As I Say My Goodbyes

Monday, June 22, 2015

______________________________

"I was feeling insecure you might not love me anymore"

"I began to lose control"

This is the story of my fucking life and I don't even know where to begin to change it.

How do you change something to tightly woven into your fabric?

I'm hanging by a thread|5:04 AM|

Thursday, June 18, 2015

______________________________

All this time I ever thought, 'hey it didn't really affect me. It can't be that bad. It's not a big deal.' And I've realised all these instances damaged me permanently. Or at least seemingly permanently. It's like trauma but Xtra Lite. And I don't know how I'm ever gonna come back from this. It'll never ever sound as bad as it feels, so I just look fucking stupid talking about it like it affected me. All this time I had treated it like just a fact. Just the things that happened, not like stuff that changed my self perception and ultimately helped the change in my entire outlook. I never thought so because I never went through the torture or the nightmares or the literal struggle. I thought it's not bad at all because it could've been ten times worse and that shit happens all the time to others. But I'll be damned.

Save me.

I'm hanging by a thread|10:05 AM|

______________________________

Do you want someone else to hold you?

I'm hanging by a thread|8:47 AM|

Friday, June 05, 2015

______________________________

I was starting to believe you. I thought maybe you were right, and I was worthy of being loved - that I was worthy of love. But even you could not love me. And that's all I needed to see.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:18 AM|

______________________________

Why do people always say super mean things before (or around the time) they break up with someone? Is that like 'finally I can say all this shit to you'? Is that 'finally I can use all my ammo'? Is that like 'I don't need to care about your feelings anymore so let me tell you all that's wrong with you'? Is that like 'I won't need to handle you anymore so I can hurt you with my words'? Is that a freedom of responsibility for their words and how they make the other person feel, just because they're no longer in a relationship?

This cannot be undone. And this has severely damaged a part of me I thought I was healing. Square one, we meet again.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:15 AM|

Thursday, June 04, 2015

______________________________

All the plans I had. I wasted time forming my future to accommodate it. I wasted time researching places and prices. All the things I had bought to keep for when I could finally send stuff over. It makes sense now that he wanted to keep things secret and didn't keep me in his future; he didn't see it happening. There was no faith from the start, and it's clear now. I thought I finally found a good guy. I thought I could finally be happy.

All these years of counselling. If anything, they taught me I will survive and get through it. But it doesn't change the way I'm feeling for now, and how it shapes my feelings about myself. How is it that I continue to trust that someone can love me for me? I'm just not worth that kind of love. I don't deserve it. Everything I touch turns to stone, no doubt.

Fortify. None shall get closer.

I'm hanging by a thread|5:18 PM|