Wednesday, October 31, 2012
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I just really need a good friend right now.
I'm screaming but they're too busy with their own stuff to hear me. It's not like I do this often. I think this is the first time I actually said I needed them for emotional support. But nope, no biggie cos their own unhappiness and whatever else will ALWAYS be more important than mine, even when I'm desperate.
I think this is the main reason I still bother going to therapy other than the obvious help-my-big-issues reason. It's cos my therapist actually focuses on me (and doesn't give me advice that's been posted 999 times all over every social networking site... And it's realistic).
I'm hanging by a thread|7:42 PM|
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Sometimes, I really wonder what I'm worth to my 'friends'.
I mean, it's fine if you don't do anything about my spiralling into darkness if I don't say anything cos I can't expect you to know.
But I actually said I needed you and the next thing you could say was just that you weren't happy recently, and still made no effort to make plans. I had to be the one to make the plan.
Call me cruel for thinking my friends are self centred but I'm just being honest. I don't always go to them with my bad feelings, this time I tried and they could only look at themselves.
I'm hanging by a thread|7:38 PM|
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
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"I'll always be here for you"
But you're not! None of you are!
I'm hanging by a thread|3:31 PM|
Monday, October 29, 2012
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Is it cruel for me to think my friends are really self-centred?
These have been the toughest few months in a long time for me, and they're still caught up in their own lives like nothing really changed for me. They're still thinking of themselves.
Every time they go through something or aren't happy, my world of troubles are put on hold so I can pay attention and tend to my friends. I put my own problems aside, they don't need to hear about my crap when they have their own to handle.
But when I really need them, when I need to be the one held, where are they?
Just because I don't tweet all my self-loathing thoughts of worthlessness doesn't mean I don't feel as such.
For the first time, I decided to try to reach out to my friends for help. I decided to finally actually tell them I need them or let them know I'm in dire condition. I thought maybe I'd trust in them to be there for me when I need emotional support, since I find it so difficult to trust people and I've been told to just put my trust in my friends so I can know that I can, in fact, trust them.
Is it wrong if I say that I learned I can't trust them yet?
I was devastated about failing my TPT and when I told her my retest is at the end of December, the first thing she could do was be upset that hers would be even later. Well, thanks for consoling me.
It sounds really bad to me, but the truth is that when I'm feeling really down and I look to someone for help, I really don't need them to tell me how unhappy they are (too). It would be nice for the focus to be on me and my unhappiness for a while. I've stopped telling everyone how incredibly unhappy I am and I don't like to tell my friends how miserable I am because I let them just think of and talk about themselves.
But when I finally open up and admit that I need their company to up my spirits, they still think of themselves first.
I'm not saying I'm the perfect friend in need, but when I am the one in need, I would like my friends to be there like I believe I've been for them.
"A friend in need is a friend indeed."
Where are my friends when I finally admit that I'm in need?
I've been that friend as much as I could, now I'm the one in need.
And my friends, they focus on their own problems first.
I guess they just don't know that this is minimal reaching out, and to actually reach out for 'help', I have to be at fucking rock bottom.
I guess they just don't know... And I guess I can't expect them to.
I'll just lay here at the bottom of my well while they're up there hearing my calls for help but worrying first about their problems above ground.
This sounds fucking bitchy but I just had to let it out. I don't always feel this way, I am fine focusing on them and their issues most of the time.
It's just that this time I would like to be the one addressed cos I'm really at my wit's end, and it's the first time I'm truly reaching out and trying to tell them I need them to be there for me.
They won't even have to hear everything. I'd probably end up sharing only a hundredth of the shit that goes on in my hurting soul, but their company will help me to feel better. Just hanging out.
I'm reminded, yet again, why I just can't trust in people.
I'm hanging by a thread|11:00 PM|
Monday, October 22, 2012
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The best several days of my life ended with a bang and now I'm back to square one. Congratulations. I'm gonna have to go through this all over again, but sober. Oh, joy.
I'm hanging by a thread|2:08 PM|
Sunday, October 21, 2012
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My heart breaks for you.
I'm hanging by a thread|12:57 AM|
Monday, October 08, 2012
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Everyday of every week that passes, it doesn't stop.
Back and forth and back and forth.
I don't know what to believe, and I don't know what to expect.
I don't know how long I can do this for.
I feel like I can't do it anymore,
Yet at the same time, I know I'm not quitting.
I need to quit.
I'm hanging by a thread|12:49 AM|
