting it happen again, so I've a wall built to deny anyone the power to totally break me once more.

Sweet words and a hopeful mind can only go so far.

I've heard it all before and it never lasted to ring true.

I need a little more. I need a little time.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:33 AM|

Friday, September 16, 2011

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When hearts fall from the sky

They shatter as they hit the ground

I know we aren't close anymore. I know that we have very different lives and we have both probably changed a great deal. All the same, I truly care for you and it hurts me to see you the way you are. I don't know how much our friendship means to you but I'm grateful that you still would like to meet up. I hope it's not a social obligation for you. I hope that you actually want to see me and talk to me again.

I don't want to know everything that is happening in your life and how you feel because I'm curious or because I'm a busybody. No. What I would really like to know is how you're holding up. I would like to know so that I can gauge the whole situation and try to help in whatever way I can. If you don't want to tell me everything, that is completely fine as well.

I know I'm not the only person you can/will/may turn to. I know that you have all your bro's to talk to. I know that I may not be able to provide much because I'm not in your life and I don't know so many of the people who are, but I am willing to do whatever I can to help you feel better. I remember how I was practically the only one there for you when you stayed over impromptu and we had the long conversation overnight in my estate's playground. Actually, I'm not sure if I was practically the only one but I know that I was one of few.

I want to be there for you but I can only do that if you allow me to. I can't wait to see you. I miss you and I don't throw "I miss you's" around (unless they were given to me first then it's a social obligation).

I miss you and that's 100% true.

You're a friend I wish had stayed around. It's a pity that we're so far apart these days. I will not stop asking you out every once in a while if only to have a chat and a meal.

Of the whole 'clique' that we used to be, you've been the best friend to me.

The lovely friendship you offered to me did not last as long as I wasn't paranoid or as long as whatever.

I had a best friend. She stopped talking to me because I became paranoid.

I had a really good friend for 2 years and a certain tall, skinny, girl ruined that for me. I think that friend was only my friend because she liked me. Now, she treats me like shit.

I'm digressing.

You're a friend I want to still have in 10 years. 20 years. 30 years, if I live long enough.

I mean it when I say I can't wait to see you, and that I miss you.

I mean it when I say I love you (as a friend, if it has to be clarified).

I hope I can serve as a form of comfort, help, anything to you. Cos I know you're not doing fine in the department of hearts.

I'm hanging by a thread|10:52 PM|

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

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I'm at Coffee Bean at Raffles Hospital. I'm with Marc. We were supposed to be studying but we haven't even started. The foolscap paper and stationery are out but... nothing has been done. Whoops. Typical of me, ey?

We got our exam topics for Geography today (since Tuesdays are Geography days) and it was overwhelming! I thought I was going to die just looking at what we had to study. I was never very good at Geography and this just takes the cake.

Why is Coffee Bean closing so early? It's only 8PM. It doesn't make any sense!

I'm hanging by a thread|7:45 PM|

Monday, September 12, 2011

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Yup, so I'll start blogging again. I don't know why, I guess I just feel like it.

Lately, I've been feeling pretty good. A door has opened and it brought me something wonderful. Something passionate, something comforting, something beautiful. I hope it lasts cos it has made me feel the best I've felt in years. It may be too soon to say so, but what I'm feeling now is all I can count on. I can't help but smile more often and, hey, a couple of years back was when I was remembered for never smiling so this must be something different. This something has reintroduced some form of security for me too ('reintroduced' because I used to be secure, about 7 years ago). I am an extremely insecure person, verging on paranoia. I guess you could say that my heart feels at peace, somewhat, because suicidal thoughts have been visiting less.

I have a reason to live.

Overall, I've been feeling good, it's true. Yet somehow, my body isn't reacting the same way. I've been having terrible aches and pains (no, it's not PMS cos that's over). I sway in and out of feelings of despair, depression, anger, sadness and hyperactivity. I'm tired almost all the time and I have almost no desire to really study (which is bad because this is one hell of an expensive course). My appetite is taking a fall as well. Hardly anything looks appetising to me but I'll try to eat it and never finish. I get hungry but don't want to eat at the same time. My mouth won't agree with my stomach.

I am also trying to cut down on sugars, oil, carbohydrates and deep-fried food in my diet. Yes, I am sacrificing my love for food (despite the fact that my appetite is playing games with me). Why do I do this? For the sake of slimming down. I've gained some weight and I do believe I'm fat, if not on the borderline of becoming fat. I want to be able to wear the clothes I'd love to wear and to be able to walk, stand and sit without straining my muscles to make sure my stomach isn't bulging or my legs don't look too fat. Perhaps it's the social anxiety thing I've got. I can't relax with people around. I have no idea,but I would love to slim down.

Something else I'm trying to start doing is exercising. Great idea, huh? No, not really. I hate exercising. I'm fully aware that this mindset will get me nowhere, but I can't bring myself to believe that exercise is uplifting. I know about all those endorphins and whatnot but I only feel worse after exercising. I don't think that's normal but hell, I'll exercise anyway!

Perhaps, in the long run, it'll aid in my recovery from clinical depression. The main point of all this is to slim down so if that happens, I guess I'll just be that much more satisfied with myself.

Have I mentioned that I've been tearing? I tend to have this sudden urge to cry. My eyes would tear up and I wouldn't even know why. Sometimes at the littlest of things. It's both amusing and weird at the same time.

I haven't played my drums in a while. That's rather depressing. I need to send my guitar in for re-tuning too, cos there's something wrong with the tuning. Even my brother can't tune it right (and he's a fucking pro). I guess I'll bring it to Peninsula during my short holidays. I will definitely spend a lot of my free time during the holidays doing right-brained activities.

I would like to paint, I would like to draw, I would like to screen-print. I would like to practise my drumming once again. I say that I 'would like to' because most often, I have plans for such holidays that I never carry out. It's saddening. Laziness is utter poison.

I guess I've rambled on enough. I'm pretty tired anyway, as usual. I'll try to update this daily, cos I feel like reviving this.

Cheers.

I'm hanging by a thread|8:31 PM|

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Maybe I'll start blogging again. Maybe, just maybe. I might, I might not.
Who reads this anymore anyway, right? LOL. It's a good outlet, since I am trying to keep my negativity and shit off Twitter. Cos everyone there is negative and it's fucking depressing. Not that I blame anyone I follow for ranting there, but I don't want to contribute to the misery that floods our Twitter circles.

I'm hanging by a thread|8:42 AM|