As I Say My Goodbyes

Thursday, May 30, 2013

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I'm glad we broke up. I was just noticing how much my life has improved. Like the stupid saying about a rainbow after a storm. I've been enlightened about many things and I noticed how much better I am now. In several ways. This is good. (: you'll always be that first love I screwed up so badly with but it was worth it. It was meant for me to learn from, and I hope it was the same for you.

I'm hanging by a thread|12:33 PM|

Friday, May 24, 2013

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I'm not even angry. I'm just disappointed.

I'm hanging by a thread|11:20 PM|

Thursday, May 23, 2013

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Screwing shit up since 1993.

I'm hanging by a thread|7:24 PM|

Monday, May 20, 2013

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I can't read you and it's killing me. Sometimes, I can but other times I just have no idea what's going on in your head.
You're sending all these signals and I don't know what to believe.

I'm falling harder as the days go by and I really don't want to. I don't think I've ever wanted to stop liking someone as badly as I do now. Hah! It's ironic, really, considering the context and our situation.

It's also really sweet. The support that I'm getting. And _ had this brilliant line of insight that just truly made my night. And probably my weekend. And perhaps my week. It didn't have anything directly to do with you but it was probably one of the most uplifting things said about me that I've heard in a long, long time. I'll hold on to that. What I'm really hoping for right now is that I can trust the one who wants this to happen.

Whatever it is. It's too soon to tell and too soon to do anything. I'll just try to make my studying override my thoughts of you until at least this weekend. Then we'll see what happens.

Everything is moving so fast, suddenly. Cos they're in the know. I'm gonna slow it down for myself, it gives me time to think... though I can't un-feel everything I felt, I can't un-tell everything I've told. I can merely stop right now. Like nothing ever happened, until then.

We'll see. (:

I'm hanging by a thread|10:52 PM|

Sunday, May 19, 2013

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This is kind of an FML-YDI situation...

I'm hanging by a thread|5:07 PM|

Friday, May 17, 2013

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I'm just gonna wait and see how long this lasts.
Cos, obviously, anything from my side is just gonna annoy you, right?
So if you can go on like this, until it's been too long then I will know.
And so it shall be.
I'm ready to face that.

Like I said.
It was your choice.
You're calling the shots, now.
I'm tired of trying.
I thought we just got closer. I thought I knew the value of our friendship to you.
I was so wrong.

It's not easy for me, at all, but I'm tired of being the one to try to fix things.
Why not you see what's happening and come fix it, yeah?
I'm sick of dying to keep some people in my life who keep making me feel like I'm not wanted.
What's the point? It's like tying myself to the eternal-feelings-of-uselessness-and-being-unloved pole.
I need to get out of this rut soon... before I start working.
Cos if not, I can't get my target clients.
Since it's unethical to treat the same problems you yourself have. Apparently.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:10 AM|

Thursday, May 16, 2013

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Intermittent, recurrent wish to save.

I'm hanging by a thread|12:03 AM|

Monday, May 13, 2013

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I read that Angus T. Jones from Two and a Half Men might be replaced by Miley Cyrus for season 11, which it's been renewed for.
Jones plays Jake Harper, the 'half man'. If he leaves, there will only be Jon Cryer to represent the original 'men'.

I don't even like Miley Cyrus. She's OK in small doses, like the couple of episodes she starred in but I don't think I can handle watching her every week.
Sure, she spiked up the viewership to the highest in the whole season when she appeared but that's because her fans heard she'll be guest starring so they tuned in to watch but different shows bring in different audiences.
Just like how the fans of Hannah Montana probably don't overlap very much with the fans of Supernatural - or Two and a Half Men.

I doubt the loyal viewers of Two and a Half Men will be very pleased with Miley coming in and being some 'half woman' of the show. It was bad enough that Charlie Sheen was replaced by Ashton Kutcher, but at least the meaning of 'two and a half men' did not quite change since Ashton is a man...

If Miley replaces Jones, we'll have two men and a woman. Not even half because the show has gone on so long that the 'half man' is actually kind of a man, now. And Miley is a woman.
It doesn't make sense.

They should've stopped when Charlie Sheen left. Even Jones called the show 'filth' and had wanted to leave for season 10.

I also doubt that the bulk of Miley Cyrus fans who tuned in for those few episodes would like to follow the series for the sake of watching her.

Plus, the way she talks annoys the shit out of me but that's a personal thing. It's not just her accent, it's everything.

I don't know. It would've made more sense if one of the men got married to someone with a young son hence introducing a new 'half man' while Jake's character is written off.

Kudos to Jon Cryer. He may not be the one raking in the following but he has held everyone up throughout the series. I wonder how he feels about the show and the increasing change in actors.

Whatever it is, I hope they sort their shit out without putting Miley in. And anyway, fans must've been excited to see her because prior to that, she hadn't been anywhere recently.

I'm hanging by a thread|3:15 AM|

Thursday, May 09, 2013

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I kept waiting on a reason
And a call that never came
No, I never saw it coming
Something in you must have changed

All the words unspoken, promises broken
I cried for so long
Wasted too much time, should've seen the signs
Now I know just what went wrong

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now, I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

All the nights we spent, just talking
Of the things we wanted out of life
Making plans and dreams together
Wish I'd seen, I was just too blind

My heart was open, exposed and hoping
For you to lay it on the line
In the end it seemed
There was no room for me
Still, I tried to change your mind

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now, I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

Ohhh, I don't need you
I don't need you anymore

I guess I wanted you more
And looking back now, I'm sure
I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

I don't need you
I don't need you anymore

I'm hanging by a thread|10:39 PM|

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

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Apple should create a thing for iTunes where it compares your connected device to your library and tells you what media is not on your device that's in your library and vice versa.

I NEED THAT.

/confusion

/update

/repeat

/missing

I seriously need to just sit down one morning with my Alienware and Lenovo side by side so I can finally transfer all my songs over and make sure I have everything. Right, and all my CDs, too...
And then I'll connect my iPod 5 to my Alienware and put all the music in.
Right now it's so confusing. I have songs in my iPod from my Lenovo days that I don't have in my Alienware and I don't know how much I have in my Alienware that isn't in my iPod.

AHH.

I'm hanging by a thread|8:45 PM|

Monday, May 06, 2013

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FUCK YOU LA. FUCK. STFU.

I'm hanging by a thread|8:30 PM|

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"I may have made it rain, please forgive me. My weakness caused you pain, and this song's my sorry."

I'm hanging by a thread|6:14 PM|

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When it all goes to shit in time to come, just remember that you made that choice.
You made the choice to risk it all, thinking about yourself and only yourself.

I'm ready.
I don't need people who don't need me.
If it's so easy for you, so be it.

I'll always remember how I was the one to make you feel better. How I was the one who knew what no one else knew. How I was the one who understood most.

If you remember that and you wonder what happened, remember this period of time. Remember what you chose to do and remember that you made it happen.

I tried. I really did. Brick wall after brick wall after brick wall. There's a limit, isn't there?

If you need me, I'll be here. But I'm not waiting for you, I'm not missing you.

This time, I can truly say I did nothing wrong. I'm free of the burden of guilt or fault.
You chose this.
Whatever happens, it's on you, my friend.

Thanks for everything you've contributed to my life.
And honestly, I hope there's more to come.
But for now, I'm not thinking of you.
For now, I don't need you. Cos you don't need me.

It gets tiring to keep getting the short end of every stick. So do what you want, just don't wonder what happened in a few years cos you know damn well what happened.

I'm hanging by a thread|4:06 AM|

Friday, May 03, 2013

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There's no respect.
Don't expect utmost respect when you don't respect us.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:07 PM|

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Shatter me now.
Shatter me with hope.

I'm hanging by a thread|1:52 PM|

Thursday, May 02, 2013

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Now Susy is scolding me cos I wanna wait to get my allowance to see a doctor. She wants to lend me money first. Nooooooo. I don't think it's that serious. At most I'll get rheumatic fever and die.

I'm hanging by a thread|8:29 AM|

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I really need to see a doctor but I'm broke.
I'm not that broke but seeing a doctor would leave me with 20 ish bucks
Also cos I'm such a fucker and refuse to go to polyclinics.
I can't ask my mum or Hon to bring me or borrow mum's credit card cos I don't want them to know. Mum doesn't think it's serious and Hon doesn't know.
I think it's getting worse.
Plus, I don't want mum to know what it is until I do. I'm not sure but so many of the possibilities are ones I would prefer mum not to know.
If I see a GP on my own, mum would only know if I decide to tell her what might be wrong with me. If she knows I'm seeing a doctor, she'll have to know if it's serious or at least what it is right?
Guess ill wait it out.
I'll be in pain until I get my allowance for May. Which should be soon... Hopefully. Maybe I'll drop by Raffles Hospital. Idk I like that place and the doctor just down the road from my house is hostile. /bedsidemannersfail
OMG BUT WOULD MUM KNOW IF I GO TO RH?! Since she gets her company discount or something.
Damn it.
Predicament.
I don't really want to go to cure it as much as I want to just know what is happening.
I just want to know. Then everything will fall in line from there.
The part that bothers me is that I don't know.
Every time this kind of thing almost happens (since I 'never' get sick), I hope it's cancer.
Call me selfish for wanting to die, if you want. Wevs.

I'm hanging by a thread|5:36 AM|

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"However, the research also suggested (Wallerstein & Blakeslee, 1989) that experience of their parents' divorce may lead some children to be more sensitive to problems in relationships, and to make a greater commitment to solving them."

And people leave me for that very reason. People like to pretend there's no problem or wait for it to go away. Or wait until it's bad enough so they feel they have a 'good' reason to walk away.
Plus I have an anxious-ambivalent attachment style - not healthy. ):
THOUGH RESEARCH DOES SUGGEST that I can have a healthy relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style.

: >

I'm hanging by a thread|3:14 AM|