Thursday, February 28, 2013
______________________________
It's like 2007 all over again.
I thought I was okay now. That it wouldn't affect me so much if it happened but I'm freaking out.
I'm hanging by a thread|11:21 AM|
______________________________
Are my friends really my friends?
If they are, then why do I feel so afraid that they don't love me like they did before?
I'm hanging by a thread|1:48 AM|
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
______________________________
I'm not doing well.
Now, in different aspects from a few months ago but is there really a difference if I'm still struggling to find a reason to live?
I've got something going for me, though. I have something new.
Guy friends.
They're not very close. And I feel like I'm merely filling a spot like an understudy. But they're the most fun I've had in quite a while so I'll take what I can get and damn, I'm having a good time. They are great people. I feel a certain kind of comfort that's incredibly rare for me.
Unfortunately, there are the other 6 days in a week that I'm left with myself and the demons I've come to know. Well, 7 days and 5 nights. Lol.
I guess I'll survive. There's nothing else to do.
My super mega anxiety problem is back. At least I know the specific cause nowadays. It explains a lot. It doesn't help that fact that it happens but at least I know when I can expect it to stop.
Isn't that fun? To be unrelaxed day in and day out and then BAM a whole other thing happens when the anxiety levels go through the roof. Hah. The Internet described it as 'extreme stress and anxiety'. Ah, well.
I don't do well under stress. I really don't. I do stupid things and I don't think clearly. I guess I'll wait for this particular storm to pass and see how I feel then.
Right now, I'm swinging between 'fuck it la' and trying to deal with my feelings.
So many questions. Answers to none.
C'est la vie. Il n'y a rien que nous pouvons faire.
I'm hanging by a thread|4:27 AM|
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
______________________________
Uh you're welcome?!
I'm hanging by a thread|9:22 PM|
Saturday, February 16, 2013
______________________________
I thought going with the guys was gonna be weird cos our mutual friend is in Australia for good and the mutual female friends backed out and I was bringing my own friend.
And when we met up they had like 4 other guys in tow.
I couldn't have asked for more, in the end. I had a great time. The best.
They were willing to pay for any drinks the coupons wouldn't get them or after coupons were used.
They drank a lot.
They drink what I drink. /sweet
My friend felt completely comfortable with them even though she didn't drink or smoke or know any of them before last night.
They're fucking fun. Just so fun.
Especially the last hour or so. Right there. That was what happiness is.
We all had so much fun. We all wanna do it again.
A good level of high.
Good music.
Fantastic company.
I was expecting the worst and I got the best. I'm gonna try not to be anxious about the next round being bad since I'm expecting it to be as great. Cos the universe does that to me. Haha!
I'll deal with that later. I had such a good time that I actually woke up happy.
I woke up with some energy (only 6hrs of sleep) and I was just... Happy.
Or maybe my definition of 'happy' has changed. Now it's just the feeling of not being unhappy. Haha.
It's alright.
I'm happy for now.
I'm gonna bask in it.
I'm hanging by a thread|4:15 PM|
Monday, February 11, 2013
______________________________
That one quality that I find incredibly attractive.
It is extremely rare, at least in my circles.
That's why. That's why.
Well, not just that one.
There are a few other very rare ones, but they're not as rare as this.
That's why. That's why.
I'm hanging by a thread|11:40 PM|
Friday, February 08, 2013
______________________________
Something changed.
Something shifted in my universe and everything took a turn for the worse.
I feel like I've been forsaken by The Lord.
I used to be able to trust that things will turn out just fine, and they would.
Now, I try to believe they will but things keep turning out to be the worst that they can. What am I supposed to do?
Am I to continue to turn to the one being whom I feel has his back turned?
I know He will never leave but nothing has been going right. Nothing.
I don't fucking need this. I really don't. Please stop it all. Please make things better.
I'm hanging by a thread|11:18 AM|
______________________________
Got back together with the ex, wanted to get back together with the ex, and compared me to the ex the whole time.
FUCKING EXES. Is my life some battle against all my partners' exes? Lol.
I wanna be that ex one day. The one they wanna be with again, the one they compare the new one to (and she can't measure up).
Well, I would want that a lot except I wouldn't wish such hurt and self-esteem killing on anyone.
I've known it threefold and more (with friends etc) and it's like hell on earth without even including everything else that might be going on.
Just a pattern I've noticed. Noticing patterns will be the death of me.
Then again, I'm always right with these gut feelings about people fucking me over.
Is that actually a good or a bad thing?
Subjective. Contextual.
I'm hanging by a thread|10:32 AM|
