You can sit beside me when the world comes down

Love Me

2012-02-05T04:45:00.002+08:00

Love me like Marshall loves Lily (How I Met Your Mother)

Love me like Ross loves Rachel and Chandler loves Monica (Friends)

Love me like Chuck loves Blaire (Gossip Girl)

Love me like Leo loves Piper (Charmed)

Love me like Angel loves Buffy (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Love me like Gomez loves Morticia (The Addams Family)

Love me like Sawyer loves Juliet (Lost)

Love me like Cook loves Effy and Sid loves Cassie (Skins)

Love me like Hodgins loves Angela (Bones)

Love me like Will loves Emma (Glee)

Hah. I should just stop watching TV shows because they're never realistic. No one will ever love me like that. I just bring everyone down anyway.

2012-01-16T16:51:00.001+08:00

I don't want love to destroy me like it did my family.

2011-12-04T22:15:00.004+08:00

I had my birthday party yesterday. It was close to perfect.

I had such a great time and so did my guests. It was amazing. The food was fabulous.

I truly appreciate all the effort my family put in to make things perfect. All the little details and small surprises.

My cake was incredible. I'd asked for it but I am still really happy I got it. Synyster Gates's Schecter guitar. And all the guests loved it. Even Hon could eat it and she's lactose intolerant, so she usually can't eat the extravagant birthday cakes.

Sweetest 18th, indeed.

I can't put into words just how satisfying yesterday was.

And to be surprised by someone who isn't the sort to surprise people. That's priceless. I can't expect to have more surprises of course, but a girl can dream, can't she?

Mummy put in a few little surprises too! We had a bread basket intricately arranged by my uncle's girlfriend. It was beautiful and everyone loved the bread. Warm and soft straight from the oven! The bread was from some Swiss bakery. We had a variety of breads. Sadly, it hadn't occurred to me to take a photo and I'm not sure if anyone else took one.

Mummy also went to buy a few balloons. Colourful. One was heart shaped and another was a novelty "Happy Birthday" balloon on which party guests signed to wish me Happy Birthday.

Definitely a birthday party I'll never forget.

2011-11-28T22:55:00.000+08:00

The one that I let go.

The one I'll never forget.

So in love.

Sometimes it hurts instead

2011-11-21T23:36:00.002+08:00

I must be incredibly twisted but I have a tendency to or a habit of nitpicking.
Why is this twisted? Because I only do it to those I love like family or people I am very very very very comfortable with.

Of course, this will not work out in my favour if the person is not my family member because this person will get sick and tired of my nitpicking.

I'm already holding back on a lot of things I've wanted to say. Splitting hairs and whatnot. I'm trying not to nitpick so much, as much as I consciously can.

My family has grown used to it and I hope that you will too... It's not that I'm not trying to change but we all must know we can't exactly change what we notice subconsciously or automatically. It's out of our control.

Nitpicking is not necessarily irrelevant or of unimportance. It would be nice if what I pick at were taken into some level of consideration.

Once again, this doesn't work in my favour because it increased my sensitivity to people's body language and subtle possible implications.

In the end I am my own downfall.

2011-11-20T00:10:00.004+08:00

I gave fair warning that I'm very difficult to be with.

I made it clear my emotions can be fucked in any and every way.

If you can't stand it then I can't blame you if you wanna walk out.

I guess it's something I got used to. Goodbyes.

I thought things could be different for me but it's crystal clear it's me that's the problem, 100%.

This is the first time the person I'm with has seen this side of me. The most the others ever saw was the insecurity but it ended there. I never really opened up much. They knew nothing.

I'd finally thought someone could understand, or have the patience to try to understand.

The truth is that no one will.

It's so difficult to have me in anyone's life. As long as I don't open up, everything is fine.

If it's easier that everything goes back to first base honeymoon style so my emotional tendencies don't have to be dealt with then OK. But that won't get us anywhere.

I'm in a very fragile state for the time being and nothing is helping at all. I just feel worse every day.

Somewhere inside I'm balancing between going away forever and sticking around for the family that loves me.

Everyone is better off without me anyway.

Fairytales

2011-11-12T02:11:00.003+08:00

Everyone gets it right on their first try. Or so it seems.

Does this make me easy? Does it make me stupid? Does it make me just plainly worthless?

I don't even know how to explain it. It took them a while longer or something, but everything just clicks. It comes so easy to them. First try and they hit the jackpot or something.

I just feel like trash thinking about it.

I feel like I'm at a loss of some sort. I don't know. I really just don't.

It's not like I don't appreciate what I have now, I do. All I can say is I just don't know. I just don't.

My last appointment with my psych was a few weeks ago. By now I'd have had another but that was the last cos she got transferred. Nothing is set in stone, so it's true. I didn't think anything would change very much just being without a psych for a while until I get another one but I was wrong. If this is what's happening to me now, I can't imagine what I'd feel like in a month.

The perpetual sadness, the feelings of worthlessness, it's all coming back. The worst part is that I think I've pushed my problems back so far that I, myself, cannot put a finger on any root of any feeling.

The urge is strong and I'm holding back for you but I'm not feeling myself getting any better.

I'm sorry.

Make You Feel My Love by Adele

2011-10-30T01:50:00.002+08:00

When the rain is blowing in your face

And the whole world is on your case

I could offer you a warm embrace

To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear

And there is no one there to dry your tears

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet

But I would never do you wrong

I've known it from the moment that we met

No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue

I'd go crawling down the avenue

No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rolling sea

And on the highway of regret

Though winds of change are blowing wild and free

You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true

Nothing that I wouldn't do

Go to the ends of the Earth for you

To make you feel my love

Adele isn't my usual type of music but I love this song. The first time I heard it was when I was watching Bones and it just hit me.

I love you

2011-10-19T00:09:00.003+08:00

I have faith in it.

I have faith in us.

I have faith in what we have.

I am not going to live in a dreamland where I think that it'll be perfect sunshine and flowers throughout. I am not going to say that we will last forever and all that jazz. The part of me that is a realist takes me back.

I told this to myself and I think it's something I'll stick to, not diligently but close enough: Hope for the best, expect the worst.

To hope for the best is to hold on, like all is not lost. It is to believe there is something that can be done, that there is always hope to keep you going.

To expect the worst is to leave disappointment in the dust. To expect is to be disappointed. Expecting the worst leads to surprise in the better. Doesn't surprise leave a sweeter taste than crushed expectations?

I will always be ready for the worst to come, whether it comes or not. It will most definitely crush me, but I won't be surprised if I really feel it coming.

I'm not saying I'm really good, but my intuition has been pretty accurate for me for as long as I can remember.

Good news is I don't feel the worst coming. I don't feel like I should be expecting the worst.

What I have right now is the hope. I feel us going places and I can see it in my mind. It looks nice. It's a good place to be.

There are things I've always imagined. I can draw the line between fantasy and reality. I will most likely not own a huge private condominium apartment, nor will I have the spending power to splurge on frivolous glitters. However, I can have a decent private condominium apartment and design the interior by myself (with a budget in mind) if I work hard for it.

I've always hoped to buy a Mercedes Benz for my mother, but that's going to be a little difficult unless I climb the ladder quickly. I could, because I plan to be specialised.

I've digressed. Anyway, I just feel something good going for us. I only hope for you to forgive me for whatever may come, especially my moodiness because that can take bitchy to a whole new level.

I'm unstable, to say the least.

Having found someone who can love me for who I am, that's something that makes me however happy I may be. Whether it's real, whether it lasts, I'll leave it to the big guy in the sky.

Goodbyes are all I've ever known. So whatever happens, I'll always be grateful to have ever felt what I feel now.

I'm not a person of regret. I never saw the point. It's over, there's nothing you can do to change it. If there's something you did that you regret, it was what you wanted wasn't it? And if you regret not doing something, regretting only takes up your emotional energy in the current time and place. Cos the past will never change.

The past makes the present and the present makes the future.

If you keep regretting the past, you're making your future out to regret the present. Cos you're brooding over what you should be learning from to make your future better.

Like it's always said; your past made you who you are today.

Of course, if you hate yourself today, change. You still can't change the past. Change yourself today so you don't hate yourself tomorrow.

I know for a fact that it's easier said than done. I have hated myself for the last 5 years or so and I continue but I'm trying to change. I'm trying to improve my future. I've learned a lot from my past in ways many peers haven't even thought of, I guess I can say I'm proud of that.

I'd been told to focus more on the good things. I'm slowly but surely finding more about myself to like. Perhaps, eventually, love.

For now, all my love goes out to you. I hope we never die.

Westlife Gravity Tour 2011

2011-10-04T13:26:00.005+08:00

Westlife was the bomb!

My aunt and I had a really deep conversation before the concert started. Westlife opened with When You're Looking Like That. They came out in suits and had little choreographed moves. It was super cute and their band was exceptional! The band was really top-notch, they filled all the empty spaces with amazing riffs and rhythms, they're a crowd-pleaser. I guess the band was very important because Westlife went backstage a few times to change outfits.

Somewhere in the middle, they came out in colourful clothes and did a medley of covers. It was fantastic! They sang Coldplay's 'Viva La Vida', Rihanna's 'Only Girl (In The World)', 'Time of My Life' (I don't know who sang the original), and Lady Gaga's 'Bad Romance'. The transitioning was excellent.

Their encore songs were 'What About Now' and 'Uptown Girl'. Pity they didn't sing Lay My Love On You and Swear It Again, though.

For 'Beautiful Tonight', they invited 4 random girls up on stage. One of them was having her birthday and she had a huge sign that read 'Kiss Me It's My Birthday'. Of course, that got their attention. It helped that she was in the standing pit (in which they had set up chairs, of course).

Overall, I had a really good time. I can add this Westlife Gravity Tour concert to my list of concerts I've been to! Avril Lavigne in 2005, Linkin Park in 2007, Avenged Sevenfold in 2008, Green Day in 2010, Suede in 2011 and now, Westlife in 2011! Sweet, two concerts in a single year! It's not common for me because the people I'd like to see in concert are hardly mainstream (people who'd tour to Singapore, that is).

I pity the people who leave when the concert 'ends'. Obviously, these people don't know some basic concert 'etiquette'. Every concert has an encore performance unless they're so bad that no one wants one. Westlife gave a great show and hell, the crowd wanted more! I watched the people leaving after the stage lights went off and wondered if they did that for every concert they went to. That's missing out on a lot!

~ENCORE

As I Lay My Love On You

2011-10-02T19:30:00.004+08:00

My relatives are coming over from Perth/Canberra. My uncle, his wife and my cousin, B, are coming over tomorrow. They're arriving at 3 in the morning... And my cousin, M, and her boyfriend (they've been 'travelling the world' together, she's my age and I'm not even allowed into Malaysia without an adult) are arriving the day after in the afternoon.

To be honest, I'm pretty indifferent about their visiting. The only thing I really want to do is spend some time with my uncle. He's a fabulous guy and his days are numbered. I love him so much. As for my cousins... it's nice seeing them and all but I'm not keen on clearing my schedule to bond and whatnot. M and her boyfriend will be joined at the hips anyway. I'm looking forward to seeing B cos I haven't seen him in years.

My holidays are starting on Tuesday and I've a week without my relatives before school starts again. That's a good chunk of my holidays with my relatives all over the house and demanding my time and attention. It's not that I don't love them or that I don't want to see them or that I don't care for them, I do. It's just that I had so many things I wanted to do during the holidays that I can't do with them around. It's just different. I wanted to dedicate some good amount of time to art (painting, printing, etc) but it's awkward with them around and they'll keep coming in to see my work and talk about it. I don't want people examining my art, I've had enough of that in the last 11 years of my life. This is recreational art. I especially wouldn't want my extended family observing my process and result lest they have nothing nice to say about it.

I also need to find a new floor tom. I've to find a good one and one that matches my set or at least matches the set I will have eventually. Yeah, I'm trying to replace the set I have, it's old and wearing down. I've got a new set of double pedals, now to get a floor tom. I think I'll go with black. I'm tempted to buy an entire 5-tom set but it's costly and I'll be paying out of my own pocket at present. I haven't got the money for that. My mother's in Eastern Europe. She'll be back soon but if I am going to get a new tom tomorrow, she can't help me. My bass drum is holding strong, though, so I guess the trio (bass drum, high & low tom) will stick around a little longer.

I've a small problem. I don't trust my own judgment of what a good floor tom is. Of course, it's personal about whether one likes the sound of their own drum but I still fear getting some incredibly ridiculous tom with horrible tone. I don't trust myself. I believe I'm tone deaf, to a certain extent. SUCKS.

Westlife is having a concert in Singapore tomorrow night. My aunt and I are going! I'm very excited for this. I love Westlife. They are amazing. What a great way to celebrate the ending of the examination period.

I lay my love on you.

It's all I wanna do.

Every time I breathe,

I feel brand new.

You open up my heart.

Show me all your love,

And walk right through.

2011-10-02T19:13:00.003+08:00

This has so much truth:

"But altogether I think school is a waste of time, except for elementary school where you learn to read and to write, which is important. But school itself has no function. School should only be attended when one is ready to learn something. Like for example when you are thirty and really willing to study. School is just a necessary evil for all young people and everybody just hates it. You learn it all by heart without getting to the real meaning of things."

2011-09-27T01:20:00.002+08:00

I need coffee and cigarettes.

2011-09-26T00:51:00.003+08:00

I'm coughing my lungs out, I'm crying my eyes out.

Guilty

2011-09-24T01:29:00.004+08:00

So I've had this recent belief that I am the cause of many people's problems. When J and I got pretty close (we were on the phone almost everyday), she started feeling negative emotions a lot more and she just had pessimistic views on everything. I guess this could have been the influence of my own emotions since she was with me through my break-up. Then again, I didn't talk too much about it with her. She was excellent because she never made me talk about it. She took my mind off it by talking to me about other things.

Since it was the holidays (between O's and whatever further education), I'd gotten much closer to C as we had a lot of time to spend. We met up frequently and could talk for hours on end (which we still do, just not frequently). I had told her that every time I share my crazy feelings with someone, they end up with shit on their plate. One day after I'd told her this (and she promised that whatever I tell her wouldn't change a thing), the fucked up shit with A happened and I couldn't feel anything but responsible. I know it wasn't directly related but I couldn't help feeling like it's me. I guess it could sound pretty self-centred but I feel like whoever gets close to me will be the next person to experience a brand new kind of problem.

With recent happenings, I can't help but feel the same way.

I'm sorry. I'm like a virus. Wherever I go, I bring some form of emotional destruction or unease and I don't know how to change this.

I must be a horrid girl to still want to be close to people, knowing that all I seem to bring is misery and misfortune.

I'm thankful to have started blogging again. Sort of. A part of me doesn't want to get better because I'm incredibly comfortable in my suicidal state of mind but I know that there are people who love me (mostly family) and I don't want to waste all that they've been through with me. A split mind, you could say. Blogging is like an outlet, seeing as letting out all this on Twitter just makes tweeters feel like shit too.

Depression (most usually suicidal thoughts) is a contagion.

All I can say is that I'm very sorry.

Nobody can live alone. No matter how 'independent' people say they are or they wanna be, it can never happen. There's always somebody whom you'll need. No one can go without anyone else unless you live in a fucking cave and live on nature.

Nevertheless, I am truly thankful for the people whose lives I feel I've indirectly fucked up. Cos the few I really care about are still around and they'll forever be in my heart.

As for my most recent unintentional victim, I hope he sticks around because I love him more than I've loved anyone else outside my family and he makes me feel the way I never thought I'd need someone to make me feel.

Lovesong by The Cure

2011-09-20T23:25:00.000+08:00

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am fun again

2011-09-20T15:13:00.001+08:00

I'm on Tumblr instead of studying for my upcoming exams.

I found this and I felt like I needed to share it:

"unfortunately we live in a world where it is okay to wish ill will on a human being for making a personal choice. her personal choice is ~SO RADICAL~, because her choice defies a patriarchal society that applies unfair standards of beauty to women (including but not limited to: shaving most of the body, wearing make-up, being skinny, looking youthful, etc, etc). society puts an incredible amount of weight on a woman’s appearance, whereas men are not judged harshly for what they look like. women are not society’s property, we do not need to look how you want us to look. everyone should have the freedom to make personal choices about their appearance, personal choices about ANYTHING, and not garner hateful comments wishing violence upon them. live and let live."

Trace this line

2011-09-20T02:18:00.003+08:00

I realise that whenever I eat, I feel guilty. I feel like I've failed, somehow. However much I feel like a failure when I eat, I still eat a hell of a lot of junk food. Like raindrops falling from the sky; I can't stop it. Self-discipline is just that little bit beyond reach. I had a moist chocolate cake for dessert after dinner today. That was after a carb-filled prawn penne dish (with cheese and mushrooms). Not to mention that I had deep-fried potatoes (not fries, they were almost like yams), yellow rice (carbs) and slices of an omelette (with mushrooms, salty too) for lunch. I also had a dark mocha frappucino in the afternoon, between lunch and dinner.

I have atrocious eating habits. What makes it worse is that I have an aversion to green veggies. The only veggies I eat are lame things like potatoes and corn... and the occasional carrots & peas (in things like fried rice and shepherd's pie). Perhaps some white cabbage in chicken soup every once in a while but that's it. Lest I become much fatter, I exercise and have actually started thinking about what I'm putting into my system.

Once again, where's my motivation? I have no drive to get off my ass and go for a good 3KM walk. I study merely for the sake of studying (what a society in which we dwell).

My mother used to tell me that the lowest-hanging fruit are the easiest to pick (metaphorically, though literally true as well) but I feel like the tree I'm climbing is bare.

I had an appointment with my psychologist today. Something we did today helped me to realise that it's going to be a long and hard road to recovery. No, I'm not fucking mental. I just saw it for myself, today, that it is going to be tougher once it's down to the wire (perhaps even before that).

I've been kind of glazing through my years of therapy, just going with the flow and taking it easy. It's not helpful that I will only have two more sessions with my current psychologist, she having been moved to another unit. After which, I'd most probably have to find a private psych.

It's funny how it's in the last few sessions that my psych seemed to get serious. Maybe she had been taking her time to get to 'know' me. The thought of having to go through all of the same old shit with a new psych makes me feel tired, mentally.

I've been through about four therapists in my lifetime (excluding my school counselor who was absolutely useless, I didn't trust her anyway). Well, my lifetime being the last 4 to 5 years? It's been a long-drawn struggle and I've had ups and downs, ins and outs like a fucking electrocardiogram. None of the 'ups' were high enough to relieve me from my depression, though. It's like a demon that holds me down. I can't say that I definitely want to get away, because I've grown comfortable being the way I am. I have grown comfortable hating myself, I have grown comfortable with all my 'core beliefs' about myself. Unhappiness is my comfort zone. I also believe that if I were to be rid of my depression, I'd return to the horrid person I once was. I can't stand the thought.

Maybe all that is part of what I need to work on. I hope I'm sorted out soon enough.

To be honest, I can't say that it's just been me all along. There have been many recent (or not) events that have led to my decline. Of course, some people/situations having a greater effect than others. Some certain things even drove me back into the deepest of my depressions.

Do you know what it feels like being completely alone? I'm truly, truly sorry to the people closest to me, that they cannot make me feel much less lonely. I'm kind of a burden to carry and so very often do I consciously think that everyone is better off without me.

Overall, I guess I'm always sorry for the way I feel. Cos anyone who loves me wouldn't want me to feel this way.

Tonight, we all die young

2011-09-19T02:33:00.005+08:00

It's 2:30 in the morning and I'm still on the Internet. The Internet is addictive, I swear. It's difficult to close everything and shut down my laptop because there is just so much to do!

No, actually. I do get pretty bored. Generally, life is boring (with the exception of a few things). The mundane activities of everyday life serve no mental or emotional entertainment to me and I have no goals but to do well for my upcoming exams. These exams for which I am not exactly worried. It's something about me, how I just cannot stress out because of exams. Or because of schoolwork per se, for that matter. Where's my motivation? I have merely 2 reasons to do 'well': So as to not waste the 10 grand my mother is putting into my Foundation course here at JCU, and to prove to myself that I am not as stupid as I tend to think I am.

I've been playing Insaniquarium instead of studying. Guilty. I can't help it! That game is addictive! Oh well. Tomorrow I'll be studying, if even for a little while.

Nothing lasts forever.

I'm choking on my insecurities. I'm bounded by the paranoia that I'll never measure up. I'll never think I'm good enough (nor will I ever be) and I'll never love myself wholly.

The fear, coupled with the knowledge that I'm full of shit, is eating at me. Bit by bit. I'm slowly falling away. I'm waiting for the day you'll give up, get sick and tired of me and walk away. That's all I've ever known so why should this be any different? I feel so guilty for feeling the things I feel because I can honestly say I haven't felt this secure in several years. I can't find any reason on a part other than my own to doubt our future and your love for me.

I will never see or understand why I'm so important and what there is to love. I know that will backfire on me in time to come cos if I can't love myself, who the fuck can stand to love me for long?

I feel so bad that this is what you've to put up with. I wouldn't blame you if you were to just leave one day because I get so annoying being paranoid and self-loathing and whatnot. I'm deeply sorry that it indirectly insults your taste that I think I'm such a fuck-up.

Help me find my way.

No one can make me feel the way you can.

Words can't describe how fucking grateful I am to have found someone like you.

Still, I can't help but feel like you will give up one day. One fine day, you'll tell me I'm too much.

I don't know. I just want to break the pattern I've been having and see where it goes from there.

I can't seem to give my all, however hard I try. Learned behaviour; I've lost everything countless times whenever I'd given all I could. Something inside is stopping me from letting it happen again, so I've a wall built to deny anyone the power to totally break me once more.

Sweet words and a hopeful mind can only go so far.

I've heard it all before and it never lasted to ring true.

I need a little more. I need a little time.

I miss you

2011-09-16T22:52:00.005+08:00

When hearts fall from the sky

They shatter as they hit the ground

I know we aren't close anymore. I know that we have very different lives and we have both probably changed a great deal. All the same, I truly care for you and it hurts me to see you the way you are. I don't know how much our friendship means to you but I'm grateful that you still would like to meet up. I hope it's not a social obligation for you. I hope that you actually want to see me and talk to me again.

I don't want to know everything that is happening in your life and how you feel because I'm curious or because I'm a busybody. No. What I would really like to know is how you're holding up. I would like to know so that I can gauge the whole situation and try to help in whatever way I can. If you don't want to tell me everything, that is completely fine as well.

I know I'm not the only person you can/will/may turn to. I know that you have all your bro's to talk to. I know that I may not be able to provide much because I'm not in your life and I don't know so many of the people who are, but I am willing to do whatever I can to help you feel better. I remember how I was practically the only one there for you when you stayed over impromptu and we had the long conversation overnight in my estate's playground. Actually, I'm not sure if I was practically the only one but I know that I was one of few.

I want to be there for you but I can only do that if you allow me to. I can't wait to see you. I miss you and I don't throw "I miss you's" around (unless they were given to me first then it's a social obligation).

I miss you and that's 100% true.

You're a friend I wish had stayed around. It's a pity that we're so far apart these days. I will not stop asking you out every once in a while if only to have a chat and a meal.

Of the whole 'clique' that we used to be, you've been the best friend to me.

The lovely friendship you offered to me did not last as long as I wasn't paranoid or as long as whatever.

I had a best friend. She stopped talking to me because I became paranoid.

I had a really good friend for 2 years and a certain tall, skinny, girl ruined that for me. I think that friend was only my friend because she liked me. Now, she treats me like shit.

I'm digressing.

You're a friend I want to still have in 10 years. 20 years. 30 years, if I live long enough.

I mean it when I say I can't wait to see you, and that I miss you.

I mean it when I say I love you (as a friend, if it has to be clarified).

I hope I can serve as a form of comfort, help, anything to you. Cos I know you're not doing fine in the department of hearts.

Wings of a Butterfly

2011-09-13T19:45:00.002+08:00

I'm at Coffee Bean at Raffles Hospital. I'm with Marc. We were supposed to be studying but we haven't even started. The foolscap paper and stationery are out but... nothing has been done. Whoops. Typical of me, ey?

We got our exam topics for Geography today (since Tuesdays are Geography days) and it was overwhelming! I thought I was going to die just looking at what we had to study. I was never very good at Geography and this just takes the cake.

Why is Coffee Bean closing so early? It's only 8PM. It doesn't make any sense!

Locked & Loaded

2011-09-12T20:31:00.002+08:00

Yup, so I'll start blogging again. I don't know why, I guess I just feel like it.

Lately, I've been feeling pretty good. A door has opened and it brought me something wonderful. Something passionate, something comforting, something beautiful. I hope it lasts cos it has made me feel the best I've felt in years. It may be too soon to say so, but what I'm feeling now is all I can count on. I can't help but smile more often and, hey, a couple of years back was when I was remembered for never smiling so this must be something different. This something has reintroduced some form of security for me too ('reintroduced' because I used to be secure, about 7 years ago). I am an extremely insecure person, verging on paranoia. I guess you could say that my heart feels at peace, somewhat, because suicidal thoughts have been visiting less.

I have a reason to live.

Overall, I've been feeling good, it's true. Yet somehow, my body isn't reacting the same way. I've been having terrible aches and pains (no, it's not PMS cos that's over). I sway in and out of feelings of despair, depression, anger, sadness and hyperactivity. I'm tired almost all the time and I have almost no desire to really study (which is bad because this is one hell of an expensive course). My appetite is taking a fall as well. Hardly anything looks appetising to me but I'll try to eat it and never finish. I get hungry but don't want to eat at the same time. My mouth won't agree with my stomach.

I am also trying to cut down on sugars, oil, carbohydrates and deep-fried food in my diet. Yes, I am sacrificing my love for food (despite the fact that my appetite is playing games with me). Why do I do this? For the sake of slimming down. I've gained some weight and I do believe I'm fat, if not on the borderline of becoming fat. I want to be able to wear the clothes I'd love to wear and to be able to walk, stand and sit without straining my muscles to make sure my stomach isn't bulging or my legs don't look too fat. Perhaps it's the social anxiety thing I've got. I can't relax with people around. I have no idea,but I would love to slim down.

Something else I'm trying to start doing is exercising. Great idea, huh? No, not really. I hate exercising. I'm fully aware that this mindset will get me nowhere, but I can't bring myself to believe that exercise is uplifting. I know about all those endorphins and whatnot but I only feel worse after exercising. I don't think that's normal but hell, I'll exercise anyway!

Perhaps, in the long run, it'll aid in my recovery from clinical depression. The main point of all this is to slim down so if that happens, I guess I'll just be that much more satisfied with myself.

Have I mentioned that I've been tearing? I tend to have this sudden urge to cry. My eyes would tear up and I wouldn't even know why. Sometimes at the littlest of things. It's both amusing and weird at the same time.

I haven't played my drums in a while. That's rather depressing. I need to send my guitar in for re-tuning too, cos there's something wrong with the tuning. Even my brother can't tune it right (and he's a fucking pro). I guess I'll bring it to Peninsula during my short holidays. I will definitely spend a lot of my free time during the holidays doing right-brained activities.

I would like to paint, I would like to draw, I would like to screen-print. I would like to practise my drumming once again. I say that I 'would like to' because most often, I have plans for such holidays that I never carry out. It's saddening. Laziness is utter poison.

I guess I've rambled on enough. I'm pretty tired anyway, as usual. I'll try to update this daily, cos I feel like reviving this.

Cheers.

Return

2011-09-12T08:42:00.000+08:00

Maybe I'll start blogging again. Maybe, just maybe. I might, I might not.
Who reads this anymore anyway, right? LOL. It's a good outlet, since I am trying to keep my negativity and shit off Twitter. Cos everyone there is negative and it's fucking depressing. Not that I blame anyone I follow for ranting there, but I don't want to contribute to the misery that floods our Twitter circles.

Hello

2010-09-07T23:41:00.002+08:00

Well, I haven't posted here for quite a while. (:

I shall revive this blog. I'm in a mood for typing.

I'm listening to Strawberry Swing by Coldplay. Their style is rather different. I like. My iTunes is on shuffle. I'm waiting for it to shuffle to The Pretty Reckless. I love the way Taylor is not a mainstream actress-singer. She's an actress, a model (for Material Girl, a fashion line by Madonna), and a singer-songwriter for her band 'The Pretty Reckless'. Her voice is real, and it's different. Many of the pop singers we hear on radio a dozen times a day have the same kind of voice, the same style of music, the same way of dressing and the same image altogether. Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, Miranda Cosgrove. They all sound the same. If you didn't know their voices well (or their songs for that matter), you'd think they're all the same person. I, personally, like Miranda Cosgrove but I agree that her genre, her dressing and everything are all too similar to the mainstream. I'm disappointed in the music industry. My take is that many recent artists have NO REAL TALENT. It's all auto-tuned and back up singers/dancers with lights and instructions.

Justin Bieber. He doesn't even look good. Taylor Swift has a loving, rich father. Miley Cyrus tried acting (I don't think she acts well) and tried to milk it for what it's worth thus trying to sing which turned out even worse. Who the fuck head bangs to a slow song on the number one Fox TV show? Miranda starting acting from young, I think her first appearance was as the class monitor in School of Rock. That kicked off her career, being the sister in Drake & Josh and many more shows and movies. Now she's got her own iCarly and she's making 6 times what Miss Gomez is making. I don't think her acting is fantastic but it's better than the idiots Disney lets out these days. I love Disney, I really do. The writers are still great. They just need to churn out better talents.

I'm not saying I can do better, this is merely my point of view. (:

Nightmare

2010-07-19T22:04:00.001+08:00

OMFG. I MUST GET IT I MUST GET IT. LIMITED AMOUNT AVAILABLE.

AHHHHHHHHHHH.

JIMMY ON ELECTRONIC KIT

BEFORE SOLIDIFYING HIS PLAYING IN THE STUDIO

AHHHHHHHHHHH.

MUST GET IT MUST GET IT.

SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE

BUT

I MUST GET IT. OMG.

Tribute to The Rev, baby.

"Dear God, I pray Jimmy Sullivan is in a little piece of heaven in the afterlife, making the angels scream. He seized the day in Bat Country then burned it down, his unholy confessions trashed and scattered. We gave him the strength of the world and he gave us a second heartbeat. He is MIA, but will walk on through thick and thin to the wicked end. May you be in eternal rest. A synyster man who will leave his shadows behind and strikes with a vengeance, fearing no christ for he is the Rev.UP"

Feels so good to hit the ground

2010-07-17T23:42:00.001+08:00

I continue to set myself up for this.

What do I get out of it? Nothing.

I don't know why I can't escape this cycle!

2010-07-13T17:51:00.002+08:00

Be confused, I say!

This is gonna be a rather.... bitchy post so I shan't name names.... (: Well, not many! (:

I shall simply narrate my day in a pretty mundane manner. Cos... I feel like it. :/

I woke up this morning pretty groggy. Then I remembered that the DPA submission deadline is TODAY. I freaked out a little bit and texted Jeannette. She told me to bring my laptop to school to do it. Thing is, there's not internet! So I called Diane.

Me: DIANE! Have you left the house yet?

Diane: Yes.

Me: Did you bring your laptop?

Diane: Yeah, why?

Me: I need to do the DPA thing but I can't bring my laptop cos I won't have internet and it's damn ley chey to bring.

Diane: I need to do the DPA thing too!

Me: HAHA. OKOK great, thanks Diane!

Diane: OK, bye!

Me: Byeeee.

_ and Mrs _ had a 'talk'. About the teaching methods. Lols. We could feel the tension! All the subtexts!

What I don't like is that everybody says "thank you" or demonstrates gestures of gratitude but Mrs _ only says "you're welcome" to the people who say it loudly and clearly. Wtf? And she says it super loudly, like she's insinuating that the rest of us don't say thanks.

The first time she brought it up, it was when _ said 'thank you'. I said it too, before her. I guess EVERYONE is too soft? Wtf.

When she was going through our test paper today, I pulled the projector screen down - nothing. Usually she'd thank the person or tell the class to thank the person and what do I get? A sprained wrist. Yeah, it took a while cos no one got up to pull the screen down for quite a while but someone got up in the end didn't they?

We took height and weight for those who hadn't done it last week. I'm not very happy. They should seriously change the height measuring tape thing in the canteen. IT'S INACCURATE AND I CAN FIND AT LEAST TEN PEOPLE WHO AGREE WITH ME.

Ms _ was funny though. She said my fingernails were like the devil's, witches'. hahahhaha. She's so cute.

We have an ART BOOT CAMP now. WHAT THE F.

This Friday (Crystal's birthday!! Grr) to Saturday. 3pm to 3pm. I think _ is gonna approach _ to get us out of Math class on Saturday morning but I don't know about that. If he doesn't, we're gonna make Jeannette do it. (Y) She's our voice!

I don't think I'll stay over, though I will turn up. My hips have been hurting LIKE HELL these days. My knees are giving me problems which is unusual and weird, just like my shin.

Prolonged exertion! D8<

Sydney: Every day we had to walk around, nothing I could have done about that.

After Sydney: Back to school right away. Hard chairs (PoA, Science Practical, Mother Tongue, Art, Math, school things). Lots of walking around (changing venues, studio practice). Ugh. My hips are hurting ttm. I'm lying on my bed and I can feel it. ): Sometimes I wish I had an electric wheelchair.

I just felt a sudden laziness. G'bye. (:

Without you, there'd be no me

2010-07-07T00:15:00.001+08:00

I don't have plans and schemes

And I don't have hopes and dreams

I, I, I don't have anything

Since I don't have you

And I don't have fond desires

And I don't have happy hours

I don't have anything

Since I don't have you

Happiness and I guess

I never will again

When you walked out on me

In walked ol' misery

And she's been here since then

I don't have love to share

And I don't have one who cares

I don't have anything

Since I don't have you

2010-06-07T22:26:00.002+08:00

Doing the YOG scores is so complicated. Ah! HAHA. The rhythms are like whoa. demisemiquavers comin' out. D; *boggled*

It's fun though. I learn a lot doing it. HEHE. I just hope my efforts are appreciated. (;

Ahhhh back pain!! I've been going around too much. ); One would think holidays are a time to relax the body aye? I haven't even been leisurely going out ):

*complain complain*

shut up shannen..

ALLLLRIGHT. I'm thinking about being a Vlogger. D; Should I? Should I not? Hmm - thinking -

Crystal's done the perc tee, it's really nice (: it's sad she doesn't do Art ); she will most definitely be successful!

I don't know why I'm here. Random compulsions. Is that normal? Eck, I'll go do something else. I have no life -.-

2010-05-29T02:10:00.002+08:00

OMG I MUST GET "NIGHTMARE" (album)

Must must get it! DX

I think I'll order it so I get it before most people! >;(

It'll be especially valuable! Sigh. );

Oh, I've made the "website" for Vermillion. *hearts*

I'm not linking it until it's 100% ready! >;(

Talk in Stereo

2010-05-27T00:13:00.001+08:00

When it comes to you

I know everything and anything

What you like to do

What you like to wear

What you're putting in your hair

Be the one to leave

2010-05-24T13:18:00.003+08:00

Using my iPhone! Having fun with my newly changed data plan (;
I'm actually quite bored.….… :/
Audrey is sleeping, her head on my lap. She's moving a lot, I think she's in her R.E.M state. :/
she says my leg is comfortable.…... Now we are getting ready for chem practical. AGAIN. Ugh. That woman......

Confessions

2010-05-23T23:48:00.002+08:00

Honestly? I really don't know what I'm doing. You'd think I know exactly what I'm doing, and that I don't care about what might result from this. I think about it every day. I fear the situation every day. I like this as little as you do. I just can't bear to bring myself down because I know you'll rise with pride and forget you ever felt low. Then more fears attack. I wish I could tell you everything I hate about you, and everything about you I wish I had. I'm not quite sure what this is, and how it had ever erupted to become something like this. I don't want this. I don't know how it came to be and I don't know how to fix it. We both have too much pride to admit we're both wrong. So we don't talk. Is this how it's going to be? We're not in lower sec, I believe we can settle this more maturely. I hope we do before it's too late. Perhaps all this, ALL of this wouldn't have ever happened (even though some of it is over) if I hadn't come in. My life and all of yours' would be so different.

I'm afraid I've lost you for good. We've known each other for a while, yeah not as long as many others you know but long enough on my part. Are we letting it all go? Very often when I reflect on my life and how it has come to be the way it is, my thoughts are flooded with you. You've played a really big part in who I've become. Yup, as unbelievable as it could be. It's true. I have to move on, without you. I guess I've given up on trying to keep talking to you. Obviously you don't need me in your life. Wouldn't make a difference if I walked away or merely drifted afar. Well, it makes a difference to me. We don't always have things our way right? I'll have to live with it. But know this, I won't forget you. You were one of the better friends I've had in my lifetime even though you've given up my place for someone else most probably, by now. Life goes on right? I need to get over being stuck in the past. Put in a different perspective, doesn't it seem like life sours as we age? Well, if you ever decide you'd like me around again, I'm right here.

People really do change... Don't we all? It's whether the friendship is a strong enough bond to withstand the change. As people change, personalities change don't they? Some friendships just aren't strong enough. Or the people have grown weak to adjusting to changes. When relationships with friends fall out. I believe it is mostly due to change.

A little much to think about before I sleep, though... Not good. Not good. :/

If you want to try

2010-05-17T21:35:00.002+08:00

Of course you should commend someone like that, because you know you need these kinds of people in order to be yourself. The person who throws people down to feel better about yourself. I've got a whole different way of looking at the things you say now. Everything you say, I put it the opposite way in my head. Why? Because you only insult and criticize the people you feel threatened by. So that you make yourself believe they are worse off than you are, resulting in you feeling better about yourself, that you're greater. Couldn't you find a less destructive way to help yourself? People who don't know how you work (or should I say, have not been stupid enough to have more than one experience with you) can take your shit pretty hard. And for what? So you can feel good? In the end you still know yourself that you don't think highly of yourself because you know that you are killing others to feel self-satisfaction.

It's so clear. I can't believe I took so long to see this. You're only more or less constantly great friends with people who are ready to kiss your ass, wipe your ass and eat your shit. You use your temper to manipulate these people. And the people you know you can to make yourself feel better without insulting, you treat so well. (Sadly you clearly think these people as lesser people, I'd beg to differ).

I've given up on you and me. I think I did quite a while ago. I don't need you in my life. You're just always around. And your life coincides with mine in many indirect ways. It's as if I see you everywhere I go. You're a constant reminder of a lot of the pain I've gone through these recent years. I can't wait until we split for good. Please don't come to the school I'm going to. I wish I could break all ties, but that would be too many friends to lose.

No anger here, no. I'll never run out of ammo, but I don't plan to use it. Carry on, be yourself. I don't care. I'd just appreciate it greatly (more than you can imagine) if our lives became completely separate.

2010-05-14T23:22:00.002+08:00

Be careful what you wish for cos you just might get it.

And if you get it then you just might not know what to do with it.

Cos it might just come back on you tenfold.

I SAID.

Be careful what you wish for cos you might just get. And if you get it then you just might not know what to do with it. Cos it might just come back on you tenfold.

Can't stop

2010-05-12T23:12:00.002+08:00

WELL. I had fun today. (;

Regina, Diane and Julianna came over today for some jamming. We were short of a mic. Yeah..

We were practising for Fiesta. Yeh! PPL come watch us (; (; (: (; (; (; PLEASE (; (; (; (; (; (;

Today was packed full of FUN and games. >.>... YES it was. Hmm. I'm feelin' a l'il crazy. (;

Tomorrow will be a full day of STUFF too! Appointment at KKH in the morning followed by lunch and after with z family (the best ever) and then jamming with Axis at night. TIRED much? But it'll be worth it for a good day! (;

Friday... Friday is a different story. ); Damn.

Crawl under

2010-05-10T20:27:00.002+08:00

I'm here, yet again. :/

I SHOULD BE STUDYING PoA. And I'm not because... I don't know...~

Met up with Kinny today. <3>

Tomorrow's the last day of exams! ); Damn. School curriculum will resume, right? I HATE SCHOOL... What a positive outlook.

Well since tomorrow's the last day and I have about a week to slack off, I'm going out with Sheryl Shen tomorrow. -spend $$$-

On Wednesday, I'm taking Susy to Macs breakfast and then getting a haircut (my fringe is so uneven). -spend $$$- then Regina, Diane, and I supposed Julianna (?) will be coming for jamming. Thursday I don't know what I'll be doing in the afternoon but in the night I'll be jamming at a studio with Axis. -spend $$$-

Friday I think I'll stay at home and force myself upon some art. -.-

So as you can see, I'm going broke. AHH. What's the point of saving when I'm going to use it on outings, I don't know! *shrug*

I'm getting slightly sleepy... at 8.42 PM. Strange..

I also have this feeling that my fan is going to spin off the ceiling and slice me on its way down. That would be... interesting. LOL.

Slick

2010-05-09T23:05:00.002+08:00

Exams are almost over, guys! We can pull through.

I think I can pass mid-years. Hopefully. (; I studied so hard! Harder than ever since sec three...

Jason's doing fine (not that you know who or what I'm talking about). He's improving, I assume. They don't tell me much because they don't think I can handle anything negatively major, being my 'O' level year and all. I think it's a family thing. My brother and I aren't meant to have a smooth-sailing 'O' level year. His was the year chairs were thrown and bags were packed. And this year is when all the emotional and physical complications rise. This ain't fun. It ain't fun at all.

Well, I'm on this tablet thing that I take every morning. I do believe it reduces stress and what not. Because I hadn't taken one today, and when I was practising bass I was SOOOO pissed off. Ahh, I'm a druggie now, am I?

I'm so excited for musical activity this week. 8D On wednesday, Regina & band are coming over to jam for our IJ Fiesta possible performance! This is funny because I'm the drummer for my band with Crystal, Maria and Claudia [Chia] as well...

So now I'm a drummer of three bands... *stress*

I'm bassing for one of the songs for The Setlists. Which would be my band with Regina. (;

Wednesday, The Setlists. Thursday, Axis [not at my house, duh]. And Friday would be invaded by Art. Which is what will be happening for several days a week through June. *FUCK ART - THE SUBJECT*

Agh. All these great artists you learn about in SOVA [which Mr Lim has deprived us sec fives from because clearly he doesn't think we are literate enough, probably. Which is ironic considering his English is beyond atrocious]? Inspired by Patricia's status, I agree: DID THEY EVER DO COURSE WORK? I BET NOT. Damn fuck shit.

UGHHH. When I graduate I'll draw a lot. I'LL DRAW about 100 different ways Mr Lim can friggin' die. I know he cares and stuff, but when he pushes us to get A's and yay we have a bright future, he isn't disadvantaged in any way. He just looks better on paper. After scarring us emotionally. Well, the select few of us since he's pretty biased in some ways.

I'll stop ranting about him now.

Must be happy. (;

I'm watching Nerimon and Charlieissocoollike on YouTube now. I need to sleep NOW. But I'm not done feeding my fish in Fishville on Facebook yet... I'm such a geek, I know.

Extra tuition tomorrow, for the exam on Tuesday! Scarie.

My laptop is seriously out of disk space and so are my external hard drives. Yes, I have more than one external hard drive. EVERYTHING IS OUT OF SPACE. Wtf do I put in these things? I'm not so sure myself. Must be my trigger-happy nature or something. When I take a camera with me and start snapping things, I don't quite stop... so if there are any events or such things, I'll come home with about a couple of hundred peektures ready to be uploaded. Not to mention now I have my iPhone, I have many more peektures to upload. This is unfortunate because THERE'S NO FUCKING SPACE for me to upload my peektures in anymore!!!!!!!

Can't wait to get my new laptop in September... (;

Nerimon's video is taking forever to upload. ); Unhappy! He's talking about the hung parliament in the UK. It's great for me to learn about UK politics (though I'm not a fan of politics in general, who the fuck cares how the country is run as long as there's no conflict) because I do plan to go there for further studies, provided I get into the course I want and do well...

AHH. It's 1AM and I'm not asleep. AGAIN.

You fucker you don't deserve.

Break it down

2010-04-28T19:54:00.002+08:00

Heyy. I haven't been here for a while? Alright, maybe not such a long time. A few days perhaps. Hmm.

There are so many songs I am in the process of learning. Which is not too fun. I am learning Miss Murder, It's My Life, Dancing Queen, Last of The American Girls, Know Your Enemy, Take Me Out, the rock version of Nobody [which would be Crystal's work, we shall try to get a copyright on that], Yellow, Hysteria and That Thing You Do for IJ FIESTA. Sounds fun. Very taxing..

Mid-years start tomorrow. English, which doesn't make a difference to me because I will have to wake up early for an appointment at KKH. My tri-weekly ones [does that exist]. After my appointment, I am going to dedicate the entire day to: SOCIAL STUDIES. Gawsh. So I have Jayni's SS textbooks, because mine seem to have vanished into thin air. I know one of 'em is in Coffee Bean somewhere. Well, it was. It's probably non-existent by now [let's hope they recycled it...]. I don't think I can study everything in one day. I can see my DPA chance flying away..

I've been really stressed lately. I don't like it. Things are so surreal now. My mum isn't working. My grandparents more or less stay over all the time now, while Hon is in Perth with my uncle. Now, my uncle is another surreal story that I don't wish to share. My brother is in OCS [officer cadet school, after Basic Military Training. OCS is for the top 10% mmmhmm] and gonna be a Navy Officer if things go well. I've experienced violence in unexpected circumstance. There is a bass guitar in my room. I feel I have a chance of getting an A for something. I've been sleeping before 11PM recently.

Yes, sure. It's nothing to y'all [whoever is reading this]. It's something to me.

This is so fucking weird. I can hardly believe it's happening. No, you don't need to know. Nope..

Here's a concept that works. What I see you see differently. (;

My mum is behind me, sleeping curled on my pillow... She looks so distressed. I don't like this. I hate the look of some sort of affliction [might that be the right word...] on her face, even when she's resting! AHH.

GDM. Fuck it. I'm working towards something, I must achieve it. At least I'll add a little more light to her life.

Lala. I'm supposed to be happy right?

HEYY. 8D

Haha. Youtube is great. Definitely.

Look these people up. They're friggin' awesome. There are a few I can't remember though.. );

- charlieissocoollike [we all know I LOVEEE this dude]

- pyrobooby [Peter chao, yeah you can just search for that]

- winterspringpro

- realannoyingorange

- nerimon [fuckin' awesome too]

- captainvalor

Like you knew it would

2010-04-22T22:34:00.003+08:00

I think today was great, overall. Spent lunchtime laughing with Regina and Petrina. They're awesome, I swear! We were laughing until we were all crying. HAHA. Tears in our eyes from laughter. It's better than anything! And it all started with a normal topic of conversation. HAHA. My gosh, I loved it. We sat in the canteen for practically an hour, cracking up! We were laughing all the way until we split. 2nd and 4th level. ); Then things weren't so fabulous. >;(

"I'll tell Mr L__ you didn't do anything".

Yeah, what's new? -.-

If you're not happy, tell me you're not happy like today. That was better than not saying anything and then complaining. Complain and complain and I don't even know you're complaining because I don't know I did something wrong! Omg. I thought you were better than that. I guess it's all art teachers. -formed stereotype-

Yes, well. Who cares anymore. Ladeeda. Fuck it. (; I have my weekend.

So today was kinda unusual? The day started with Ng shifting seating positions. In the end we were in halves. Slanted, with about 5-6 to a row, connected. If you look at it from a certain angle, we were rows of arrows? Sort of. I was sandwiched between Hui Quan and Claudia. Funky. Claudia and I were partners in P6. However, this time she was on my right. In P6 she was on my left. This was rather inconvenient because she's a lefty. ); *clash*

Math left me in a whirl of confusion. ); x 100000

I don't think I will ever understand Completing The Square. );

Geography was pretty stressful! Writing like a mad man and my essay looked more like scribbles... Then again, doesn't my handwriting always? :/

Hmm.

PoA was funky. Brenda and I were laughing our asses off. At first she was laughing at me, then somehow we were laughing a lot?? I don't get it but it was funny.

Bio was weird. The teacher was suddenly so open about her engagement. I guess the bridal show inspired her? HAHA. After Bio (last period) was a spotcheck. F&N girls were subtly warned yesterday but Art girls had no idea. Unfair much?

Anyway, everyone panicked for some reason. I think it's a natural reaction to panic whether you have 'illegal' devices with you or not when you're a student, right? Haha.

Complicated stuff. Blah blah blah.

After art, went for dinner with the tuition dudes minus Brenda. Swensens ftw. At bishan.. ??? Lol. Cos it's close to AMK which is where we were headed for tuition.

I feel smarter after every tuition lesson. Ain't it great? I understood Bank Recon in 2 hours. Something I should've known from sec 3. (; Then again I don't think I know anything from sec 3 if it hadn't been recovered last or this year. Funny? (;

I think there's more to it though.. );

Looking forward to tomorrow I guess? Principal's talk (not so relaxing though, pressurized to look presentable and what not) followed by SS (first subject, keep counting), followed by Mother Tongue DURING WHICH I AM TOTALLY FREE (not counted as a subject), followed by recess, after which is English DURING WHICH I AM TOTALLY FREE (not counted as a subject), followed by PoA (second subject, you're done counting). Woots.

I love my fridays.

My back hurts a lot. ); And my hip is acting up again, troublesome to walk around the house. );

It's past 11! I should be asleep! This is what happens when you're out til dark. );

I'm not even going to start on yesterday's events. That dude should really get out of this convent. We're not here to learn vulgarities and how to throw chairs.

2010-04-19T21:42:00.001+08:00

stress.

If I had one wish, I'd wish to drop dead and not be mourned for.

Clear

2010-04-14T23:20:00.003+08:00

Years and years.

The last time I saw you, was the year tragedy struck for us all.

The next time I see you would be the next time tragedy strikes us. With a greater magnitude.

Now I wouldn't say I've never experienced this before, but never so close to me.

So close that it really makes a difference.

If I could, I would. Absolutely. But I can't. As much as a priority you are, no one is going to agree that I should travel and sacrifice a competition & exams.

This year of all years. Is this testing my coping skills?

Live life to the fullest. You'll never know when it's gonna end, and even if you do you may not be in the condition to do what you've always wanted to.

Charlieissocoollike

2010-04-13T20:43:00.003+08:00

Let's start with some random information? And then we'll move on to the main point (not that there was a planned one) of this post.

I'M ADDICTED TO SOLITAIRE. I use about half of my iPhone battery on this game!

Still addicted to Charlieissocoollike.. (; *sigh*

Well, well, well, what have we here? ); Adverse reactions ey. Not nice not nice.

IT DOESN'T CHANGE THE PERSON I AM Y'KNOW. -_-

St Pat's concert yesterday. It's still awesome, as usual. I appreciate the opportunity to have gone yesterday. (; I haven't been to a St Pat's concert for about FIVE years! They did We Will Rock You (I'm not sure if that's the real title, but it's the main lyric so whatever) which they'd done YEARS ago (about 6, 7? years ago) except this time they compiled it with songs like We Are The Champions (still not sure of the title) and Another One Bites The Dust (totally unsure of the title). (;

Of course, these some several years ago when they did We Will Rock You, it was the whole song. (; And the best saxophonist (not being biased, he got many solos and many funky extras) stood up to RAP it, baby! -hearts-

VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION: I was sitting 4 seats away from the Guest of Honor! I was laughing at my bandmates (I was the only Percussionist. Obviously everyone else goes with their section... Bottom line; I was alone) on the first tier with their $10 tickets (cheapest). Cheapskates LOSE! I bought the $25 one, lo and behold! Guest of Honor. I was supposed to be practically beside him, but some woman came and moved me to the side cos the Guest of Honor would have had to "move past" me to get to his seat. WTF. I PAID FOR MY TICKET, bitch! )';

Everything was still just fine! (; I WAS STILL IN THE BEST ROW IN THE HOUSE.

So, enjoyed the concert. Their Merry Widow Selections was SUPERB. I was disappointed, though.. Mildly. It was basically a St Pat's Alumni Band concert cos they played more than the St Pats Military Band. -_-

And they had St Stephen's Primary perform too! Y'know what!? They're better than us! NO SHIT. >.>

Of course, I know we will never survive Glosz because we're petty, spoiled, totally not serious (hate to say it, just look...) brats. We'll all cry in 2 minutes. -_- It's OK! We must persevere!

WE MUSTN'T GIVE UP JUST BECAUSE ST PAT'S IS COMPETING AGAINST US IN SYDNEY. UGH. Everyone's attitude is: Ah forget it what's the point, St Pat's is gonna own us.

Um, WHERE'S THE EFFORT to even TRY to beat them? *tense*

OK. Chill...

(;

I'm supposed to be doing Math now... I'm supposed to be doing Art now...

I will never make it to DPA this way. Ahhh. Kill me. No, it's OK, I didn't mean to trouble you. I'll do it myself, thanks.

My mundane existence on this earth.

2010-04-11T01:29:00.001+08:00

Omggg. Hahaha he's damn cute. *hearts and hearts*

Results?

2010-04-10T22:21:00.001+08:00

He's a smart kid. Mmmmhmm

Escaping

2010-04-10T22:01:00.002+08:00

Understanding teenage boys. I love this dude, seriously. I've been watching his vids all day today. D; (not to mention his british accent, we all know it's lovely). He lives in Bath, if I'm not wrong.

Have y'all ever had Wine Gums? Say, from Marks & Spencer's or Candy Empire?

(; Yay.

Caving in

2010-04-08T20:39:00.003+08:00

Hey, keep your head high. Don't be too upset. However likely it is for myself to carry it out, I would never want you to.

It's interesting how I worry about all this more than my own. Hmm.

If I could, if you would, I'd do my best to.

If you've got one reason

2010-04-06T22:57:00.002+08:00

No, no this can't happen. I hope and pray that it's a prank or really short-term.

So hey hey.

I'm feeling pretty morose these days. Any explanation? Not quite...

Perhaps I'm entering a couple of weeks of negative feelings. This cycle doesn't seem to end? People say it's normal, well I don't like it.

I'd have a few weeks of happiness and contentment, and somehow I'll transit into a storm that lasts pretty long. About the same amount of time as the joy.

How is this normal? I really don't get it.

I think I'm just odd.

So I get a little snappier, a lot more sensitive, and extremely insecure.

Sigh.

Lately the feeling's been lonely. I can be surrounded by all my 'friends' but I'll still feel pretty alone? Weird as it is. Something is missing...

I just wanna curl up on my bed and do nothing, think about nothing, talk about nothing, feel nothing... Wouldn't life be much too easy if we all could do that?

I think too much.

Someone kill me now? I'm begging please.

You needn't miss me or think about me. Just forget me.

That you'd probably just shred up

2010-04-05T00:55:00.002+08:00

My insecurities are flooding back in. I thought I'd lost 'em for a while. Sigh. Will I never be fully secure? Then again, I don't think anyone can be fully secure. Those who seem to be, are overly secure which show signs of deep insecurity...

Too complex for my mind to process at one AM.

I'm waiting for my Pattypan Squash in Farmville to be ready to harvest before I throw in the towel. ); 76%. I think I've to wait until um.. 2? Or so... );

I don't know why I'm here. I'll go now.

2010-04-03T01:45:00.002+08:00

Hello. (;

I haven't updated for a while, have I?

Last Friday, my mother bought us an iPhone using her $200 voucher. We were going to use it on any phone my brother wanted, but he couldn't make a choice. The iPhone is shared amongst us, awesome family. I've got the first round. (; Cos I know how to use it. Mmhmm. Many people find it pointless to have an iPod Touch AND and iPhone. Which is reasonable. But they don't know that the iPhone isn't MINE. So I can't put all my shit in it. The iTouch is for all my shit, and the iPhone is just for me to have fun texting and calling like an iDiot. (; Not to mention the iPhone battery depletes really fast...

School has been stressful, but what's new eh? Art's a killer as usual. Math is crazy. Sigh.

Mum's birthday falls on Easter, finally! It's always been during lent, so she always had to celebrate later. This year, her birthday falls on the most important Christian holiday. (Y) Wonderful isn't it?

Fantasia was a blast. I fucked up a lot.... but I think we ended good. Percussion (only) concluded the concert with Poker Face, our busking piece. (; That is one Fantasia to remember, baby!

I've just run out of things to say.. Hmm.

Everyone, buy guitars from Crystal. (; hhhahaha.

My plans for the weekend ain't much, really. Tomorrow it's breakfast (8.30! wth) with the mother, uncle and brother.

AHYES.

MY BROTHER.

HE'S PLATOON BEST!!!! So on the day of his POP (Passing Out Parade) WE (grandmother and I) GET TO SIT ON A GRAND STAND AND WATCH HIM RECEIVE A PLAQUE. Fuck yeah!

This is why my brother is so fucking fantastic.

Eee I just realised... this means my mother's gonna be in Perth real soon. );

I'LL MISS HER. );

Can't wait for her birthday lunch on Sunday though. (; Sunday would be fun, tomorrow wouldn't. );

Way to go with the opposites. Tomorrow's a breakfast and a "midnight" Easter Vigil. Sunday's a birthday lunch and then dinner with Aloysius. Sunday's got more things going on. Tomorrow is dedicated to ART. ARRRRGH. As if we do nothing but Art. It's a holy weekend, Catholics have THINGS TO DO. -.-

I wish I could just disappear...

Like, forever....

(;

2010-03-27T00:09:00.002+08:00

Hello people who read this. (;

I'm tired, yet awake at 1AM. Doesn't make sense, does it? Well, Farmville is freezing on me and I'm waiting for it to start moving. Tomorrow it's a day that lasts more than 12 hours. From roughly 9AM to roughly 11PM. They should let us go home to bathe and return at CJC, that way we would be much more presentable than sweaty, tired, hair-turned-disobedient. -.-

The school day today was slacked but the time after that was stressful. ); In school it was merely SS and PoA. Cos I've got Mother Tongue and English free. Mother Tongue was before recess and English was after so I had 8 free periods. We watched a movie for English anyway. Good movie. (; Fell asleep during PoA. How can I be tired on the most slacked day of the week?

After school, went to the band room straight. Did art while waiting for someone to unlock the door to the band room. Sectionals until about 530PM. Yeah left at 5.30 to meet Jadon at Serangoon. Faster than I thought. Hmm. Did Art while waiting for Jadon to arrive. By which was the time I was supposed to meet Clement. *ah!* Rushed-ish (can't move too fast) back to Toa Payoh, to get the tickets from Clement at Burger King. Walked less than a minute to "outside bread talk". Haha, Monica's favorite meeting point in Toa Payoh.

Went home, changed to shirt and shorts. Headed to Tampines Mall with my brother and mother. (; We spent almost all our time there in Starhub. Doing some renewal of plan or something. With which we spent a $200 voucher. (; ON WHAT. GUESS WHAT.

iPhone.

Amazing. We're sharing it. The family. I have this nagging feeling that it'll end up in my hands most of the time. Oh no. );

My eyes are stinging. I am tired. I never seem to escape from stress mode. AHHHHHHH. I need a break, a real good break.

With a sigh

2010-03-26T00:04:00.003+08:00

Good evening, people!

Lately, it's been really hectic what with the busking, Fantasia and schoolwork. It hasn't gone to waste (yet)! We raised more than $360 from our busking! Percussion is too cool for commercial fundraisers. We did it the real way. These are the kinds of things schools won't teach you with whiteboards and textbooks. This is why Band is fantastic. (;

Well, our proceeds will go to the band fund. We do wish it would go to Percussion. I mean, they spend so much money on reeds and repairing brass and woodwind instruments. What about Percussion? When an auxiliary percussion (for example) breaks, it's our fault. When a valve or something is stuck, it's wear and tear. Tell me, is that fair? Anyway, we really need more/new sticks and perhaps new mallet percussion. New Timpani drums, I feel, are unnecessary because our current ones function fine. One of our black, plastic Xylo/bells sticks broke in half. The top half looks like a lollipop but that's besides the point. Sir keeps asking us (unnecessarily repeatedly, mind you) if we have transparent sticks and we keep saying, 'no.' Can we get a pair, please? If it is important such that Sir prefers it most of the time, why don't we get 'em? It's ironic, though. How we get a new drum set and we are going to get new Timpani drums when both the old drum set and current timpani drums weren't and aren't spoiled or in need of any replacement of repair. And how the snare drum from the old drum set is still used when that was the only drum that was really broken, with a hole. HAHA.

Well, I shan't say anymore about band. I can talk forever when it comes to band. I don't know why. Oh, but I must say this: Fantasia VII is SOLD OUT. Mmhmm. Well done, band (though no one's gonna see this).

I don't like our new time table for school. ); We start a brand new week with... ART. Wtf? What a way to start a day let alone a week! I declare Thursday the worst day of the week now. Every day there is at least one 'slack' subject, for me at least? It's either Mother Tongue, English, or things like PE, CE, Assembly etc. Thursdays? Thursdays? NOTHING. The day starts with HHF which isn't slacked, really. It's either contact time (requires attention), or exercise (can't do as one likes). HHF is followed by Chem, which is uber tiring. I never fail to become VERY sleepy during Chem. I believe it is a mix of my lack of understanding, and the subject's dryness. After Chem is Math. I hate this combination. Chem makes my brain leak out of my ears and my eyelids so heavy that they fall off my face. There is no time to freshen up between Chem and Math. Therefore, Math is a blur. Why won't these IT geniuses create a 'therefore' symbol key? You know, the three dots in a triangular shape?

Anyway, after Math is Geog. Sometimes Geog can be tiring cos we aren't doing much. Just listening. However, our teacher seems to have taken a slightly different approach this year. After recess is PoA. Sigh. PoA's effect on my level of alertness varies. On Thursdays it'll be really low? Cos I'd be really tired. I'll be falling asleep. Which isn't going to change when we start on Bio. );

It sucks to sleep in class. Damn, do I know the result of that. It's not good. Not good at all. Sigh. I'm trying. I really am.

Well, after Bio, which take our last three periods/blocks (20 minutes, what do you wanna call that), is Art all the way!

I keep thinking of dying. (; Isn't it the easiest way to solve everything? Do anything and everything you've ever wanted, and then disappear forever. People will get over it, in time.

-Change topic- it's getting a bit morbid I think?

I've been playing Plants VS Zombies a lot lately. (; It's awesome! I've found the best way to make money. With the help of cheats... Makes life so much easier. Sigh. How stupid. This is what I do into the midnight. It's almost 1AM and I'm playing PvZ. -.- I need to lock up this contraption called a laptop. );

Well, I should throw in the towel soon. Snuggle up in my comfy bed in my cosy room and slip into deep sleep.

2010-03-22T01:19:00.002+08:00

It's late and I'm still here. Hmm. Not good. );

I just realized, the vacuum cleaner has been in my room for the past few days. WHY?!?!

It's in the corner of the carpet I put my drum set on, beside the door.... Strange. It's been there for days, and I keep thinking it'll be gone the next day. And today I noticed it's been there. Faithfully.

HAHA. Interesting. Ahh should sleep now. );

Comedy is awesome. (Y)

2010-03-20T18:21:00.001+08:00

I'm here cos.. I haven't been here in a while. So band camp was fun. We never got round to taking a section peekture. -.-

I don't think the band is ready for our concert. $#%& it.

2010-03-15T22:21:00.001+08:00

I hate false modesty. It's just another way to lie.

If I look out for only myself, I would've let you drown. But I didn't, I wanted you to succeed.

My mistake.

2010-03-13T23:43:00.002+08:00

I've been thinking about Sims all day! OH MY GOD. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME. I NEEEEEEEEEEEED TO PLAY SIMS. It's like how you crave a food and you keep thinking about it and once you eat it you don't care much about it anymore.

I can't stand it! AHH. ); SIMS isn't installed in any of the computers in my house. ); I can't pacify this enormous craving and urge. It's killing me!!!!!!

2010-03-13T19:09:00.002+08:00

Watching Romeo And Juliet now. 8) The cooler version. HAHA. I love the poetry luh.

Thy Juliet is alive, there art thou happy. Hehe.

Such a sad yet empowering story. Mmhmm.

Fever! ); Just a slight one. True enough, when I woke up from my nap, my grandmother and mother were fussing all around me. 8|

Grandparents are coming over soon. (; Gonna watch Ugly Betty with 'em while eating. Oh, have I mentioned, my "Tab" key came out. D; Like my "Shift" and ";" key last time. This "Tab" key is the first to come out since the computer guy replaced my keypad. There was something wrong with the display thing, and the battery thing. While I was in school, some computer guy came over to fix it. So I guess he saw the keypad in bad condition and replaced it. Why would he bring an extra keypad around..? HAHAH. I know he didn't just replace the keys cos everything looked brand new, much cleaner too. Including the track pad and all. (; I've taken better care of my laptop k. (; The keypad lasted longer than a year before its first key got detached. D;

So tomorrow, gonna meet Clement for tickets and then head to AMK/YCK for PoA tuition. I did the homework faster than I thought I would have. D; Does this mean something bad... );

Farmville is SO SLOW today! ); Lag lag lag. Grr! Anyway. I think I'll do more work. Spread the workload out! (; Art is a whole different story though. Super lazy to do it. Then again, super lazy to do SS and Chem too. Asked my aunt to help me with Chem. Go through the papers with me. Cos I'm pretty much clueless as to what they're even asking for. D; I hope she's free sometime in the week when I'm free too! She's so busy. And nowadays I'm getting busier and busier too. );

I guess I should really give up Facebook games... A bit difficult eh... HEH. Or I might give my grandmother (other) my password... So my feesh don't die and Farmville continues to climb up the ladder of levels! 8D

What homework should I do next... *thinks*.

Lazy. ); Don't wanna. Must. Don't wanna. Must. );

I guess I should get to it then.

Every fucking day and night

2010-03-13T11:04:00.002+08:00

I think I'm getting sick. );

Didn't go for Honour's Day today. Hip too painful, crutch-ing around the house last night. Couldn't sleep, kept waking up. 2.29AM, 3.15AM, 4.49Am. Do we see a pattern here? 8( 2.29, 4.49... :/

Woke up at 5AM. 6.17AM. Ughhh. Then I gave up on looking at the time. Simply couldn't sleep. Tossing and turning. Sniffling like mad. D; My nose hurts and my throat hurts. My voice is weird. Hmm. Hate it. ); Even better, my mother didn't even notice. ); They'd notice if it were my brother sniffling so much. >;(

It's okayyy, they never paid much attention to things about me they didn't know. If they knew they'd do something, or else they simply wouldn't notice.

I'm coughing too. ); Started yesterday. It's like, I just can't enjoy life. I was so happy that holidays were here. I accepted the workload. But no. I've to get sick too. Very nice, just superb.

Hip, damn painful. Back hurts. Nose and throat hurt. Ears blocked. Legs are painful. AHH.

I wish I could just fly. Like one of those superpower shits. Ah yes, the area between my shoulder blades and my neck. That area hurts too. Hmph.

Doctor says no running, no jumping, no climbing, no heels, blah blah. No heels! ); Band uniform has heels.. And CJC has stairs. ); Must tell the school, or I'd have to climb stairs to the fourth level. Hm. I hope my class doesn't hate me for this. Having to move everything down. );

My crops in Farmville wilted. ); Cos I couldn't harvest them last night. ); Damn.

Ahh. Neck hurts... );

2010-03-12T21:21:00.003+08:00

Hello, whoever reads this. (;

My hip is getting worse. My MC is long-term. So long term that it exceeds the time I would need it until. (; All the way to August! HAHA. It's funky, but it does mean that something is very wrong with my hip muscle... );

These are back again. );

Last day of school today! Wasn't a great day, but I felt a sense of relief at hand. (; Something was coming! RELAXATION. D; Survived 10 weeks (Y)

Loads of holiday homework, of course. Chem was crazy. Four TYS (ten year series) papers plus 2 papers plus 2 or 3 worksheets! We don't only take one subject, though most of our teachers act that way. It's for our own good, I'm just not used to this pressure and workload. ); Math, it's about 70 sums. Art is gonna kill every art student in my class. For sure. PoA isn't so bad. Gotta revise Geography, hardcore. Test first thing when we get back! two SEQ questions for SS, plus personal summary for 2 chapters. Then there's the time to use for studying extra, and practising for Fantasia... Art is the worst. AHH. Must buck up. ); 3/5 is not bad, but it's not good. Must pass combined subjects! I should consider myself lucky, not doing two subjects and all. That's a lot blocks free. But I get tired and sleepy. All to my own fault, of course. -.- Must give up Farmville... );

I'm not happy with the new time table! );

Art is first thing first day! WHAT THE FUCK.

It's not so bad though, I guess. Overall.

There's always a break. Hard to explain but yeah. (;

I realised this afternoon that there isn't one day that I have nothing on at all. ); I hate busyness.

Monday there's PoA tuition. Tuesday there's Math class. Wednesday there's jamming. Thursday thru Saturday is band camp. And school reopens.

I've been thinking about Sims a lot recently. ); I've this fear that by the time O's are over, all the sims 2 expansions would've ceased production and only sims 3 expansions would be available! I'm trying to buy them all now but not play them yet. (; Waiting for my new laptop, then I'll install sims, sims and more sims. 8)

My laptop has no more disk space. It is rebelling against me. I can't even rotate a peekture anymore. Must delete shit loads of things. ); Gotta go develop soon! Then I can delete many many more folders without losing proof of memories.

Oh well. Here I go, deleting shit. Baiiiiii.

2010-03-11T21:58:00.002+08:00

Heya friends. (;

Sorry for being so beeetchy today. );

Bad mood I think. I don't know why.

Busking is ON. (Y) We got the green light from Chan. Mmmhmmm. I love percs arh.

Macs for lunch. Yupyup, we're awesome. Heather and I went to Braddell's Macs and got 20-piece nuggets and 2 large fries. Plus 2 apple pies for Heather and Kia Ying. LOL. Still gotta work on I Got A Feeling.. And others. (;

Went for tuition~

Funky shit. Ate random Indonesian nuts and beans. O.O

Kacang Oven?? And some Koro something. Nice though unknown! LOL

Today it was WAY quieter than usual though. I was screwed up, no energy. Brenda doesn't say much anyway, she's very serious about her work. (Y) Regina was really tired. And since we three said nothing, Jeannette said nothing too. HAHAH. Oh well.

Mum sent Regina home. Mum got lost. Twice. Mum got grumpy. );

Watched Glee. Oh man. The actress for Quinn Fabray (Dianna Agron) is soooo.... Mmhmm. Shan't say. (; love her ttm sial.

2010-03-10T20:29:00.002+08:00

I know I'm full of crap and I'm sorry.

BUSKING IS COMING! D; D; D; D; D;

So today was a REALLY tiring day. Nah, it wasn't actually.. Just that my hip could possibly have killed me. (; HAHAH. Nehh. (wtf I keep contradicting myself)

It hurt a lot today. ); I wish I could just sit on a wheelchair and have it steer itself, able to go up steps and all too. But it's Ok. Took the lift up and down to and from the band room. Kills to climb up to class. D;

Since I've relied so much on my left leg/hip, NOW IT HURTS. Grr. Am I simply not meant to have legs?

Anyways! Won't die, won't die. Can't die anyway, whose legs can kill them. -.-

Band was interesting today. Mmhmm. Mary Poppins! And we let Sir listen to two of our busking songs. Hmmm. My hip hurt too much. ); In the beginning, I took one of the square pillows and put it a space between the Perc stools. I sat there cos there was nothing for me to do, not much at least. Got tired... Almost fell asleep. Then I had something to do so I got up. In the end, behind the cymbals was a chair with a back (y'know y'know... wooden chair with the backing yeah I think some clarinetist sat on it before, the really big clarinet, long too. My memory fails me) with a pillow on it. Ahhhhhhh, so comfortable. (Y)

Went for dinner with Crystal. Mos Burger yeah! Corn soup ftw. (Y)

We bought the $1 M&Ms from the weird machine thing near Body Shop on the way to Mos Burger. HAHA. I noticed just now that I used up ALL MY COINS in ONE DAY. Power.

Recess, paying Nurriny back, random expenditures, the M&Ms.... Hmm. I think I'm left with one ten-cent coin and 2 five-cent coins. :/

I'm so tired. I can only hope I am getting sick. Surely I'm not. Sometimes I wish my immune system weren't so strong. );

I'm getting tired. Lazy to type.

Bye people. Whoever reads this. (;

hahaha. So excited for busking. I know we'll rock the foyer/canteen and raise a lot of munnaye. <3> cos P-R=A

If you let me be

2010-03-09T23:44:00.002+08:00

I feel so tired. I feel sick. I feel lazy. I feel happy. I feel annoyed. I feel angry. I feel restless. I feel uncomfortable. I feel disgruntled. I feel lousy. I feel excited. I feel moved.

I don't get it. Do you?

Things don't seem to be happening in my life, things that would tip me over. But somehow I just don't feel right. There's this perpetual discomfort in me every day, all day. I just need to let it all out and I can't. I can't get into a good position to sit, or sleep even.

I feel stressed. I think I'm jealous. I feel unloved. I feel funky. I feel incomplete.

Would you like to explain this to me?

I can't understand the conflicting emotions I'm having.

It would be a relief if I were schizophrenic. (Y)

I'd rather be clinically insane than go through this as a normal person, cos it's hard. Though I know I'm not the only one, to each his own.

I realised, today, while talking to Diane at Macs today that this year hasn't been too bad. (;

We were looking back on my life experiences in sec 2, 3, 4, and whatever has passed of this year.

So this year doesn't seem bad, if you were to compare. Of course, I don't think I could ever put it all in words to fully express in intricacy how I felt and what had happened.

I think I'll change the "title" of this blog. Now it's "you can sit beside me when the world comes down". I wanna change it. Any suggestions?

I don't think anyone responds but whatever. Lol.

I've been looking into my near future. I noticed something. DAMN, AM I BUSY. -.-

Art (killjoy), band (concert + Sydney), Axis, schoolwork, extra classes, tuition... Ahh.

I'm having second thoughts about Sydney. What if I don't go? Would there be a difference in my grades? I should think so.

Yes. Not going to Sydney would probably fetch me better grades. However, I've already signed up for this and I can't back out. I've already pledged my allegiance to partaking in the competition. AHHH.

I'm failing O's. Bravo, bravo. *clap clap*

(;

Rock on, awesome people.

2010-02-24T21:56:00.002+08:00

When you turn around, can you recognize my face?

Omg. I am so sleepy. I now believe that Farmville is taking its toll on me. ); I'm here, because I need/want to harvest my crops (grapes, to be exact). Yes. Sad, ain't it?

Was watching American Idol with my mum, while eating dinner. Shortly after, I was so sleepy! The same kind of sleepy that I get in class (and damn, that's so sleepy) when I can barely keep my eyes open. I rested on the arm of the couch and I guess I fell asleep. Cos I woke up to Susy, waking me up. I hadn't washed up yet. HEH. :/ So I went to wash up, and now I'm here. When washing up doesn't wake me, and the COMPUTER doesn't wake me... I'm too sleepy to handle tomorrow without sleeping early. Yup. Once I've harvested my grapes, and fed my fish (feeeeshville) I'm throwing in the towel. (Y) Early night after how many months...

Band today was rather unusual. The band wanted to wish Sir a happy birthday (which was on Monday but we don't see him on Mondays) so they spent half an hour planning. Good time management -.-

Plan: Whack gong, sing happy birthday. Section Leader refused to be the one to whack the gong (afraid of idkwhat much....) so I did. (; It's fun. haha. We haven't used the gong for such a long time! It was amusing to watch Cherie and Kelly all jittery and anxious about Sir coming up. (Y)

Der Vogelhandler all day today. Why is it that it's always main band days, with Sir, that Josephine doesn't come! ); I need my bass drummer! (; Yes, she's lucky she got her M&C on Monday. *narrow eyes*

Rena played bass drum today, and Denise improved so much on the crashing cos Heather and Kia Ying taught her together. Denise got SO MUCH better over a 10 minute break. Don't underestimate the power of the senior and junior percussionists!

No Perc dinner today. I don't think that has happened for quite a while now.... We've always been having Perc dinner. So I guess I can say that today was an unusual Wednesday. With Regina absent too. );

My knee hurts. Bring on rounds for HHF tomorrow man, I wanna see how long I'll last. ); There are so many things wrong with me that makes running really difficult. BUT! Exercise is the way to go to make it better. What these professional people don't understand is that, I can't CHOOSE how much I wanna exercise. I'm in school, ever heard of it? There isn't much freedom in school. -.-

AHH. Must plow, must plant....

Ciao. );

You are wonderful

2010-02-23T18:54:00.004+08:00

Woots! (; I took the circle line home today. It's unusual cos I love the long ride home via Red+Purple lines, or 153. I don't like the circle line. It's too fast! Well, I wanted to be home EARLY but I needed to drop by somewhere to get a birthday present for a certain someone whose birthday is the day before the day I'm going to Udders with her. (hmmmmmmmm).

SO! I was waiting for 153, so I texted Susy to meet me at Hougang Interchange at 3.30. It was about 2.40 when I texted her. Well, I had JUST missed the bus. I waited until 2.44 (yes... rare but reasonable impatience) and left. I decided to take the Circle line, cos... it's faster. By the time I was at Bishan it wasn't even 3 yet! It was 2.58. I was thinking, 'whoa...'.

Blah blah. I reached Hougang at about 3.14. I remember all this because somehow I just do... Strange isn't it? (;

Met Susy. I wanted to meet her cos I needed more money. I only had ten bucks with me, that wasn't enough to get what I wanted to get. I asked her to bring $15. Bought the gift and we were going to head home... but adjourned to Subway to get me a lunch sub. (; HAHA. They have student meals now! HAHA. Is it some sort of a trend or something? With the F&B outlets?

I got a Ham student meal. Typical me. D;

Sigh. Speaking of which, it's lent. ); And I haven't given up anything for lent. And, sad to say, I'm not going to... I feel so unholy. ); BUT NO. (; I'm not unholy. (; Hahah. I just... am not gonna give anything up... Heh? (;>

ANYWAY... Moving on. (;

Got a sub with a cookie and a drink. That's the meal deal. Haha. Went home (it's only what 5 minutes away) and sat at the kitchen counter, finishing my sub. Susy had eaten so nothing to worry about there.

After I'd eaten the sub (it was good.....), I started to practise. (;

Yay. HAHA. On my "free" days, my plan is to go home ASAP so I can practise. Cos y'know... drums and night time DO NOT go together AT ALL.

Practised and practised the songs for Axis. Damn, I'm still not on the ball with 'em all yet. )';

And there are a few songs that I don't have. ); I practise by blasting the songs into my ears via iPod. =D So not having the song is BOOOOOO.

I got tired so I walked around the house and came back to the drum set. (; I thought I'd practise Der Vogelhandler. (; I'm pretty satisfied, cos I can play through the whole song, in tempo with the iPod. (; But of course, there's always somewhere to improve on. My rolling needs work. D; When I'm done with that I'll work on rolling dynamics. HAHA.

Yes, so I practised Der Vogelhandler. I think I played it through about seven or nine times. It's too fun. HAHA.

When I got tired, I tried out A Little Piece of Heaven WITH the actual song. Die. No way. I can't play it in tempo. Then again, we don't have to for busking. We'd definitely go a lot slower than the original. Duhhh...

I feel that the band is so unsupported now. ); Kinny ain't coming for Fantasia (which is sad cos I'm playing her part for Vogel. D; Then again that would be extra pressure. But it'd be so much better if she could come) and Jayni doesn't wanna support our busking unless someone else goes with her. Still working on that one... Hmmm. *Checks if Veronica or Kinny are online*

Ticket sales for band concerts are going down. GRRRR.

It's OK. My awesome Elites promised they'd come. If they don't.. They better watch it.

I'm going for theirs too. (; Mmmmmhmmm.

Back to point. Wow, I've digressed so far.

After playing A L P O H, I was suddenly inspired to remind the section to practise for busking. Cos we've mastered Poker Face but nothing else. And busking's next week.

I know we can do it luh, it's time and effort that comes into play now.

I should be doing Art now... And Math. But I'm right here... waiting for you. Haha no luh. I'm right here playing Farmville. D; This is bad, very bad. ); Talk about distractions.

Sigh. There's band tomorrow. May all our moods be good and our morale high.

Yesterday.

Monday right... Yes, Monday.

I forgot about playing for morning assembly, I merely remembered I had to be in school early. Stupid, right? HAHA. So I climbed up the endless flights of steps to my classroom. And slept. I woke up a few minutes after 7AM (before 7.05, mind you) and what did I wake up to? I woke up to the sound of the band playing warm-ups. I thought to myself, "shit."

Lol, I sprang out of my seat and practically flew out of class. Then I realised that if I ran, I'd be panting and tired and sweaty when I reach the parade square. Change of plan, walk briskly. HAHA.

I love my friends. I really do. They were super encouraging, even at the most insignificant of time which brighten up my day. 8) They were telling me I was good and all that. Awwww. *big fat heart* Even if I don't believe it's true, they sure do.

Before Science Practical, Elites and I sat in the canteen. It's super funny. (;

And I drank out of two cups of milo, cos I asked the general Elite public to help me to buy Milo. Nurriny and Diane both came back with a cup. Oh wellz. 8D HAHAH.

Hmm. Nothing much happened in the course of the day.

Band! (; Got in at about 4+ cos of Chem Practical. Practised Der Vogelhandler with Josephine. (Y) Very good, the sec twos are getting better and better.

After band, almost everyone stayed behind to finalize Poker Face. It's our best busking piece. We played and played. And Zena got distracted with another band girl. And I shouted, "hurraye!!" And she ran away. HEHE. (;

Funky, cos I wasn't angry.

At first, Zena clicked. Then Zena played and Rachel clicked. Rachel got tired and Zena seized the opportunity to not play and click sticks. Puh! );

Our last run through was the best. (; Made Zena play drum set, substitute for Heather. Cos the drum set is the beat to follow.

We played through the whole song! (; And the people who were still in the band room, packing up/chatting were cheering for us when we had finished. What a full feeling. (; Awesome that we mastered Poker Face, so dinner was my treat to whoever was going for dinner. Mmmhmm. However, I didn't bring much in the first place. LOL. Went to Swensen's cos of Josephine's HARDCORE M&C craving. Dinner was fun, really fun. (; Hahah found out a lot of stuff. Ooh ooh. ^^

Josephine's M&C. (Do you see her SUPER SKINNY arm, I think it runs in her family, Nicole's another one).

Yesterday was also Rachel's birthday. I'd say it wasn't so bad [but idk what goes on in her mind]. (; Good Poker Face, almost-free dinner. HAHA. I'm glad Rachel likes the gift I got her. (; And I'm touched by the dedication on her blog. Yay *heart* Rachel. (;

^ See the birthday girl. Awww. HAHA.

Yes yes. Overall I love the section larh arh.. It's been getting better. (; Uphill baby!

Blogging takes up so much time. ); I took more than 4 hours on this post. );

Don't sweat it

2010-02-21T20:21:00.003+08:00

Did you know that when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

313 every Sunday with Dad. (; For the sake of using the coupons in the coupon booklet, which my Dad says is a waste of money. Being a business man and all, he doesn't think coupons save much. I guess he's right, but I'm a teenager and coupons are fun to use. Even if you don't, it feels like you do save something.

So TODAY, at 313, we used three coupons! (; Maggie Moo's ($2 off Fresh Escapes), Spice Box (my dad's meal, free $1 dollar drink with the meal), and Subway (for me, free SMALL drink with 6" sub or wrap. I had a sub, my usual Subway Melt).

Gawsh. I've been so stressed lately. ); Band 1 and band 2, SCHOOL (85% of stress is from this. Grrrrrrrr), ART (yes art is totally different from school, it's a whole new world of stress), PEOPLE....... And personal things. It could be that it's just me and poor time management, as it's always been.

Art is going to fucking make all my hair lose its pigment and all my eyes encircled with dark dark bags.

The section is killing me slowly. And I need to perfect my rolls! Grarh. >;(

School is school. Sigh. I don't understand things. I can't do Math properly, I don't understand PoA enough, I can't follow Chemistry, I can't remember anything for Biology, I'm not even allowed to sleep or even sit where I sit for ENGLISH (wth right, I'm not even taking the bloody subject, why can't I sleep huh! And what's wrong with where I sit, it's not my fault you put me in front and that my chair is a bright color, nor is it my fault that I need that chair in the first place), Geography is 0% absorption for my brain, SS is so confusing, and Art... Oh don't get me started on Art. Art has helped me to further believe that I do not think enough. Therefore not having any sense of deep thought nor creativity. TYVM. And band? Band is tiring, more on the heart than on the head.

CAs are coming. It's like a huge shadow of impending doom. Or a plague of some sort. Getting bigger as it draws near. Oh My God I am going to die. RUN. NO wait, I can't run. I turn around and it's an endless wall that interminably SIMPLY EXISTS. I do my best to conquer the war but I foresee a great loss and as a result, greater loss soon after.

Could I please just disappear for one week?

Don't close your heart

2010-02-16T00:16:00.001+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year.

And Happy Valentine's Day. (;

Well, happy is simply a word.

My Lunar new year hasn't been so great. It's been pretty bad, actually. So many things have happened that just signify future shortcomings and disasters. Oh well. Isn't it the perfect year for failure?

2010-02-12T20:50:00.005+08:00

I'm not something you can just turn on and off.

My day has been eventful! (; And pretty much my week, it being TDD (total defense day or as that unknown teacher called it, 'total day defense' haha) and all.

Mondays, in general, are good. Five blocks (20-minute periods, as they are now) of Mother Tongue before recess. That's six free blocks! (; If I'm not wrong, I slept the whole time... No wait. I don't even remember! My memory's failure is a burgeoning concern... Oh, and there was photo-taking for my class (5/1). (; I was not prepared. My hair was terrible, I wore my worst pinafore and I wore my semi-green (the effects of spray paint) shoes. ); And I was in front! All thanks to my lack of height. ); So my semi-green shoes were visible as ever. I enjoyed the group shots though. THE FAMILY <3

The four children, Audrey, Brenda, Jolene, Nurriny. Produced by four DIFFERENT men (wedlock much) because their mother is a slut mum, that would be me. :/ And my current husband who hasn't given me a child is Sacha! My Dad and Mum are Diane and Regina respectively. And suddenly I've got a sister, Cheryl Chong. HAHA. Complicated much. For the group shot, I remember Sacha and I did an infomercial pose. "(Y)(Y):D"

And on this Monday, Science practical was fun. Nurriny and I made an Onion bracelet for me. (; HAHA.

Tuesday was strange, cos we were told that we wouldn't be celebrating CNY and instead, we'd be having "Monday" lessons on Friday (today) to make up for the day they gave us off for the good O level results. Doesn't make sense, because what's the point of having given us the day off in the first place if they were gonna take it back? -.-

Wednesday was the "Tuesday was strange" sequel! HAHA. They changed their minds and decided, based on our feedback, that we would be celebrating CNY. It was really amusing. Ah, but Wednesday was the day. They did not give us any prior notice, so we weren't prepared for what was coming up. The canteen was closed and the PSG (parent support group) held a stall selling food, representing the black market (Nasi Lemak for SIX BUCKS). And two people shared one food ration coupon! All in the spirit of Total Defense... ); It's OK, though. I'd been bringing Chicken Pie (Polar ftw) to school for two weeks. (; After recess was five blocks of Art. Funny, funny. Regina and I sat together and we were SO retarded! Haha I love her, man. So freaking fun. Moreover, we DID do something. (; We didn't just go "all play no work" style. (; (;

After Art was assembly. So at about 1PM, some siren went off. I don't know if it was a fire alarm or if it was some Total Defense thing. Either way, we had to go to the hall (conveniently, it was raining which made it less suspicious that they just wanted a cool, theme-related way to get us into the hall for assembly) in an "orderly manner". (; REGINA WAS THE BEST, I swear! She got up right away and said, "c'mon people let's go!"

HAHAHAH.

Jeannette and Brenda returned from Councillor photo-taking afterwards, and Jeannette asked if she could eat her cup noodles (she brought 'em herself). Astro Boy said OK, eat at the stairs. Brenda hadn't eaten either. So, Jeannette offered to share. Brenda declined cos cup noodles is "so unhealthy". Picky sial! HAHA. So, Astro Boy asked some assistant teacher, "eh (__insert name here__), do you have a Snickers?" And the first thing I heard after that was "NO! ANIMAL TESTING!" From none other than.... REGINA. AWESOME, man. HAHAHHA.

A lot of stuff happened. I'm too lazy to narrate in detail. ); At first, Astro Boy told us to pack up to get ready to file to the hall. Minutes later, he said to continue with our work. So Regina was like, "Eh! First you tell us to pack up, then you tell us to do our work. What do you want!" while swaying her shoulders back and forth like a child. (; DAMN FUNNY. The whole class laughed.

Omg. Super funny. Then Regina and I were laughing and laughing about something. And Astro Boy commented on us. He said something about, us playing and whether we'd done anything. "Huh! Huh, Shannen did you do anything?" And I replied, "eh I did, K. I did the toning all!"

HAHAH. Good moods bring good memories. (; HAHHAHA.

Something else happened on Wednesday. ); In the morning, had a talk with Ng, with Diane and Petrina. About a little jewellery. ); I took it out and damn fuck, it closed. ); I'm so pissed off, yet sad. ); It's like a sense of loss. Can I hold on to anything that makes me happy for long? No... I enjoyed my CCA ttm until the politics soured it all. SO. I was super... Emotional. For a while... Then I put it aside until after school. That was when I learned that it had closed. And I was pissed off. And Crystal and Kia Ying kept telling me to chill. );

Band photo-taking too! (; Everyone was complaining about their fringes being ruined cos they had to be off our foreheads. But the group photo was awesome. PERCUSSION IS AWESOME AND ORIGINAL. Not preppy and whatever just smile smile MUST look glamorous all. (; We did Kia Ying's awesome pose. One eyebrow up and the 7 thing. Damn funny. Went for dinner at KFC with Crystal, Josephine, Patey and Rachel. (; I realise, I eat a lot and I eat slowly.

So this week was fun. I also learned that somehow I make good song titles. HAHAH. Apparently, I guess.

Regina and Nurriny like what I say. It's funny shit. (Y)

Regina: Harry Was The Stairs and Screamo Emo.

Nurriny: Slowly, but surely.

I'm pretty happy, then. (; That I'm humorous, at least. HAHAHAHHAHA.

"Harry Was The Stairs" came from when I heard what Regina had said, wrongly. Screamo Emo was random. And Slowly, but Surely was from what I said about something I do... HAHA.

Thursday (yesterday) was... Interesting. haha. Not that interesting, but good things came my way. (; PoA test results: 15/20. *jumps for joy...* =D Wowee!

Geography was funny. Teacher's assistant went around checking our books to see if we'd completed the 18 pages of the workbook. (I know right, eighteen pages, but it wasn't that bad).

Mine was incomplete. So the teacher's assistant wrote "incomplete" accompanied by a ":(" face, drawn vertically. DAMN CUTE. (;

English... I read my book for a while and had an awesome sleep. (; It's fantastic to have so many free periods. (; (;

TODAY. Haha. Funky.

CNY celebration + TDD.

Morning assembly dragged cos of the Red Cross and Girl Guides marching thing, plus the solo Cornet anthem thing? Followed by mass which was... Meh. Usual. (; I slept from 3/4 of the Homily to the time we had to kneel. :/);

After the mass was THE BEST.

OUR SCHOOL HIRED A PROFESSIONAL MAGICIAN (with his own theme song and introduction over the PA system, mind you) TO PERFORM FOR US!!!!!!!! Alex. (Y)(Y)

Recess was whatever. One hour though. (; Then it was the students' turn to perform. Red, Blue, Green, Yellow house all performed. I'm not quite sure about all that, I was asleep most of the time. :/

Went back to class when we were dismissed. Got 2009's school yearbook! (; FOUR photos of Diane and Regina together, and ONE FULL PAGE of JUST DIANE. Diane's someone important in this school eh? ^^

I realised something, when I was looking at the band photo. I'm right smack in the middle of the photo! HAHAH. (Y)

Omg this is such a long post...

Went to Vivo with Sheryl Shen! We were going to watch a movie, but got a shock at the massive number of people streaming through Vivo! ); At least 7 slots of each movie was selling fast and the one we wanted to watch was not at a good timing. );

Movie - Fail. Went to Candy Empire before we checked out the movies. (; Snickers (scroll up, oh the irony) and Jelly Beans!

We ate at Burger King. (; The queue was crazy, and there were no seats. So we did the Auntie thing. Stand around, silently but definitely pressurising the people to move faster and GO AWAY. Hahaha. So I secured a table, and Sheryl bought the food. After that, we headed to Toys "R" Us. Took peektures. (;

After which we adjourned tooooooooo... The rooftop. Where we played my new game (bought it at Toys "R" Us) for like, 10 minutes. (; Setting up took 10 minutes, putting back took 10 minutes. (; Half an hour on the rooftop. Then we headed to Starbucks. Now I owe Sheryl money too. ); See luh, people do this to me and now I'm doing it to people. ); But it's OK, unlike them, I return the money quickly. (;

Sheryl kept playing Tap Tap Revenge on my iPod. HAHA. But she's considerate and leaves enough battery for my trip home. (Y) (; (;

Met mum at Hougang Mall. Thanks to convenient timing. (;

Grandparents drove us home, after picking brother. (; Had dinner together in the patio, listening to my brother's stories about the people and system at camp. (;

And have I mentioned that I've got a new lizard? A changeable lizard. OH right. I got it on Tuesday. Crystal caught it but couldn't keep it so she gave it to me to take care of. (; On that day, my class went to Body Worlds with our Bio teacher. Diane, Regina, Nurriny and I went to Old Town White Coffee for lunch cos we didn't go for the Body Worlds thing. (;

AND I'M SORRY FOR THE TIRING POST, IT MUST HURT TO READ IT. D;

2010-02-08T23:12:00.003+08:00

I feel so indifferent. Yet neglected and betrayed.

What happened to what we used to have? We used to be so close. We used to know all. So what happened? Changed happened. I hate it when people change, and people get left behind.

This is why I do my best to keep in touch with friends. No matter the closeness, distance, frequency of contact. I want my friends to know I'd like to continue to be in their lives, and not allow myself to fade out in due time just cos that's the way things are.

All she saw was a silhouette of a gun

2010-02-08T22:12:00.002+08:00

Swallow your pride, control your anger. Or you'll be just the way you hate it.

I'm so stressed. My life is so stressful. I wish I were dead. Then again, there'd be none to care.

I sound like some whiney spoiled bitch. );

I am very stressed. ); Sigh. I've been worse though.

I'll try to be positive here, unlike some people.

I'm still able to laugh. I'm still able to smile. I'm still able to make others laugh. I still care about others. I'm still able to help others. I'm still able to make people smile. People are still seemingly happy to see me. (; Life's been worse, I guess I can get through this.

On my fucking own. As much as I wish there would always be someone I can lean on. Someone I can fall back on when my life shatters into a million pieces and floats around the world. Someone who can understand why I feel the way I feel and why I say and do the things I say and do. As much as I wish, the people who cared for me so much once upon a time would care for me the same way again. It isn't going to happen, so I have to do this on my own.

2010-02-01T22:34:00.001+08:00

Ugh.

I need someone to make life worth living.

2010-01-30T22:56:00.002+08:00

You make it hurt.

Gah. Everything has been really getting under my skin. Wtf, everything and I mean everything is irritating me. Bitch's PM just totally pissed me off. 5 words and... Kaboom. Another one, I was thinking "wtf you learn that NOW?'.

WHAT'S MY FUCKING PROBLEM. Ugh.

I GIVE UP ON LIFE, DAMN IT.

2010-01-28T23:46:00.002+08:00

My heart aches when it's not supposed to.

Mine, bitch, fuck off.

And I have to keep it all inside, cos in this new age we're all judged not only by appearance, but even how we feel.

And people wonder why people can't be themselves. Ask yourself, are you yourself all the time? It's a definite 'no'. If I'm wrong, shoot me.

2010-01-28T23:12:00.002+08:00

I absolutely love her

Dudes... Hi. Well, today was rather interesting.

Happy 17th birthday to Jake, of course. *draws big heart*

As if she reads this anyway?

The morning started with HHF. Oh, man. We had a "circuit" to follow, and this year we've got "leaders". For 5N, we got Cassandra Nicholas. =) She's really funny and understanding.

Well, after about 3 rounds, my chest started to hurt. =( I was tired in less than half a minute, but that's a different story! Haha! So my chest was hurting real bad. Real real bad. It was a sort of sharp pain... Interesting, hard to explain. As I've said earlier, I'm worried about these chest pains. Awww man. I hope it's not one of those long term things that are incredibly troublesome. I'd rather get a heart attack and die. Suffer so long for what.

School was as usual. Nothing much. English was four blocks, I enjoy my time in English. =)))) Cos I don't have to do what other people wanna do cos no one else is free except for me, and Faith whom I don't talk to much (at all). She's nice, we're just not all pally pally.

After English, many of us went straight to the Art studio. Somehow, everyone has this mentalitly: Clock 2 hours and leave! (zhao)

I stayed until my mum arrived. We had a mani-pedi appointment... Haha. So unlike me. But it's for CNY and my mum wanted it. I love my mum, so I did it for her. Not like I hate it either, felt good.

Went with my grandmother too, the neo neo neopets one.

The saloon was fantastic.

1. Had a toilet. Very good!

2. Fully air conditioned without a bustling outside world cos they were on the third floor of y'know those places where you climb up the stairs after going through one door... along the road kind?......

3. Free movies.

4. Massage chairs!

5. Free cream, hahaha.

6. Complimentary drinks.

7. My grandmother and one of the beauticians were complementary. (hahaha alike words)

8. They exfoliated our arms and legs too! Not just the nails.

9. Used the weird hard scrub thing for our feet. Ooh, ticklish!

10. Calm ambience.

That's ten good points about that place. I've more. =)

SO, the mani-pedi was great. My toes look good now. =D And my fingernails were buffed and all.

Stupid Geog project. =(

Crazed Dave

2010-01-27T00:11:00.002+08:00

Poise and rationality

Why do I wait around for things that aren't ever going to happen? Sigh. Oh wellz.

I think I've been really worrisome lately... And pretty annoying. I don't know why, I've been so... easily ticked these days. =( Sorry Elites. Not like they read this anyway. I need more supportive friends. =( HAHA. Shut up Shannen.

I'm so worried!!!

I'm worried about Art. I'm worried about Bio. I'm worried about my eyes. I'm worried about my teeth. I'm worried about my skin! I'm worried about my fats. I'm worried about my growth. I'm worried about my fucking farm in Farmville. I'm worried about my friendships. I'm worried about my chest pains. I'm worried about my heart palpitations. I'm worried about my stud. I'm worried about my toes.

I'm full of worry aren't I? What a pleasure. -.-

I'll be your clown

2010-01-25T22:31:00.005+08:00

Did you know that when it snows

My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen

Hello people. (Namely my stalker haha)

This is gonna be a long post which will be dynamic because I've realised the font is small and almost blends with the black, makin' it hard to read. (;

Played for morning assembly. Loved Crystal's "talk" with _. HAHA. Some people don't change until someone tells them they need to.

Bio was funny. Brenda was practically drooling over our Bio teacher's engagement ring. Lol. Like she's never seen a diamond in her life or something! The eye is so complicated. =((((( Annoyance. I now respect opthamologists. (Y)

Math was a relief! ♥ She was absent. The teacher who ALWAYS gets all prissy about absentees has finally become absent herself! I was thinking, if we were badly-brought-up students, we would totally draw our guns when we see her for the next lesson. BUT. We are good students, women of distinction. Haha. Had a chat with our relief teacher.

After school! We had science practical after school. We had about an hour's break in between the end of the school day and the science practical. So we walked to subway and had our lunch. Somehow Jolene and Brenda and turned Regina and my eating of sandwiches into some competition. HAHA. Retarded people. We were a half hour late for our science practical This week's Bio. Have I mentioned that?....

So annoying. We couldn't go until we had completed everything. RAWR.

Left at about 330+ 4? Somewhere there. Went up to the band room for sectionals on the busking pieces. =) Nice to see all the sec 2s. As usual, half the sec 4s turned up and only Rena for the sec3s. HAHA. Patterns in a weekly life.

Practised POKER FACE. (Y) I'm playing bass for that. Fun. Repetitive, but fun. =) Sounds nice. I think that's gonna be the first piece we can all play together. A L P O H is messy cos all of us have different versions of scores. Y'know those you get online, Ver 1 Ver 2. -.- Wellz. It's OK, Crystal and I are sorting that out. We're taking charge for this busking thing. =) At least no resentment is shown. Don't know if there is any, but I'm not saying I think there is. Am I confusing?... heh.

Everyone left one by one. In the end, it was Crystal and I who left last together. I've a story to tell about the way home...

I saw two people I know on the way home. Now I know where Nicole lives. ^^

As I was getting on the bus home, I saw a few CJC people. ONe of 'em, I shockingly realised, was the girl I was rivals with in primary school. AHAH. Ah, the history of my primary school bus life...

So this girl, she's one year my senior. We used to argue all the time in the bus. I still remember how it started. Haha.

My "gang" (all younger, ee I'm such a bitch ahah) and I were a ruckus in the bus. So the girl I saw today, and her two companions used to be really annoyed with us. HAHA. Being in primary school, P3(my friends), P5 (me) and P6(them), we weren't exactly mature. Super childish. Stupid insults HAHAH. And that was the first time I knew about the whole finger letters with "loser, whatever, moron sucker". -.- HAHA.

SO. One of the companions was Indian (I mean she's still Indian but... Aiyerr she existed in my life in the past) and I think her name is Ambika. The other was Sabrina, Chinese. If I remember correctly, the one I saw today is Michelle. BUT I'M STILL NOT SURE. That's what's getting me. =(

I'm 100% sure I saw her today. I know it I know it I know it!

I wonder if any of my seniors know her. Maybe I'll ask... Since they were all in the same year.

NEXT. After a few stops, I saw NICOLE. Oh yes, have I mentioned I saw the CJC girl when I was boarding the bus. Crowded entrance, empty bus. HAHA. Yes, so, I SAW NICOLE ASHLEY ANG. I totally recognize her. It's something about her that makes her different from a lot of people... I saw her say bye to her friend and walk back into the building. I shan't say where she lives, sekali she comes and bludgeons me to death for telling the WWW her address. HAHA.

I know where my stalker lives. Twisted much?

I felt better seeing these two people, for some reason.

Seeing that old friend (yes, we unofficially reconciled when she moved on to Secondary school haha) made me feel a little satisfied. I've recently been wrecking my brains trying to remember her. And today, I came so close to talking to her again. Small talk or whatever. Do you remember me?

BUT. I couldn't cos I was kinda in the bus. Aww.

Seeing Nicole made me feel a little more whole... I can't explain it. Cos today, Brenda and I were talking about things. I felt so empty. Everyone's getting who they want and I'm still not getting any. I don't know if I should wait or move on. Oh wellz! It was that plus a little stuff here and there throughout the day. Seeing Nicole made it a little better somehow? Even though we haven't had a heart-to-heart talk for a long while.

--------

WEEKEND. SELF-AWARENESS CAMP. Have I talked about it yet? Lol. Well, we did masks. About the self that we portray to the world and who we really are. Have you ever asked yourself, who are you? And do you have the answer?

Deep, man. S-A C, deep. Yeah...

Many sessions. Shan't share. HAHA. Personal. =)) Enjoyed myself and learned a lot, that's what's important right? =D Haha I love my facil, Sajid. ♥

Fun guy. Interesting life. Lucky guy, I mean, how many people do you meet in your life who live within the Himalayas? =D

Yeah we saw A DOG. Belongs to one of the guys who work there. So cute right!

MORE ON THE WEEKEND. AHHA. Went out with my dad.

We played POOL. It was a draw. 6:6

He won 6 games and so did I. 12 games. 3 hours. Powder! (inside joke). HAHA. Damn I love my dad!

2010-01-22T22:34:00.002+08:00

Cos he died for you and me

Nobody tags this thing. =( Not complaining, not complaining. =) Hahha.

So, self-awareness camp today. I swear, sec 5 is WAY FUCKING BETTER than sec 4 S-A C. =D

Shan't elaborate, you bitches find out for yourselves. =))) Hahaha. I don't think anyone I know outside of IJ reads this anyway. (;

Dip dip d-d-d-dip dip d-d-d-dip dip d-d-d-dip.

Sending all my love to you

2010-01-20T23:43:00.002+08:00

Irreplaceable

I've been reading A7x's thoughts on the passing of Jims. Still breaks my heart, every time. =( And I'm sure I'm not the only one. I don't think many of my friends know how I feel, even though they say they do. I don't think they love the Rev the way I do. He was my role model, I've been modeling my drumming after him, I wanted a tattoo just like his. I admired his every idiosyncrasy. I don't know how to explain it. I know I am not feeling anything close to what his family and the band members are, but I do believe I'm feeling something stronger than my friends who love A7x. hahhah, cos everyone falls for M and Zac. Haha. Haha. Hmmm. * laughing fades into a hum*

Sigh. =( Now the memory of the A7x concert is doubly precious. Everyone wishes they'd gone, and so I appreciate that I had the chance to watch 'em Live before this.

"He told all of us for years, including his parents, that he knew two things in life. He wanted to be a rockstar, and that he wasn’t going to live past 30 years old. He was right on both accounts, but I know Jimmy, and if he knew how much pain this would cause for the ones he left behind, he would have done anything he could to stick around a little longer." - M Shadows. See the post, it's so...

Rawr. Anyway, I really don't understand my math teacher when it comes to why she does and says the things she says and does. -.- I understand the math, I don't understand the teacher.

Band+Busking Prac+Dinner = home at 8.30

<-so neat right

Did my Math until.. I don't know what time. Washed up, turned on my laptop. Blah blah.
It's so late. Who knew I'd ever bother to do my work after 6. Hah.

Axis

2010-01-19T21:55:00.005+08:00

The story lies in the details

ALRIGHT. I'm pretty chirpy today. =) Wasn't too tired in the morning, first lesson was PoA. It's pretty fine now. =) Lens is a good teacher I guess, either that or it's just me... Finally bucking up and paying attention...? HAHA. I've never done PoA that fast, I swear! I've never had so much ledger paper at one time! Gosh, what a new experience! It's good for me too! (Y)

After PoA was the best. Mother Tongue, went to some floor somewhere with Diane and Regina. They started playing guitar, and I had nothing to do. So! I laid one of the guitar cases nicely on the floor beside me, laid on top of it, and went to sleep. Nice, deep sleep. Somehow, I sleep best IN SCHOOL. Wtf. Hahah. Regina woke me up in a shock. =( Cos she threw her wallet on the case I was lying on, and it made that sound you know the sound it makes... Right next to my head. =( HAHA. I jerked upon awakening... Stupid...

Went back to class, the three of us were totally late for English. HAHA. I saw Jolene at my seat (totally predictable, cos I'm sitting with Brenda so of course Jolene would move whenever she can haha) so I walked straight to hers. Next to Marianne. Gu was trying to give us the papers we hadn't gotten. He handed the paper to both of 'em after he and I had a funky conversation.

Gu: Your paper?

Me: Huh... (just woke up luh)

Gu: Are you taking (English)?

Me: Uh. Noo. (super lifeless)

Gu: Dropping ah? Not taking anymore?

Me: uh no, yah, no. Uh yah not taking. *smiles*

Gu: Oh, OK. =)

HAHA. Funky siol. So I slept through English. That sums up about 4 blocks of sleep. <3>

I was so on about our Geog project cos I was so awake. Heh. I'VE GOT THE GREEN STRAWS (my specialty: straws)! We still aren't sure who's gonna be our coniferous tree! Dang. Lol.

Recess was... Unusual, to say the least. We, sec 5s, should strike fear in the eyes of the younger people, I say! That's how Marianne put it, I was ranting in ultimate layman English about the stupid juniors being so bitchy. We totally own the fucking silverchairs please, don't GLARE like that. Fuckerssssss. TSK. We should work on looking scarier. If it were last year and I were to face last year's sec fives... To be honest I'd be scared and let them do what they want. HAHA. Inferiority complex sey?

Anyway! We got our silverchairs, and once we were settled, WE TOTALLY OWNED IT. =D I love this, hahahha. Everyone's younger, baby! I sound really bitchy now... Oh maaaaaaaah.

After recess, it was 3 freaking hours of NE/CIP shit. =( Boring, much?! Not so, actually. With company like Jolene, Regina, Nurriny, Diane, Brenda... They make things FUN. <3

After skewle! I keep using "after" and "anyway". I should stop...

When school ended...! (ah haaaaaah)

Jolene, Brenda, Sacha, Audrey and I headed down to Plaza Singapura. To watch a movie! I thought we were gonna have lunch-lunch, but we just bought food to bring with us into the cinema in the end. =( I guess it's not bad, cos if you minus off the ticket price, I only had 50 cents. HAHA. Yes, I only $7 today. =( So Jolene bought my food and all first. Aww, so nice right. Now I owe her 6.50... HAHAH. I only ever owe these people money, the Elite group. HAHA. Cos everyone else usually owes me, not the other way around. =(

Movie was really good! And the volleyballers in the movie, whoaaaa. Fucking hot siaaaaaaaa. <3>

So sweeeet. Based on a true story. Wait, I haven't mentioned the title right? HEH. THE BLIND SIDE. Or so I think... If I remember correctly luh.

Right after the movie, we all headed home. It feels like I live the furthest away from town, if you consider MRT-wise. From DG, Jolene, Audrey and Sacha dropped off at Serangoon. Brenda alighted at Farrer. =( I'm left alone for two stops: Kovan and Hougang. HAHA.

Oh wellz.

Got homeeeee. Home sweet home. Drummed for about an hour, somewhere there. Haha. I was trying to blast the music in my ears and play accordingly. Surprising ah... =))) I could follow most of it. YAY. HAHA. Wtf wtf wtf. I'm so preppy now. Omg shut upppppp.

I think I'll go earn myself some cash in Plants VS Zombies. Ciao, baby!

(I'm a drummer for a band now, eh eh eh . ^^)

I miss you.

2010-01-19T01:17:00.001+08:00

Alright! Done. I feel a little smarter. I bet you all, I'll say I'm stupid tomorrow though.

I'm addicted to

2010-01-19T01:07:00.004+08:00

Someone's makin' a fortune

Why am I still awake?
I was going to say something really deep and meaningful, then I got carried away in Farmville. =( My Safari is fucked up, so I'm using Mozilla. =(
Plants VS Zombies isn't good for me right now. =( I'm supposed to be focusing on my work and not playing a game (that I am totally owning by the way).
Speaking of ADDICTIONS. No, it's not what you think. HAHA. I'm addicted to. FUCK I just forgot again. Argh. OH OH. I remember. I have fallen in love with the text font NYALA. Go look it! In MSN perhaps. Haha. I love it love it love it! I'm trying to change this blog's font to Nyala...

Well, a drastic change in mood from just now (see previous post). Now I'm pretty satisfied... Cos. Yeah. I'm not saying anything, until everything is confirmed and I've settled down. =D But I'm totally telling the Elite people tomorrow. <3

Cos it's all over the radio. Cuts me deep with every word, saddest song I've ever heard. Drowning in the melody, makes me feel like I can't breathe.

2010-01-18T19:20:00.002+08:00

What's your fucking problem? I didn't do anything to you right! If you're still angry about the church thing then SAY SO luh, so childish for what! You're a fucking adult and you wanna behave like this. I'm a teenager, I'm still fucking learning to control my feelings. So fucking BITCHY for what! Being a bit moody is A MOTHERFUCKING CRIME now eh? Fuck you! If I wanna be moody, let me be! I'm not taking it out on you or shouting at you or being rude to you so fuck off. Whatever it is, get over it?!?!?! What's the hell's is your bloody issue! Why can't I be feeling off sometimes?! YOU DON'T FUCKING EXPECT ME TO FUCKING FACE YOU WITH A MOTHERFUCKING SMILE ALL THE FUCKING TIME RIGHT. And if you want me to do just that, then WHAT KIND OF _ ARE YOU. You're supposed to nurture me and shit like that, not expect me to keep my feelings to myself. That is when you have a runaway child. Cos the child can't express his or her feelings in her own FUCKING home. So I don't greet you with my usual smiley 'heyyy' and hug, which coincidentally is a day after a fight. BIG FUCKING DEAL. You responding like that makes it CLEAR that YOU yourself aren't over it yet. You expect me to be over it before you can? WHAT SHIT. Why can't I fucking close the door without you knocking on it every fucking 20 minutes. I JUST WANNA BE ALONE SOMETIMES FOR A WHILE CAN?!?!?!?!? I'M NOT FUCKING MADE OF WOOD. And you wonder why I'm always on the computer. No, I don't fucking chat with people 24/7. I do this, exactly this. Because I can't let my feelings out anywhere or anyhow else. Cos even in my own fucking room, where everything is the way I want it to be because I'm the only one living in it, I can't be alone in my own bubble of thoughts. Cos YOU will come and disrupt, assuming I'm being angry for no apparent reason. YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY POSSIBLE REASON FOR ME TO BE UPSET YOU KNOW. OH MY GOD. I'm so fucking pissed off right now.

You take the breath right out of me, you left a hole where my heart should be

2010-01-18T18:43:00.003+08:00

A parody of you

I'm feeling a little off the ball today. =(

I'm nervous about art, cos I haven't drawn a thing (and somehow can't get myself to start) and I haven't chosen which theme I'd like to do. I'm feeling really tired, and I don't know why. My hair won't do what I want it to. My tongue feels weird today. My toenail nailpolish chipped. I feel extraordinarily fat today. I've been really thirsty all day. My eyes are itching to death. (And then there's the whole in my heart, which makes every day a little more gloomy than it should be).

Ahh. =( Take this away, all of this.

Oh wellz. =( In this world of perfidy at will, we have to stand strong for the ones we love right?

2010-01-17T23:02:00.009+08:00

Feel yourself suffocating

HEY OH. Hey hey hey hey oh.

Haha.

Sooo.

Regina, Nurriny and I went to the Escape Theme Park yesterday! Super fu-un!

It was CCA Orientation for the sec ones in the morning, so we had to be in school. Nurriny didn't go though.

Band had to perform so, I had to be there. =) I love performing with the school band, even though section politics is eating me alive inside. Played SING and NOBODY (haha, yes. The Korean song). Played bass for sing, my favorite part is when I play 0 3 0 5 5 3 2 3 2 5 5 3 1 1. HAHA. Nice shit. So fun. Nobody, played Timpani. Haha. It's repetitive and a boring rhythm, but it's important. ;D

After that, we had to stay for the rest of the performances and the talk about LEAPS. At first, Heather and I sat on the bass amp. Cos there's nowhere else to sit. Crystal stood. I think Kia Ying stood too. After a while, my bone was painful. =( I need that chaiirrrrr but Ng keeps forgetting to get it. =( Or should I get it myself... Oooooh imagine that.

Heather and I then moved to the floor between the timpani drums. Cozy, Crystal joined us. HAHA. Kia Ying continued to stand. After a LONG while, the other percs decided to finally be smart like us and sit on the floor. -.-

Got bored, moved to the toilet to talk. Hahaha.

The usual orientation drill began. Get people to join band. HAHA. (Y) I'm glad so many people signed up for band! =D I do, I really do hope that there are a few sec ones who signed up who're rhythmic. And not join Percs only cos they've no hope in any other instrument. >;(

Most of all, I do wish that whoever does join percs, rhythmic or not (lol), have good hearts and one face, not more. And aren't bitchy or backstabbing. And the ultimate: commitment and love for band, baby!

Eh shit, since when did I have a personal list of things I want a junior to be? HAHHAHAH.

AND THEN. hahaa. After we were dismissed, we changed out of our band uniforms. Then we started practising A Little Piece of Heaven. =D I'm on the drums. I think I've said that before. :/ So even if Chan doesn't allow us to busk (which is unlikely), we've learned much more and we've bonded! =D HHahaha.

I remember when we were walking out after the Piece of Heaven practice, Crystal said if we can't busk then it's all wasted. Then I gave a short speech on how we've learned and been enriched by learning something together outside of band songs and we can play it together some time as a tribute to THE REV.

Wow, this is so wordy. I think I'll double space the lines...

Does this look better? HAHAHA. I'm lazy. Forget it. Heh.

After our busk practice, we walked to Macs at TP interchange to have lunch. This was Kia Ying, Crystal, Heather and me. =) Only Heather and I ate. =( Crystal and Kia Ying shared a large fries. =(

After lunch, the three of 'em went to NTUC to do AUNTY shopping.. HAHAHAHHAHAHA. Damn funny. I split, and went to the MRT area to wait for Nurriny.

Met Nurriny and we walked down to the platform to wait for Regina. We then made our way to Pasir Ris.

I go crazy when I'm with those two, I swear! It's only with them that I'll move around and sing things (not necessarily the lyrics) when I listen to A7X. HAHA. I bet they think I'm insane too. =)

Got to Pasir Ris and waited for the Shuttle bus. SO SUNNY. Omg. We had to like stand in the shadow of an advert board thing. Y'know those you see beside bus stops? Yeah, that.

We had to redeem the free tickets we had. Stupid Diane backed out last minute cos she was tired (it's okayy I still love her hahahhaha). =( So one ticket was forfeited. No real loss, so whatever. HAHA. Would've been better with Diane though, cos y'know... Most rides are TWO BY TWO. So for many rides, one of us sat alone. Hehheh.

Super fun! We started with the Haunted house/house of horrors (I can't remember the name). Whoa. We were so unnecessarily scared! HAHAH. Inside, we were screaming for NO reason and clinging on to each other for dear life. =D LOL.

When we got out, Regina said, "that wasn't scary at all". HAHAHAHAHA.

We went on the VIKING the most. (Y)<3>

We only rode a few 'rides' actually. Go-karts (first time ever), viking (three times), ferris wheel (damn spaz), the rocket thingy (Nurriny sat out cos it was two by two, so annoying. Who'd wanna lie there alone), horrorrrrrrr, roller coaster. THAT'S ABOUT IT. HAHA. Lousy right. Our amusement park sucks. Can't wait for Sentosa's Universal Studios to open. Gawsh.

Despite the minimal rides, we had so much fun. HAHA. Or at least I did. =D =D I love these retarded dudes. <3<3<3

Dinner wasn't dinner at all! It was drinks and chips at Subway. (Y) Nurriny and I had drinks and Regina bought chips. So nice, she bought the chips she wanted AND Ruffles that I wanted and shared it with us. Aww, right? <3 class="Apple-style-span" color="#CCCCCC">Bus, MRT and Taxi. HAHA. Regina took a bus (I assume, she was on her way to taking one), Nurriny took the MRT and lo and behold, guess who took a taxi. -.- Motherrrr wanted me to. =( I need to save money man!

Got home too late to practise the drumssszsxzsx. =(( I'm nervous about tomorrow. And I'm not saying why on this blog. At least, not until something happens. =D

HAHAHA.

Long post. As usual. -.- I'm out! =D

Bye Y'ALL. See you in another lifetime. [Probably in a few days' time or something].

2010-01-15T23:33:00.002+08:00

The more I see, the less I know.

The more I'd like to let it go.

But I need more than myself this time.

Step from the road to the sea to the sky.

2010-01-15T18:25:00.000+08:00

Aiyooooooooo. I just realised, my uber long post about Green day and all. So colorless. =( I'mma add more colors... Very unnecessary but whatever. HAHA.

But bye bye

2010-01-15T16:00:00.006+08:00

You had my heart, at least for the most part.

Hello, world. =) Haha. Super-teens ended on Wednesday. Parents came for the "closing ceremony". Haha. We were supposed to go and hug 'em and say we love 'em and stuff. What we were learning in from the super-teens workshop was basically learning/memory techniques, self-esteem/acceptance, and appreciating our parents. Especially our mothers. Cos they carried us for nine months and went through the pain of labor that no man will ever know. Cos only females go through it, duh. HAHAHAH. And the number of hugs someone should have in a day to survive nicely is SEVEN to EIGHT. =) Must hug everybody from now on! HAHA.

Yesterday, we resumed school. How annoying! Having gone home late every night, you'd have expected that the school would give us a day off. The reason they didn't: We're supposed to be motivated to come to school to learn. -.-

Tiring much! So, compliance, went to school yesterday. SO FUCKING SLEEPY. Cos the closing ceremony ended at about 10.30PM? I got home at about 11+ I guess. And I had to harvest and serve (FB Zynga applications, heh) so I slept at roughly around 1am.

I couldn't wake up! I was dragged onto the floor from my bed, so I'd get off my back and wash-up to get ready for school. What a chore. Rawr. ); (hahahaaha. If you see my MSN name, you'll get it). I slept in class before morning assembly, was half asleep during morning assembly and HHF-period-talk, and slept for the rest of that period. Nice, deep sleep I was in cos when I woke up for SS, I felt so much better. Energized! (Imagine bunny...)

Terrorism is an interesting topic, I say! I made up an entire cartoon in my head...

After SS was... Math. =( Fuck you sia, priorities all. It's a ONE-OFF thing, big deal.

ANYWAY... Sigh, piss myself off. Shucks. *Breathes in, breathes out*

PoA was fun, though. I felt like I'd learned something! I mean, we all know how bad my PoA is. And for a change, Brenda didn't know something that I knew! And she got 9 points for N's. Very nice. Hehheh. Then again, she wasn't around for the last lesson. Oh wellz.

Recess and the rest of the day was the best! Recess; Diane, Regina and I could take our own sweet time to eat and wait for queues to shorten to get our food (excluding Diane cos she ate just a spotty banana). Nurriny had to go for class, though. Since the rest of us took our time, she was late. HEH.

Regina and I did our Math after recess. Cos it was 3 periods of Mother Tongue, which the three of us (Diane, Regina and myself) dropped cos we passed our O's Syllabus B papers.

Diane was just trying out our sums for fun!? HAHA.

She went off at about 12.30. She loves leaving school early. She never has anything to do. =( Talk about efficient, man.

Regina and I were wrecking our brains doing our Math. Our teacher gave us questions she had never taught us. Wtf?

I left the two questions out. I'm not sure if Regina did the same. Cos I finished up and put it in our teacher's pigeon hole, whereas Regina wanted to take her time. (Y)

I wanted to get home earlier so I'd be able to relax for a while then take my time to get ready for GREEN DAY. So... After school, Nurriny joined us. We've got this tiny field on the first floor, with pebble benches&tables (y'know those types with the advertising umbrellas) which we inhibit during most Mother Tongue lessons.

Sooooo. We were there until about an hour after school ended. I took a cab home. Passed Whitley. Or at least, where Whitley used to be. GRR. Saw all the St Nicks girls. Invasion much. Like ants, spread out from the school area to Braddell. Yuck. I was disgusted watching them. =(

Got homeeeee. Ate some food (my lunch larh) and computed! Farmville, cafe world, fishville, country life. It's an addiction, damn it! =((( Very bad, very bad.

Then I started to get ready. Bathed a nice, long bath. -.-

Since my fringe had been pinned up the last few days (school), I made an effort to look extra nice. I don't know why, so the pinned up fringe was my best bet for an excuse to put on make up. Hahaha. Cos usually I'm way too lazy.

Face powderrrr ( I don't like to call it foundation), eyeliner, and lipstick. Once in a blue moon do I use lipstick SIOL. Best part; can't really see my eyes cos my fringe is really long. =D I deliberately wore RED lipstick (notice the caps to accentuate how red I wanted it) to match the black eyeliner. It ain't really black, actually. It's a purplish-black. Anna sui ftw.

Somehow all that put together made my face whiter. Cool shit. Either that, or it was the lighting in the photos. HAHA.

Uncle came over to fetch me. Drove to AMK to pick Jake up. Yup, the three of us were going to Green Day's concert. My Uncle loves Green Day. They've been around since his time. Which isn't very long ago cos he's only like, 31. Who gets to go to a concert of a band they love on their 31st birthday? My uncle. =D

Jake looked uber different. I swear. So, so different. Interesting aye? Haha.

When we arrived at the Singapore Indoor Stadium, the opening act was still on so we weren't exactly late. We were seated a few rows behind where Jayni, Elizah and I sat 3 years ago for Linkin Park. =))

Green Day was fucking awesome.

They really know how to interact with the audience.

And y'know, live concerts are always only about an hour long. Green Day was like... 4 hours long. Almost there. (Y) Good stuff. Shirt guns and beer sprays baby! So now we know, when Green Day comes, be in the mosh pit and stand out. I'm not gonna narrate the concert cos... Then what's the point of paying to see it. -.- So I ain't putting the videos on FB either. =)) I'm just gonna put one. I thoroughly enjoyed that show! <3

So this morning... I was super tired. And I've got a soar throat. Didn't go to school... I don't think I missed much cos there was no homework or anything. =)

I think this post is very long... Why do I type so much when I blog?!?!?! I think I talk a lot too, maybe that's why. =( I need to learn to shut up.

Learning A Little Piece of Heaven on the drums now (tribute to Jims Sulls cos he wrote this song). Suckish. It's so difficult. =( Man, I love The Rev. R.I.P Jimmy, rock out in Heaven. <3>

I wonder how they're gonna find a new drummer who brings that much to the table. Halfway recording their fifth album, too. I keep saying this, and I'll say it again. Half of the album would be deJimmied if they release it all finished. =(

Oh wellzzzz. "Everybody's gotta die sometime" - A Little Piece of Heaven.

Pretty bubbles in the air

2010-01-11T21:02:00.005+08:00

They fly so high, they reach the sky.

HELLO, HELLO. I'M A FUCKING HAPPY CHILD RIGHT NOW.

So, I shall start to enthusiastically narrate my day!

Today (and tomorrow and the next day) is our (sec5) Super-teen programme! 3 Days of motivational speaking and stuff. =) To help us with studying strategies and self-esteem. We learned A LOT.

FOR THE WORLD TO KNOW, 'TRY' IS A VERY VERY BAD WORD. Especially good for leaders to know that. ;D

Must say "do your best" and not "try your best". Keywords, baby. I learned about that quite some time ago, but never seen it in action. Today was the day I finally did.

I can memorise this list of 30 words in sequence and backwards too. And another list of 10 other words in sequence and backwards. Everyone else who was participating can too. Awesome strategies!

Wallpaper, mountain, skirt, string, ice-cream, scissors, nails, watch, nurse, perfume, elephant, jail, mirror, suitcase, plant, power(hahaha PLANT POWER), safe, watermelon, Michael Jackson, climb, bun, shoes, tree, door, hive, stick, heaven, gate, wine, hen!

The power of imagination, baby!

Then there's the other list. Durian, basketball, elephant, milk, sausage, colored markers, grass, chain, monkey (my favorite haha), cup.

I love this workshop. Love it ttm. It's so helpful! Spider-grams ftw!

So, morning assembly. Performed with the band. Snare for Majulah. I don't think I've ever been to school so early. :/

Collected 'O' level Art question paper. So hard! =( Ass. I love art but damn, I hate the subject!

Went to the hall toilet to call Diane to find out where they went. AVA!

Funny stuff, the speakers. They're so hilarious, the faces and actions, the things they say!

Enjoyed myself thoroughly today!

LUNCH TIME, THE BEST TIME TODAY. <3

Went to get the 'O' LEVEL RESULTS. Most of us had to go (Express Cina was the majority, then the syllabus B mother tongues, then the express English) so they let everyone off. For me, it was Express English and Chinese Syllabus B. They talked and talked. Diane, Regina and I were like, 'wtf hurry up we want our results!'

Regina did Tamil B and Diane did Express English and Chinese B, like me.

THEN, they moved on to the achievements of our school! Our school's achievements are so awesome luh.

THE POWER OF THE BAND OMFG. HAHA. Xin Hui (band major) was the top scorer for Mother Tongue or was it overall? Same diff. Top scorer! HAHAH. And Monica, expectedly, got SIX points.

Should've seen the look on Chan's face. Classic. I love Chan siol, he's so passionate about band and so proud of his students. =) He doesn't know my marks, but I hope he'd be proud too if he knew.

So we Normal Academic girls got our 'O' level subject results too.

Form teachers gave out the slips. Except 5/3, J Chu gave theirs out.

So Ng was giving out to us, 5/1 students. By register number. Haha typical kan chiong spider Singaporeans. Big crowd around Ng. All waiting for their results. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. I walked to the side for a clearer view of Ng. And looked around at other people.

Shimmen was around, idk why though. So random. Haha. Then I heard "Audrey! Audrey!", Ng called out. So I knew my turn was soon. "Jean," and then "Shannen," Ng called. My hand was stretched out, just about to collect the slip. And the classic, move away just before I got it. She retracted the paper, and looked at me with a smile. "I must say, Shannen. Well done."

Nice. I was really surprised. Like, whoa what did I get, man?

I took my slip. Looked at it. And couldn't say anything.

I GOT A FUCKING A2 FOR ENGLISH.

AND I PASSED MY CHINESE SYLLABUS B.

It's really amazing. I swear. I thought I'd die of shock?

THIS IS OFFICIALLY THE SECOND TIME IN MY ENTIRE 16 YEARS OF LIFE I'VE PASSED CHINESE. Yes, I failed in Kindergarten. Passed one exam in Primary one. And passed one CLB (still chinese right) exam (O's). HAHAH.

So I was thinking... God loves me. Yay.

I wanna get through life (most times) at least to the age of 21. And many times I doubt I can make it. I always think I'd fail and a million and one set backs will come my way.

But no. God's proving me wrong and he's helping me through these times. Maybe the worst was the worst but it's getting better. And maybe the worst hasn't even come, but when it does I guess we'll see what happens then.

But recently, God's been there when I doubted myself.

I was 100% ready to fail my N's, and I walked up to Ng to collect my results slip completely calm and ready for her to say I failed. All prepped and ready for a lecture of the century! I passed.

'O' levels, I was expecting a C5 or 6. Cos ever since Express English started (sec 3, after sec 2 streaming of course), I'd been getting C's. What difference could it be now, I thought. I'd been failing Chinese since PRIMARY 2, and haven't passed CLB before. Just let me see that fail and C, baby! I got an A2 and a Pass.

Yeah...

So. I love God. Praise the Lord, man. The story about the footprints in the sand, I can apply that. I could be like some retarded part-time motivational speaker... Nah. HAHA. I've got like, how many testimonies. -.- The accident, the N's, the English O's.

Monica was so funny. "The a2 is a testament to your linguistic flair."

(Y) Love Monica man. Love her. HAHA.

So yeah. Everyone was asking everyone. "HOW'D YOU DO, WHAT'D YOU GET".

I don't know EVERYBODY'S results. But I know the most part?

So from what I know:

- Everybody passed their Syllabus B's.

- I'm the only Express English one to get an A. (But I'm very sure someone else got an A as well, there's no way I could ever top this lol)

- Express Chinese girls mostly got B's and C's.

- Express English girls mostly got B's. B3's.

- _ did worse than me for English. That unoriginal bitch, who changes her looks when I change mine. And always ends up looking just like me. Copy sey. I know, "imitation is the sincerest form of flattery". Damns man, I'm not flattered, I'm annoyed! HAHA.

I feel like a bitch now. I shall get off this topic on the 'O' level results.

After we got our happy results, we all returned to the AVA room for more learning! It's super fun. I'm glad I'm learning.

I don't think I've been this excited to revise before. Like ever in my life. All ready to create my spider-grams for every topic!

HAHAHAHHA.

Lasted all the way till 8PM.

We ended with a movie. No luh, a clip from a movie. 20 minutes long. With who as a boxer? Sylvester Stallone. HAHAHA. Rocky! Funny shit. So what we learned from that was, to never give up. HAHA.

Can't wait for tomorrow's and the next day's! Awesome shit! I'm a happy adolescent.

And by the way, Nurriny got full marks for her 'O' level paper. She did 'O' level "KPOH". Quoted from her, k.

HAHAH. Gosh I love these people. They make my life sunnier. <3

Anzywayz. Had a good day today. And I'm gonna try my best to restrict this blog from my inner turmoil. I have my reasons. Hahahahaa.

My posts are so wordy. I need to add peektures. But what. =(

Kill your darlings

2010-01-11T00:09:00.000+08:00

"Good things come to those who wait".

I'm waiting.

Wander the streets of emotion

2010-01-10T18:50:00.005+08:00

Wander the streets of emotion

I think I'll revive this blog. =)

Let's start from the beginning. New shit with a new year.

Got a new skin! I've learned more about HTML doing this one. I found a site with HTML codes for colors, all of 'em. Awesome shit. BUT. I'm still confused. =( I want this to show titles but nooo. And when I try to put the title header thing in, the date disappears. My experiments resulted in this post having no date. Damns. Anyone wanna help me edit the HTML to work out? =))

So hello, hello. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is, Shannen. It's nice to meet you.

2009-11-10T14:08:00.003+08:00

WHIRL

Stale.

2009-11-10T14:08:00.002+08:00

You know I miss you, I know you miss me. So why can't we just work things out?

2009-10-18T22:56:00.000+08:00

Why can't I be really pretty and really skinny?

Or at least pretty and skinny...

2009-09-28T20:59:00.002+08:00

In a little while from now,
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promised myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower,
And climbing to the top,
Will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to who
Ever what it's like when your shattered
No point in us remaining.
May as well go home."
As I did on my own,
Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday,
I was cheerful, bright and gay,
Looking forward to, but who wouldn't do,
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down,
Reality came around
And without so much as a mere touch,
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt,
All about God and His mercy
For if He really does exist
Why did He desert me
In my hour of need?
I truly am indeed,
Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that
There are more hearts
Broken in the world
That can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?

Now looking back over the years,
And what ever else that appears

I remember I cried when my father died

Never wishing to have cried the tears

And at sixty-five years old,

My mother, God rest her soul,

Couldn't understand, why the only man

She had ever loved had been taken

Leaving her to start with a heart

So badly broken

Despite encouragement from me

No words were ever spoken

And when she passed away

I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally

2009-09-21T23:20:00.004+08:00

I feel like this blog is becoming my I-hate-you blog. =(

Hokay.

I love... Some people! =)

And... Bands. Yes bands. I love bands. Some bands, not all.

I'm so sorry but I don't like Kasabian. =)

I love the All-American Rejects. And HIM. And Avenged Sevenfold. =)

Let's light this place up with a smile hokay?

_| |

`-_-`

It doesn't look like a smiley, I know.

Like I do

2009-09-21T23:05:00.003+08:00

If I ever get the chance, I'll dedicate this song to YOU. Because of the lyrics.

I wake up every evening with a big smile on my face, and it never feels out of place. And you're still working at a 9 to 5 pace, I wonder how bad that tastes (cos I don't know).

When you see my face, hope it gives you hell. When you walk my way, hope it gives you hell.

Now, where's your picket fence, bitch? And where's that shiny car? And did it ever get you far?

You've never seemed so tense, love. I've never seen you fall so hard, do you know where you are?

And truth be told, I miss you. And truth be told, I'm lying.

If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well, then he's a fool. You're just as well, hope it gives you hell.

Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself, yeah. Where did it all go wrong? And the list goes on and on and on.

Now you'll never see what you've done to me. You can take back your memories, they're no good to me. And here's all your lies, you can look me in the eyes with the sad sad look that you wear so well.

When you hear this song and you sing along, well you'll never tell. And you're the fool, I'm just as well. Hope it gives you hell. When you hear this song I hope that it will give you hell.

You can sing along, I hope that it puts you through hell.

=) you wouldn't believe how much I hate you.

You can't just sail through life like this. And honestly? I hope you never learn. Then it'll bite you in the ass 'till the day you die.

Motherfucking fuckerfucker brownnosefucker

2009-08-15T23:13:00.002+08:00

Feeling so childish for this but it's really what I'm feeling. Maybe not as mallow as this post.

OMG. Words can't describe how much I hate you right now. I'm talking PLURAL 'you'.

Fuck you, fuck you very very much.

Cos we hate what you do.

And we hate your whole crew.

So please don't stay in touch.

Do you get a little kick out of being small-minded?

It's approval you're after.

Well that's not how you'll find it.

Do you really enjoy living a life that's so hateful?

Cos there's a hole where your soul should be.

You're losing control of it, and it's really distasteful.

Look inside your tiny mind.

Don't ever look my way.

I fucking hate you.

I love to hate you.

You're all the same to me.

Everybody knows you're fake.

You're everything I fucking hate.

And I'm everything you'll never be.

It's time to quit.

No one loves you and you know it.

Don't pretend that you enjoy it or you don't care.

Cos now I wouldn't lie or tell you all the things you want to hear.

I'd like to strangle you and watch your eyes bulge out of your skull.

I don't need your acceptance.

I don't need your prayers.

I don't need a thing from you.

You're so lame why don't you just go.

DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE

I don't need your prison.

I don't need your pain.

I don't need your decision.

I don't need your approval.

I don't need your hope.

I don't need your lectures.

You're so full of shit, man. Just go.

2009-07-01T00:31:00.001+08:00

I should change.

I should change what I wear, how I talk and how I act.

I should change myself.

I should become a different person.

A person self-assured. A person self-confident. A person who doesn't have to rely so much on others for support and encouragement. A person who can encourage herself cos she believes in herself.

I should change everything that makes me.

Everything.

I should change who I am.

Cos I'm a fuck-up the way I am now.

The tears I drop

2009-06-27T20:18:00.003+08:00

FAREWELL TODAY.

Monica's farewell. Funky funny. I swear.

But Monica's so spoiler. =( She just doesn't like surprises is it. Or she's so suspicious. :/

Xin Yi and Zena came over first. Earlier than noon, and without warning!

I was watching Friends and the doorbell rang. Whoa, Zena and Xin Yi. Unexpected. Haha.

They came, we did what we needed to do. Slacked around for a while.

Zena die-die wanted to go to the playground. [SMALL KID].

We took ultimately retarded peektures. :/ Super unglam. [But I'm putting it up on FB. For idk-what's sake. Eh then I don't have to send it to people! They can take it themselves].

No one reads this blog anymore anyway right. -_-

Went back into the house to get ready to wait for Crystal, Kia Ying and Rena [the only sec 2 who came today haha] to ARRIVE in the awezome bus at the bus stop outside.

They arrived and then we [Zena, Xin Yi and I] waited for them to sign in. Went back into the house. Watched Cartoon Network [teen titans. Crystal's idea, thanks ah] while eating lunch! It was fried rice. xP Susy rocks. Xin Yi wanted to exchange maids. Now why would I when I'm used to the best one? =D

Xin Yi mixed all our fried rice with Ruffles and random tidbits. HAHA. Crazy right?

While we were finishing our lunches, Heather arrived! She TOTALLY MATCHED THE LIVING ROOM COUCH. [OMGGGG].

She loves the couch. =] It's suede [Ooooooooh~].

Once Heather arrived, gosh was it fun. She's like, always the life of the party. HAHA. (Y)

` Oh oh afterthought: Zena and I took a few freaking ahlian peektures for the heck of it.`

We then migrated into my room. Switched on the aircon.

We did random shit for a while. Then I saw my random box [hadn't unpacked yet] of board games and stuff. I took out my Connect Four and my Junior Pictionary [mother bought it for me when I was what, eight?].

Heather and Kia Ying and Zena played the Connect Four and then I played against Heather later on.

Then we played Pictionary! [Yayyy, that game makes us all scream].

Heather and Kia Ying against Rena and myself.

RENA SUCKS K. HAHA. And I was telling her that. She knows I'm joking luhh. She's awesome for everything except Pictionary.

1. She can't draw properly [as in can't depict].

2. She can't guess for nuts [seriously, I can't draw a rocket mehh? Everyone always knew except her hahahahahaha].

3. She didn't know how to play "the stupid game"!

HAHAHA.

Funny shit.

Then I changed partner to Crystal. Whoa. Boy, did we start winning. HAHA.

Crystal can draw and guess. I can draw and guess. Awezome team!

We won in the end. xD

Oh but while we were playing, Zena and Xin Yi [requested by our guest-of-honor] had to go to the bus stop to fetch Monica. I passed Zena my access card and let em go.

When Zena called when she was at the entrance [like a warning], we scattered to find places to hide. Haha. In the end, half of us were in my mother's room and half of us were in my room.

Gawsh.

Monica's way too calm. =(

LOL.

Her housewarming gift was a cubic candle with a lizard on it. Haha so cute.

She kept talking about how the games Xin Yi was playing on my laptop were stupid.

While Heather, Kia Ying, Crystal and I were screaming over Pictionary. HAHA.

After a long while, we decided to go to the playground.

Oh oh, SPOOF.

Zena, Heather and I took too long to prepare the candle [eh, plus burning candle, plus "Happy Birthday" sign with masking tape changed to "Happy Farewell"] and Monica didn't like the playground so returned to the house.

By the time we were ready to go to the playground with the awezome cake [and customized white fabric hat, customized meaning with our autographs for her], Xin Yi was basically outside the patio [we're not easily seen cos of the plants the estate grows there for privacy] trying to keep Monica from going back into the house. HAHA.

We were like 'aiyah heck luh' and went out anyway. Monica spoiled her own surprise!

We cut the cake in the playground. Then asked some man around, to take a section photo for us. Thanks, random guy. =)

We did ultra retarded things. xD

Lots of peektures of it. Haha.

Before going back into the house, we waded around in the kid's pool. We were wearing shorts anyway. Heather and I played on the tire swing-ish thing. Damn retarded but that's what makes it fun! <3

We went back into the house, and then we played mass Pictionary. All of us were in. But Rena didn't do anything for her group [cos she sucks! HAAH no luh, she rocks but just not at Pictionary] and Zena was too busy Facebooking. So it was more like 3-3 not 4-4 [8 of us].

Monica's team was winning. Then Heather and I were like "we give you a lot of chance, we give you chance cos this party's your farewell" HAHAHA.

They won by a long shot.

Then we played other things. Idk what exactly was happening. Xin Yi and Zena played Tap Tap Revenge on my iPod. Then Zena and Heather. Then Heather and me. We played EXTREME. HAHAH. (Y)

Then we talked while playing a song. Then we had to talk more. So we left for the patio and decided to be professional like the Godfather. =] Haha.

After that, they all decided they were going to leave.

Zena, Xin Yi and Heather helped out with cleaning up my room. Monica spilled popcorn on my bed! TSK TSK. D=

Xin Yi and Zena felt bad for messing up my room. Heh. It's OK manz.

Then they left. =)

Awezome party. Other than the fact that Monica ruined her own surprise. =(

Peektures on FB.

I'm not that happy that it's there for the public to see, cos it's phreaking unglam. D=

I walk alone

2009-06-16T00:54:00.002+08:00

I hate this.

I hate you.

I hate her.

I hate him.

I hate them.

I hate us.

I hate everything.

I hate how my life is like. I hate how it's because of my own choices. Everything that my life is right now, is because of myself. It's my fault that my life is shit. It's my fault that I fail at everything that matters to me.

Agh.

When I die, and I won't live to the age of 20, you'll be sorry [or not].

Love betrays

2009-05-04T18:59:00.002+08:00

Omg I'm watching Pokemon in TV now.

Lonely rivers flow to the sea. To the open arms of the sea. Lonely rivers sigh, 'wait for me, wait for me'.

There's a light, a certain kind of light that never shone on me. You don't know what it's like, to love somebody the way I love you.

This is the life of illusion, wrapped up and laced in confusion. What're we doing here?

Love's feline eyes in darkness shine on her web, demonized with divine insight. We draw our last breath. Take me home to the castle made of skulls and bones, sing me a song to remind me where I belong.

My heart's a graveyard.

Why have you forsaken me. You're important to me but you are one person, I will never ever understand.