As I Say My Goodbyes

Sunday, March 20, 2016

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If you really love someone you'd continue to do nice things for them, out of love, even when you're mad. Like still buying them little thoughtful gifts just because. Your mood towards them shouldn't suddenly cancel all the nice things you wanted to do for them that you already put in effort and thought into. That's not love.

I'm hanging by a thread|4:17 AM|

Monday, March 14, 2016

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It seems whenever there's a break between us, there's someone waiting to treat me like a princess. Ready and willing to do anything to have me, to do anything I want. I don't know what to make of this.

I'm hanging by a thread|2:26 AM|

Sunday, March 13, 2016

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I think the worst thing is knowing I'm the first person you really fell in love with. Because that's what people call the first love. And that is the love that you're supposed to learn from. It's the love that teaches you all the lessons for loves to come, it's the one that does the breaking that your heart needs to grow. It's the one that teaches you what you really want and what you really need. It's the one that doesn't last, because it's supposed to be a lesson. Like the first time you almost drown in the pool so you know what you need to keep doing to stay afloat.

It means I am the one. I'm the one who won't stay in your life, I'm the love that simply isn't, so you learn from it. I'm the one that isn't supposed to last, the one that you look back on and are glad you left behind because of how much better you have it and how much you learned from it.

What hurts me the most is that you're not my first love. I've had more than one love before you, so I walked into this knowing what I was getting into. I knew what I wanted, I knew what I needed, I had climbed the first-love lesson hill. I had been hurt so badly, and I recovered and grew before I fell for you. You could've been the one I ended up with, but that's not the case for you. I would be that first love you're supposed to leave behind.

In line with the belief of first loves being one of the greater lessons to learn, I fell in love with someone who wasn't meant to stick it out with me. I made my world someone who was supposed to leave me behind as a lesson in life. And it hurts a lot.

There is growth with every heartbreak, regardless of how many one has had. But they'll never be like the first true heartbreak.

I found someone I could truly imagine the rest of my life with. I found someone I was sure I could sort shit out with. I found someone whose idiosyncrasies I not only loved and adored but also admired. I found someone like no other. No doubt I played a part in fucking things up, but I wish there wasn't this extra factor added into the mix; where he wasn't meant to be with me anyway because it's the true heartbreak almost everyone has in their life - the lesson no other event can teach and the one most difficult to describe.

For me it wasn't like a first love. I wasn't seeing through rose-coloured glasses and making all the idealogical mistakes I made the first time. I can't explain it, it's just different. First loves and the loves thereafter are just different. I had hoped this whole time that I'd be part of the exception, and we'd make it to the end. But when am I ever the exception? And this was no different.

I'm hanging by a thread|1:23 AM|

Saturday, March 12, 2016

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I wish you'd just reflect a little on why I may have been feeling the way I do. Rather than simply say it isn't so and expect me to stop feeling this way, but behave exactly the same.

I'm hanging by a thread|12:56 AM|

Wednesday, March 09, 2016

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"You can either spend the rest of your life terrified that somebody's gonna swoop in and steal Cece away, or you can just love her and thank the universe that she loves you back."

I'm hanging by a thread|3:12 AM|