Ahh. I see people happy, I see people sad. But these are all just basic emotions. Shallow feelings. What lies deeper is way more complicated, and more sensitive.
I don't want to see you because you will lower my already-almost-non-existent self esteem just by being you. I can't really blame you since that's just who you are. Just doing the best for yourself. Congratulations. Smart. Skilled. Talented. Loved. And we're both the same age. Who's prettier. Who's 'more polite'. They all like you oh so much more. So they shower you with so much love. Especially since they see you less often than they do me. In comparison, I might as well just walk away. Cos you've got all the looks the talent the GRADES. However, I really don't know what you're like now. Who might you be? Such a happy child. What I hate most is that I'll have to reveal my failures. Isn't it so natural to ask, "How's school? How're your studies?" What kind of answer is, "Well, I'm failing everything except English and I'm on the brink of retaining." Spoiler. I have to mug. For the chalet's sake. I want it so bad.
How do I hide these scars. I mean, no one wears long sleeves to a beach. -_- I hate this. 1) I HATE THE SUN. Almost everyone who has ever hung out with me would know that. 2) I'm not fond of beaches. I don't mind running around for 'fun's' sake but... 3) Stupid inferiority complex cos you're that much better than me in a billion and one ways. And I'll come home to a nagging about why I'm not like you.
I guess I shouldn't say so much now. Cos I practically barely know you. I don't know what I'm gonna do with you.
I need assurance that you won't look down on me. Cos if you do then I'd just be the biggest failure in the family. Thanks thanks. Wait, I already am.
Screwing up my life. Bit by bit. With every step I take forward, I'm pushed two steps back. Why?
I read all the letters I had put in the box in my drawer. From my old maids' letters to the ones Jake writes. Gosh. So different... Ambra's letters. Brought back so many memories. Not cos of what she wrote but how she wrote it. The pens she used and the colours and the way she wrote. Made me miss my P6 friendships and all. And then Sec1, Jolene... Sec2... Sec3 I think I got the most letters. From Zena all the way to Jake. The random ones, the meaningful ones, the funny ones. I read the seniors' letters twice each, I don't know why. How I broke my promise. It was to never give up on God or myself. I'd given up on myself. And it's really hard to regain that. How I'm just not pure and innocent anymore. Then I felt so sorry. And I saw something else in that drawer that just concluded the non-innocence. Turkeys that are cold are not very pleasant. And I wonder if everything said still remains... Most nostalgic letters were all the ones from P6 and the ones from the Seniors this year. The most painful ones from Sec1... *The most painful one Damn.
It was so random. The letter-reading. I opened the drawer to take a photograph of something. And saw the box. I opened the box and just looked at all of it. =(
End of the world.
I'm hanging by a thread|11:50 PM|
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Ah. LJ is a bitch right about now. Technology isn't all that reliable after all. I'm supposed to be seriously rushing off for Cat class now but... I couldn't be bothered. Though everyone is rushing me off. :/ I guess I have to go. Tsk. Well, bye. I hate this. I'll be aloneeeee.
I'm hanging by a thread|3:15 PM|
Sunday, September 21, 2008
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Confessions Of A Broken Heart - Lindsay Lohan
I don't like Lindsay. But this is one hell of a video...
Reminds me of so much. Back then; it was like World War III
I'm hanging by a thread|11:10 PM|
Saturday, September 20, 2008
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The world is cold and so alone. We've got no place to call our own. Bled all I had, wouldn't like to bleed again. Despair has a hold of us, another day to fade away. I feel like I fall deeper and deeper into the sea of sin.
When you seal my fate, love turns to hate. When you give me a smile, something inside of me dies. You're killing me.
I am weaker day by day. Nothing can heal my wounds. Alone, I hear the pain inside. No one to hear my cries. The screams of agony.
I kissed my mortal life goodbye. I let my blood drain down. I fell down to the stream of eternity.
Among the cold and wind. Her cold and frozen being. Among the cold and wind. Through the glacier alone. We are awakened from our sleep. We gaze the pale grey sky.
It's all pain and it's all tears. It's all chaos and it's all fears.
When I look back upon my life. It's always with a sense of shame. I've always been the one to blame. For everything I long to do, No matter where or when or who, Has one thing in common too, It's a sin. Everything I've ever done. Everything I ever do. Every place I've ever been. Everywhere I'm going to, It's a sin.
Father, forgive me. I tried not to do it. Turned over a new leaf. And then tore right through it.
With a silent whisper you came from the dark. Left me with splinters of my shattered heart.
A painless end to conclude this endless pain.
I'm hanging by a thread|1:35 AM|
Saturday, September 13, 2008
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I lost my love, my life, that night.
Tomorrow, the unknown awakens me from dreaming. Tells me, there's no smile that really has a meaning.
I'm hanging by a thread|12:56 AM|
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
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Caress the one, the never fading Rain in your heart, the tears of snow white sorrow Caress the one, the hiding amaranth In the land of the daybreak.
I'm hanging by a thread|8:33 PM|
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
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Grey as yesterday. The frozen ground keeps sleeping. Everything feels cold, it's my inner fear. Could you save me? Break the chains around my heart. Let me breathe and let me fly. Faces look cruel in the twilight. No smiles for anyone. Darkness has captured my mind. It's eternal autumn.
No place to hide, no place to escape, I've tried. I'm not strong enough to run. I'm heartless. Nothing is what it seems. For the restless, for the anxious and for the hopeless. Quiet conscience sleeps through thunder. I'll be punished later, so they say, but why should I care? Happiness fades away faster than pain. But you fools, you're breathing lies. You're looking for something you cannot get. Your hearts are lost in the vale of hope.
Desperately, you're waiting for a miracle. Who will catch me when I fall? No one's there, I'll fall and fall. I'll die with my sins. And then I'm alone.
A world in white gets underway. Under a blood red sky, a crowd has gathered in black and white. Arms entwined, the chosen few. We can break through, though torn in two. Gold is the reason for the wars we rage. I'm too lost to be saved. I'm guilty alone when something goes wrong. My soul is ruined, can't you see?
I'm dead like a stone. Living dead, as they say. Show me how to live. No... You still can't save me. Can't find a thing I can respect inside me. I don't want to paint life in rosy colours. No turning back.
How sad, it is not what I wanted. A withered rose, a weak soul. And broken bones. Fragments in the middle of the crowd. Do you know the feeling? When peace of mind can never be found?
The threshold of life is too fragile. I'm fragmented and lost. My blood still runs but it feels too cold. Should I give up? Was I born to suffer? Life is ripping my heart out. I've been told, life is the gift. That gift makes me sick. I feel nothing, I'm totally numb. You are too much for me to lose. My blood still runs just because of you. You're the rain in my withered heart. The last breath of life. It seems like ages when I really try.
I embrace the pain and walk through the rain. After all I still believe in life and blood relation. I know I'm drained of both. Now it's all the same to me. I'm safe in isolation. You left me with splinters of my shattered heart. Haunt me everyday. A never healing wound. And nothing left to say.
I die a little everyday. I die a little anyway.
My hollow inside, my hollow heart.
My restless soul is longing to depart. Come surround me with your grace, wash away my deep disgrace.
I'm hanging by a thread|6:56 PM|
Sunday, September 07, 2008
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Collide by Howie Day reminds me of my Aunt SO much. Somehow. I don't know how. Yellowcard reminds me of Shanthini SO much. I'm Yours reminds me of Veronica.
Ahhhh. I've forgotten how much I LOVE the song; Collide.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Crap. That seems to be all I can say now: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
I can't pick up the pieces. I feel so broken up. And I give up.
Even the best fall down sometimes. Even the wrong words seem to rhyme. Out of the doubt that fills my mind. I somehow find, you and I collide. Even the stars refuse to shine. Out of the back you fall in time. I lost my place. I finally find, you and I collide.
Ahhhhhh. Is that all I can say. -_-
It hurt when you walked out that door. And it hurts more to see your health just fly out the window. I thought I'd never be able to forgive you for just walking out on all of us, but now I'm older I can understand why. I wish I could've walked right out that door with you. Never turned back. But I know, had I done that, we'd both be suffering. I do hope and pray you can get back up on your feet, recover as well can be... There's a need to tell someone. We know you think you can handle this on your own but what if you'd really gone down? We wouldn't have known. Now I curse and swear because we were all that close to losing you. Cos we'd have no idea. You don't have to go through this on your own. I used to resent that you never came home after work again. I used to hate you for coming home for dinner at midnight. I used to hate it that there was no peace. 3 years old isn't too young for hatred. I hated that there were rackets every night for 4 years straight. But I hated it more when there was peace cos there was an absence of you. But I resented you for it. I used to blame you for walking out like we had nothing to do with you anymore. I was so young but I did understand. I understood that you'd never be coming back. I understood that I'd never see that black briefcase or that red alarm clock in the middle of the living room again, right next to your sleeping bag. After a while I missed that sight. I missed seeing you sleeping in the living room cozy in your sleeping bag before I went to school. Some mornings I'd remember when you didn't have a need for the sleeping bag, when you could sleep in the bed. When things hadn't turned so sour. You both ruined our childhoods but I guess we're done blaming ya'll. I think, she could've told me the same thing and I'd feel nothing. Yet when you told me, my heart crashed like a plane off course. I suddenly felt so lucky you were standing straight and prevailing. Had it not been ordered to see you on these days, I don't know what I'd be like. I'd be different. I'd think differently. What happened between you and her. Must've caused some kind of break down? Yet you're still brave and alive. So alive. She may not care but I can still see that you do. You've clearly learned and now you're getting nothing in return for your favours. You've done so much and we all know you'll go to heaven, whenever the time comes. Be it sooner... Or later. I'm so amazed at how you've survived the war that is your life. It seems all odds are against you but at least you know I love you. I've said it before. I said it exceptionally meaningfully today. I just had to. Yet I've never meant it when I said it to her despite having lived with her since the day I was born. I somehow figure that had you stayed and had there been peace, I'd hate you too. So much hatred in my life. If I ever lose you I don't know what I'd do. I've been broken down so many times. I'm merely a morsel of flesh dying in a crack in a pavement. I have no reason. I have no future. How can I still say "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me"? I don't know. Somehow I believe it. I believe it yet I can feel so distraught. Why? My life was filled with this misery since I can remember. You fought so early. Surely you can remember every nook and cranny of the hospital. Late night rows keeping the darlings awake and unable to sleep tight and sound to wake up early and happy the next morning. Fear instilled in them so young. Unpredictable outbursts of violence. What a world we lived in, we thought it was so normal. We thought that was just how it was. But we opened our eyes and we realised it wasn't the way it's supposed to be. Our way of life was different.
I should just die. No.
Ahhh. God help me.
I'm hanging by a thread|11:38 PM|
Saturday, September 06, 2008
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I fell down to the stream of eternity. Finished my life but everything goes on. I kissed mortal life goodbye. I let my blood drain down. Better dead without you than living without you. Nothing can heal this loveless soul if you don't follow me. Drowned in lies with despise. Bitterness is no surprise. I lost my future lost my hope. Day by day, I try to cope. Emptiness spreads from within. The walls are coming in. Just ignore me, I don't care. If I die, I am prepared. In years of hate, I lost my everything. The only way is down. In tears of rage, I drown my every sin. Empty walls keep staring back. Best friends that I ever had. To hell with all your sympathy. It's all the same to me. Can't find a reason you should respect in me. You're happy when you get me on my knees. Hate me, hurt me, kill me. Do whatever you want, why should I care? The darkness whispers death. Shadows gain upon me. Running out of breath. Can't control fear. Feels like someone's watching. Hiding in the dark. Silent echoes screaming. Paralyze my heart. Nothing can save this heartless soul. This guilt-ridden state I'm in. Isolation comforts me. Solitude brings safety. The blood on my hands ain't mine. I don't know where I've been. Did I cross the line. Or dream and reality.
I'm hanging by a thread|1:13 AM|
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
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I THINK BANDS FROM FINLAND ARE THE BEST. TWO VERY GOOD EXAMPLES ARE 'HIM' (H.I.M) AND 'TO/DIE/FOR' INSPIREDGuns 'n' Roses. HAH BEAT THAT! OK Sorry being competitive here ahaha but now I think Finnish bands are the best. Sheesh from all these, some people are gonna think Finland is an evil place. Lol. It's not.
Success abroad
The earliest Finnish rock bands to gain any notoriety were progressive rock bands like Tasavallan Presidentti and Wigwam. Though for a time they seemed poised to break through in Europe, international fame eluded them. 1980s bands were similarly unable to find an international following, such as Gringos Locos and Havana Black; one exception to this was Hanoi Rocks, a popular glam rock band. They are still the most respected Finnish group abroad. Though the band collapsed on the verge of final international breakthrough, they were the source of inspiration for glam rock bands of 1980s including Guns N' Roses.
22-Pistepirkko has had a cult status in Europe, notably in Holland and Germany. The trio's indie-rock incorporates blues and melancholy melodies, with a touch of Tom Waits.
The most popular Finnish band abroad is probably HIM,[citation needed] fronted by Ville Valo. HIM's music has been labeled often as "love metal". HIM and The Rasmus topped album charts in several European countries with their most successful albums. HIM got also a gold record in the USA in 2006. The international success of The Rasmus and HIM during the current decade is wider than any Finnish group has gotten before.
YEAH MAN. Children of Bodom, I've heard of them =D
Apocalyptica too! Nightwish, The 69 Eyes sang WASTING THE DAWN AHH {<3}>Band Members Joonas Koto - lead guitars Jape PerÃtalo - vocals J.P. Sutela - guitars Marko Kangaskolkka - bass Tonmi Lillmann - drums
Ohh um, OK. hahahahaah. =D What's with the no-nicknames! =( Can't pronounce.
Release my soul just one more time.
I'm hanging by a thread|5:53 PM|
Hello, hello
Yes, the headers are like, A7x songs. I know.
I read all the letters I had put in the box in my drawer. From my old maids' letters to the ones Jake writes.